Life at Chandell

I have officially moved into my room at the Chandell condo 885.  I'm only missing a few basics: a nightstand which would furnish a spot for my table lamp, scissors, a special USB cord that hooks into my printer (it didn't come with the printer for some reason), and some fabric softener.  All of these things can probably be fixed quickly, except for maybe the printer problem.  I've actually accomplished more in these last twenty four hours for school than I would have if I were to have stayed in Plain City.  Don't get me wrong, I love home, but the no distraction zone here at school allows me to focus on getting my class lessons done online, and offers more opportunities to go to cultural events for my honors program.  Speaking of which, I did today.  I went to the James Tissot Life of Christ exhibit at the MOA.  If anyone happens down here within the next month or so, make a point to go see that exhibit.  Even if you aren't Christian, it makes you appreciate Christianity.

So, here's what you've all been waiting for (Well, not really, but I can pretend, right?)!

This is my room when viewed walking into it.  I have a private master bedroom upstairs.  There really isn't much of a view from outside, so I didn't take a picture from the window.

My room is already gathering clutter.  At least the floor is clean of it, right?

Those two doors on either side of my printer are closets.  Yes, I have two closets.  Be envious.

This picture was taken mainly for me to be able to show off my friend Megan Moulding's awesomeness. She sends me postcards whenever she goes on vacation, so I have postcards from France and Spain.  More than 3/4 of what you see on this board is from her.  The other few tidbits are from Kit Fair, Shy Wardleigh, and my parents.

This is also a picture to credit Megan for awesomeness.  That coaster is the amazing present she got me from California.  I have already used it twice since I've been here.

Hopefully soon I will be able to get some roommate pictures, but that's not a guarantee.  I haven't even met one of my roommates yet, and she and her buddy room across the hallway from me!  Victoria, the freshman from San Diego, California, lives in the other private master bedroom downstairs.  Her dad owns the condo.  Now her, I might be able to get a picture of, just maybe.

Half of my Heart

I often feel this way.  I love the video that goes with this song.

HAAY... (5)

He's looks like Tom Cruise, only ten times sexier, and makes my top ten list.  Oh how we adore thee, John Barrowman!  I realize that this makes two HAAYS in one month, but I think I can be forgiven, considering the gorgeousness of the man.

Soon To Be Me Again

This is soon to be me again.  I'll be with different roommates, but back in college, and hopefully soon just as skinny and gorgeous.

Don't Ever Look Back

It's hard to explain how I feel sometimes.  Days like today are the worst.  I see happy couples, most my friends, and I just want to run up and tell them to just give up because it isn't going to last anyway.  A small part of me comes out every now and then that wants at least someone to go through what I did, so that they can feel the same way I do.  It is one of the worst things to want in the world, and I know it.

Then I think of what I could have, and don't ever think I will obtain, and get upset.  It is more a deep pain and sadness than it is anger.  I feel like my heart is in my stomach and going to burst at the same moment.  Those moments last a long time, depending on who I'm around.  What I really miss is the simple things: a hug from a man who I know cares about me, a soft kiss, listening to a quiet voice tell me something that it has never said to anyone else.  Mainly, I want to know that there is one guy, not a family member, who really would do anything for me.

Lately there have been a lot of love songs on the radio, too.  This hasn't helped my mood. At first I really like them all, and then I think that I don't have anyone to share them with.  That's when I get upset.  I think I may have cried three times today, and surprised myself each time.  Two of the three times were in the car during a song, and the other was while I was watching The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe.  I must enjoy the torture somewhat, though, because I just keep listening to the radio.


This is the song that caught me off guard.

Brother in the Barracks

I got to see where my brother is living on campus.  It was nice.  I walked in his tiny room, turned a circle, and said, "This looks like a barracks room for two.  You just need a bunk bed and war lockers in place of the desk."

My mom looked at me and said, "This used to be barracks for Fort Douglas before it was remodeled for the olympians."

It made me feel smart and silly at the same time.  Smart because upon simply walking up the stairs and into his room I could tell that it was a barracks, and silly because I didn't know that it was part of Fort Douglas. Well, live and learn.

Cutest Pet Calendar Contest

I put my cat in the cutest pet contest for the Standard Examiner on spotted.standard.net.  The photos are in the community galleries under the pet contest thumbnail.  If you like my photos please go to that website and rate them!  The highest rated photos get selected for the 2011 calendar year.  These are the photos I chose to submit.

Bees Game and Fireworks

My dad got four tickets to go to the Bees game on the 21st.  My brother told us he could come, and then decided that he wasn't going to, because he was going to hang out with friends instead.  So, here we were with an extra ticket.  I asked a bunch of people to come, but it was the day of, and so it was unlikely that anyone didn't have plans.  However, I texted Savannah Combe and asked her if she wanted to come, and she did!  We had some fun with the camera while we were there.  The game wasn't very good, but the fireworks were worth the wait.

Tiger's Blood Snowies make your tongue really red.

I couldn't resist taking a picture of Savannah's painted toenails.

HAAY (4?)

On my Top Ten Sexiest Men Ever list, this man takes the number one spot!  I can't believe I haven't posted a HAAY of him sooner.

Giving of Myself

I've been told that in order to get to know someone you occasionally have to give something of yourself: something that you aren't necessarily sure you want that person to know.  Occasionally I've done that on this blog.  Although I can't say I regret it, I do worry about it.  I worry about who reads this and what they think when they read it, what posts they choose to read and who they tell about what they read, if anyone, and I really worry that people think I'm off kilter.

Even though I can see the stats for my page, it doesn't change how I feel; if anything, it makes me worry more.  Often the posts I find viewed the most are the posts which I viewed as whimsical or irrelevant, and then look back and worry on how that reflects upon my character.  Generally I'm annoyed at my whimsy, and upset at my irrelevance.  It makes me feel less intelligent, serious, and instead more of a silly, unaware, and immature teenage girl.

This could be, in part, due to my belief that an upkeep of an image is essential to getting anywhere in life.  It could also be because I am afraid of what will come my way because of what I share.  I've never been good with personal relationships; I'm constantly screwing them up.  A solitary existence filled with work has always appealed much more to me than forming strong bonds with people.  Looking back down the road of my past I can only see dead relationships on either side of the road, so it has seemed unintelligent to strive for another strong bond that will just end on a terrible note and leave an impurity on the road.

The constant struggle of conforming my intellectual goals to my religious beliefs has never been easy, and so forming social bonds has just been an added nuisance.  I often find myself angry at the boundaries set on my life by social norms and expectations.  This blog is a way for me to try and break free of that anger.  If a step toward that is occasional whimsy, I really hope it doesn't lead to public humiliation, because I don't do well with it.  So bear with me as I work towards letting you all get to know me in my own time and way.

Willard Bay Trip Pictures

From Yesterday

It was my sophomore year of high school when this music video came out.  To this day it still remains one of my favorite videos.  30 Seconds to Mars is never played on any of the pop music stations, and I really enjoyed that, because everyone I introduced this video to that only listened to pop music thought it was stupid; they didn't understand the symbolism of the video.

The Best Days of Your Life

I heard this song right after I found out all the stuff my husband (now ex) did behind my back, and I instantly connected with it.  It is still one of my favorite songs, because every time I hear it I feel better about the decision I made.  That's what I love about music.  Even though I'm no good at expressing the way I feel through song, I'm glad that some people are able to, because it's a good way for me to release emotion when I hear it.

Three...

This is the third day in a row that has been fantastic.  Last night I texted a few people to see if they wanted to come boating at Willard Bay with Savannah Combe, Megan Moulding, my mom, and me.  Carianne Hirano had to work, or she would have come, and I didn't get a text back from anyone else, so I figured it was just going to be the four of us.  I was excited anyways, because sometimes it isn't as fun with big groups.

In the morning my mom and I got up and went to Smith and Edwards for some candy, two life jackets, and a tow rope.  When I got back my mom got a call on her cell phone from Ryan Taylor for me.  He had tried to call me on my cell phone, but I didn't have it on me; it was charging in my room.  He wanted to know what time we were headed out to go boating, because he wanted to come.  After I got off the phone with him I had to call him back because I forgot to tell him that his brother, Nick, could come too, if he wanted.  Meanwhile, I got a text from Megan saying she was going to be at Weber State University most of the day and wasn't going to be able to come.

Everything was okay, though, because Ryan and Nick were coming, which made up for the missing person plus one.  My mom and I were going to make sandwiches with the jalepeno cheddar bread and honey smoked turkey I bought on monday, but my dad had eaten all but one piece of the turkey, so we went to subway and got three footlong subs to take along with us for lunch.  We got back and started packing everything, and finished just in time; Savannah showed up and then Ryan and Nick.  We put things on the boat that we needed, and then after my mom found the truck keys that she lost and I locked up the house, we were off to the Bay.

When we got out on the Bay, Savannah and I started off the fun on the tube.  We had a couple of good biffs and had a lot of fun, ending the ride with jumping off the tube.  Then Nick and Savannah went.  Savannah is very exuberant, so it is always an adventure to ride the tube with her.  When Ryan, my mom, and I were talking about it, I looked up and said, "You know, I can't tell if Nick is enjoying himself with Savannah, or bearing it."  Right then Nick had a strange look on his face and waved at Ryan followed by Savannah slapping Nick on the back.  We laughed hard.  It couldn't have been more perfect timing.

I think after all this we ate lunch.  Ryan had brought not fully ripe plums with him.  They were amazingly good.  I couldn't imagine eating them any other way.  Also, I found out that Ryan loves one of my favorite candies: Nerd Ropes!  He joked that he was just like a Nerd Rope---sour on the outside and sweet on the inside.  It made me smile.

Next I went kneeboarding.  It was my first time of the year, and so I didn't go as long as usual.  However, it was fun swerving in and out of the wake and trying to turn a 360.  I only got as far as a 180 before I turned back the way I had come.  After I got off Ryan and Lisa (my mom), and I went swimming for awhile, which ended when we talked Ryan into riding the tube.  His hand got cut up pretty bad on the job while he was in Virginia, so he didn't know if riding the tube would rip the cut back open or not.  It didn't rip open, though, while he and I rode the tube.  We both fell off once, and then I just fell off all of the other times.  The last time I fell off, Nick and Savannah tried to pull me up on the bow of the boat from the water so that we could just go with Ryan on the back in hopes to throw him off the tube.  I couldn't get up.  I still believe that had a lot to do with my life jacket.

So, after those shenanigans Nick and Savannah rode again.  This time I mainly just rode in the bow with my eyes closed, with Ryan at the back of the boat doing the same thing.  When they were done tubing we went back into the marina.  Altogether, we probably boated for about four and a half hours.  We went between talking and singing the songs on the radio on the way home.

Throughout the entire trip Savannah was convinced that Ryan was trying to kill her, and said he had tried four times.  I did see him successfully push her off the boat into the water once.  So, mainly she talked to Nick and tried to avoid Ryan.  That made me laugh, because she kept trying to bring me into the middle of it by unknowingly insulting him.  I caught on quickly.

Even though the day isn't all the way over, and I did promise Savannah that I'd go to swing dancing with her, I know that the day is going to end well.  Once again, I am amazed at how well this week has gone. So, if the rest of the week doesn't go as well as the last three days, I won't complain, because if some mediocre or bad days are the price of three amazing ones, I'm willing to pay it.

One...Two...

The last two days have been busy, but great.  Monday morning I went grocery shopping and did laundry, and then went to Lagoon with Leticia Cromar.  We only went for six hours, but we did things I had either never done at Lagoon, or hadn't done in a long time.  One of those things was watching a show in the Carousel Plaza.  It was The American Jukebox, and it was really fun.  I didn't realize how talented those people were that worked at Lagoon.

Today was filled with errands.  I took my cat to the vet to get his rabies shot and to see why he wasn't eating very much and was puking so often, and found out that he just needs a little medicine and everything will be fine: which was a relief.  Then I went to Provo to get the key to my apartment so I can move in next week.  I must say, I'm excited.  I get my own master bedroom upstairs, and the place looks really nice.  It was just re-carpeted and has a hardwood floor in the living room.  I'll also have two closets for clothes and storage.  I ran into a girl I'll be sharing the apartment with, but I don't remember her name.  Really, I need to work on making a point to remember names.

Then I went up onto campus.  It was Education Week.  Somehow I'd managed to forget that.  So, instead of getting lunch, I grabbed an apple juice and wandered around in the BYU bookstore.  I did buy a green fine tip sharpie; if I'd have walked out of there without buying something it would have made me feel awkward, since I'd spent so much time in there. 

After that, I got the grand idea that I'd find Helaman Halls and go say hi to Megan Nield, who I knew was a Conference Assistant for the summer and working there.  I wandered, and ended up at Heritage Halls.  A nice girl told me where to go while walking to her job in the ASB.  So, I wandered for ten more minutes and ended up at the Cannon Center.  There, I slowly wandered over to where it said something like Education Week Registration.  I figured I'd head that way, because it seemed like something that Megan's job would require her to do.  Instead of finding Megan, I found a guy in a green shirt.  His name is Blake Fisher, and I read his blog.  My first sentences spoken to him were, "I know you. You don't know me, but I know you.  I read your blog."  He smiled and told me that he often feels embarrassed by what he puts on his blog, but he'd rather have people reading it than write in a journal where he knows no one will read his story.  Blake has a good smile; if I were better at reading people, I might go as far to say as I embarrassed him a little by bringing up his blog.  Still, good smile either way.  We talked for a minute or so, and then he had to get back to work.  Neither of us knew where Megan was, so I left.  

I drove home without event after that, and went to cooking dinner.  I have been craving chinese food for a long while now, and so having stir fry for dinner was perfect.  Then I went to Missionary Council.  We split up into groups, and Ryan Taylor and I got to go out visiting together.  Our luck was terrible.  The people we caught were married already, so we couldn't really invite them out to the YSA ward for church, and nobody else we could have invited was home.  Still, I didn't mind so much, because I was with someone I like to be around.  Also, it was nice to have my car door opened for me every time I went to get in it.  I'm really going to miss that.  

When I got home Megan Moulding and I had strawberry banana orange juice smoothies and watched an episode of Bones.  It's always nice to end the day with your best friend and your favorite television series.  So, even though days can be busy and full of wasteful driving time, they can still be great.  If every day were like today, I would be perfectly content with life.

Evolutionarily Stunted in the Dating Pool

Phylogenetic systematics---I know about as much about dating as that---which isn't very much.  Every so often someone calls me or texts me for advice on dating or relationships.  Really, I can't be that great at it; I've already botched a marriage.  I am not the person to ask about the dating subject.

The first time I ever got the courage to ask the guy I had a crush on out, he politely told me no.  Later I thought I'd give it a try with another guy by actually getting to know him before I asked him out.  We talked at a few parties and saw each other at school.   Finally I felt like I could ask him on a date, which was conveniently easy because MORP was going on.  He had a date for the dance already, so I didn't think much of it.  Richard was a nice guy, and I could ask him some other time.  Maybe I asked him a few more times, but he would never say yes.  All the other cute guys that I ever had a crush on were jocks, and we all know how it goes when the girl with the social status of freak likes a popular guy.  They pretend to be nice and like you, and then mock you in front of everyone for sport.

Of course, the only guys that were interested were the stalker type.  Really ugly/possessive and creepy.  They were always creepy.  That's not to say that I didn't go on a date or two in high school with guys that weren't creepy.  One just happened to be my friend's ex-boyfriend, and you just don't go there, ever in the history of girls and ex's.  He was a great guy, but I wasn't physically attracted to him, so it made sense that I wouldn't continue dating him.  The other guy took me out on a pity date because no one would take me to a dance I wanted to go to.  No, I don't think I'm the one to ask for dating advice.

For instance, one of my friends called me in a tizzy about boys and mentioned the acronym NCMS, and thought I knew what it meant; of course I didn't.  Luckily she mentioned what it stood for while we were talking, or I would have had to ask.  Supposedly that's short for a Non-Committal Make out Session.  She assumed I'd done it before: I've never done it, ever.  I never had any flings with guys, as I guess most girls do in their lifetimes.  Me, I never thought it would be fun, because if I am going to kiss a guy I want to know him well and want a future with him.  That's the point of showing affection.  Although, I realize that even as highly intelligent, evolved mammals we are often helpless to our own biological urges and succumb to them.  The increased hormones and elevated serotonin levels when they see an attractive person are part of what brings humans to mate and continue the species.

This guy that I like now went on one date with me on Monday.  Now he hardly talks to me, and the one time at the end of the week I asked him if he wanted to go get an italian ice at Zeppe's with me, he said, "maybe later tonight, but not now," which indicates that he was politely saying no.  That's what my best friend Derek Jackson does when he doesn't want to hang out/go on a date with someone.  So, what do I do?  Confront him?  No.  I just slip into the background and never have the nerve to text, call, or talk to them in person again.  Such is my lot in life.  I won't settle for less than good looking and chivalrous, but apparently I'm not good enough, or I'm not doing something right.

The end point of this post is to let you all know that I'm not the one to ask for advice on dating.  Phylogenetic systematics, remember?  Come around asking, and you won't leave very enlightened, probably just scared away.

All About Swings

Angela Montenegro: Childhood should be all about swings. 
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Swings? 
Angela Montenegro: You know, how high can I go, if I twist the chains how fast will I spin. 
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Or if I try and jump off before the swing stops. 
Angela Montenegro: Exactly. 
Dr. Jack Hodgins: I miss that feeling. 
Angela Montenegro: Yeah me too. 
Dr. Temperance Brennan: I miss organic chemistry class, those were good times. 
Zack Addy: I miss my first microscope. 
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Great, yeah and I miss normal people. Can we go on? 


Every time I see this part of this particular episode of Bones, I feel bubbly inside.  There's a reason this is my favorite television show.  It speaks a lot of truth about my life.  Although I am a lot like Temperance, I find myself connected to Angela in ways like this.  Although I miss all the word games and puzzles that I did throughout my childhood, the one thing that I distinctly remember is the swings.  


Megan, Dylan, and I would swing as high as we could and kick off our shoes one at a time to see how far we could get them to fly; the one with the shoe that went the farthest would win the game.  We each had certain techniques that we would "patent" so nobody else could use them without permission.  Mine was tighter shoes and tape on my feet.  


Sometime after the conversation quoted above, Hodgins takes Angela on a date.  He takes her to a park, and they swing, doing all the things that they talked about in that conversation.  It was beautiful to me, and I've always thought, after seeing that episode, that the guy that would be that creative for a first date was the worth another dating experience.  Sure, it may sound sappy and ridiculous, but that's what life's about, isn't it?  The reason people watch movies is because they want to feel the way those two people feel in that movie, even just for a small moment, so why can't we just make it a reality?

When You Wish Upon A Star

Tonight when I looked upon the Perseids Meteor Shower, I thought to myself about wishing on "shooting stars."  As a child, I always heard the "wish on the first star that comes out in the sky" one, but not until I was much older (I think it may have been out of high school old, even) did I hear the "wish on a shooting star" idea.  Even when I was little, the idea of wishing on a star for something was somewhat absurd to me.  Why would I wish on a gaseous ball of fire to obtain something I desired in life?  The thought didn't change tonight, as I looked upon what people called "shooting stars," which are actually balls of gas, ice, and space rock being burned up in the Earth's atmosphere before it can reach the ground, but I decided that I would give it a try, multiple times, since there were plenty of these "shooting stars" to test the idea upon.

For some things, I believe that wishing is allowed, because the chances of the thing ever happening are phenomenal.  Supposedly if you tell someone what you wish it won't come true, so I won't say, in order to finish testing out this seemingly absurd idea of wishing on burning gaseous, space rock ice balls.  However, I will say that for the first time in my life, I really want what I wished for to come true.  Everything you want to happen is founded with you wanting to believe it can happen through the modus operandi that you choose to channel that belief through.  Often that is the reason things take effect upon us, because we trick our mind into believing that the supernatural can happen to us.

Maybe wishing on stars is our way of hoping that there is a supreme being out there that hears us, and will grant us what we want.  Still, if there is a supreme being out there, then I think that, being supreme, he/she would only grant us what we want if it is what we need.  Any supreme being listening in would probably not understand our obsession with wanting things we don't need, anyway.  That's probably why wishing doesn't work, because we wish for things we'll never work at to attain.  I'll still work to try and obtain my wish, and hope that any supreme being out there would be gracious enough to help me on my way to get it.

Expectations

Just ten minutes ago I was upset at my computer, because the mouse froze.  It only took me approximately three minutes to reboot it, but there I was, frustrated that the item I wanted to use wouldn't work just when I wanted it to.  In the middle of being frustrated, I stopped myself, and came to the realization that if I live my life wanting to get things right now, then I'll end up with nothing to show for it in the end.

Everything takes time.  Back when I was little and there was only dial up internet I never complained at the time it took to view a webpage, or if my mouse froze, I would never be worried that I was wasting time by having to reboot things.  Back when, oh I miss back when.  I need to get back to that somehow.  Looking at my life, back then I didn't worry about having relationships appear right when I wanted them.  Things take time, and I need to quit being so demanding upon what I get for my time.

I can want a relationship with a guy I'm interested in, but I should want said relationship to take time to develop.  There are plenty of girls who expect a kiss/make out session on the first date.  I don't want to be one of those girls.  There are plenty of girls that just want a relationship for the physical benefits.  I don't want to be one of those girls.  There are plenty of girls that just lead guys on.  I don't want to be one of those girls.

I want to be as perfect as I can be for the guy that is a perfect gentleman for me.  A girl can't ask for more than that.  If the guy comes up to the door to get you and meet your parents, asks when to have you home, opens doors for you, pays for the entire date, walks you to your door after the date is over, and only gives you a hug, be grateful for the hug, and don't read into it that he doesn't want to date you again.  Be grateful that he isn't trying to take advantage of you by kissing you on the first date.  For heaven sakes, he doesn't even know you well enough yet to know if he wants to make that commitment!  Because girls, we all know that a kiss is a commitment.  It means that you should spend more time with that guy, that you are "his girl."

It may sound cheesy, but it is like that country song that goes, "There might be a little dust on the bottle, but don't let it fool ya, about what's inside.  Oh!  There might be a little dust on the bottle, but it's one of those things that gets sweeter with time."  For those of you who have never heard this song, which I don't think anyone hasn't, but you never know, it came out in 1994 and was sung by David Lee Murphy.  I'll post the video.  I've decided that it has to be one of my favorite all time country songs, just for the truth it speaks.

Peaceable Time

I had dinner at Maddox with an old friend last night.  He helped me realize that I shouldn't read into things too much.  I seem to do that a lot lately.  We talked for hours, and for the first time since I've been single I was able to talk about things rationally and unemotionally when it came to my botched marriage.  It felt good to be able to be completely honest with someone about things.

However, I did find that it was hard to get dating advice from him.  Maybe all guys are like that, but I didn't care for it.  When I sincerely ask what I need to do when it comes to dating a guy, I want an answer.  He's probably right, though, when it comes to just chilling out and not reading into things too much.  Supposedly we all do it, so it doesn't make me feel as bad about it.

Lady A Music Time

Lady Antebellum is probably my favorite band right now.  There isn't a single song they sing that I dislike.

I Did IT!!!!

The IT in this post deserves capitalization, because I never thought I'd ever have the courage to ask the guy I like out on a date.  Laying here writing this, I still feel butterflies, which makes me excited, but also frustrated.  We went to the play They're Playing Our Song together tonight.  I asked him last minute, and he said yes.  He told me that I could ask him to come with me whenever I wanted, and to not be afraid to ask.  Good sign?

He smells so good.  Maybe next time I'll get the courage to ask him why his brother looks at me like he knows something about me that I don't know about myself, and then maybe, just maybe, with time, I'll let him know why I have a problem when it comes to Ashley.  I mentioned it tonight before he left when he told me not to let my friend make me afraid to ask him out; I just sort of blurted it and then he looked at me somewhat confused because I told him that it wasn't my friend that made me afraid to ask him out, it was her.

I enjoyed the play much more just because I could hear him laugh, and see that he was happy and enjoying himself.  I came home all smiles, and I know that it was ridiculously noticeable how happy I was, but I didn't care.  After nearly forgetting what being happy felt like, I think he is the key to helping me remember.

The Adventures of Megan, Becky, and Chelsea

When I was in high school I never really went on a bunch of group outings, but there's one that I still laugh at today that I thought I would share.  Across the Universe had been out in theaters for a few weeks, and so Becky Maw, Megan Moulding, and I decided we would go see it together.  We stopped at the bank for Becky to get some cash out, and I remembered that I had forgotten mine!  Since I was driving, they said that they would pay for me and it would go towards what they would have given me for gas money.  We never got to the movie theater, though.

We were going to the Megaplex 13 at the Junction, and Becky and I insisted that you had to drive down Harrison to get there, not Washington.  Megan kept telling us it was down Washington, but we didn't listen.  The two against one came into play.  By the time we realized that Megan was right, the movie had already been playing for twenty minutes.  So, for an alternative activity we went to Cafe Villa Bella across from Weber State University.  It was around 4:30 PM, and yet Becky and Megan both had frappuccinos (I have no idea if I spelled that correctly).  I had a caesar salad.

The caffeine made those two really hyper, so when we stopped at Rita's bakery and got some yummy mexican pastries for dessert, they went to those little quarter machines and got some mini figurine catholic saints.  I don't even remember how many they bought, but I do remember that one of them got Jesus, and when I was driving they fought over who got the Jesus figurine in the back of my car.  Well, Becky was in the back and Megan was in the front, so they fought each other for it sort of in the middle of the car.  I laughed the whole way home, and I remember all the laughter and hullaballoo that went on while they were on that caffeine high in my car.  It was a good thing that I hadn't had any caffeine, or I don't know that we would have made it home alive.

It seems that every outing I had through high school had this similar pattern: someone was high on something, whether caffeine, sugar, or dry erase markers.  Good times, I tell you, good times.  Oh, and I do believe that Megan ended up with the figurine Jesus, and that it sits next to Buddha in her car.  I think she has a picture of them together on facebook.

Different

My parents were often frowned upon because they only had two kids despite the high income level they live at.  Still, I know there was a reason my mom didn't adopt any kids or have any more than she had.  I'm bringing this up because my mom is downstairs watching the health channel about Bipolar mysteries involving toddlers.  My brother was born with Aspergers and Panic Disorder.  He didn't talk until he was four years old, and started school when he was three.  The developmental school came into the home and thought that it was due to parenting problems that my brother was the way he was.  They found out the contrary.

My mom worked around the clock with my brother, and I was often left in waiting rooms or home alone until my father came home from work.  One of my very first memories is sitting in a waiting room with my hands over my ears, trying to block out my screaming brother in the back of the building.  With all my brother's doctors visits, extra schooling, language and development problems (the left side of his brain didn't develop fully, causing the language problems), my mother could barely handle parenting him, let alone me.

People would make rude comments upon my mom's problems with my brother, and even her family refused to help her take care of him when she needed a break.  This all went on right after she had taken care of her mother in law, who has schizophrenia, bipolar and anorexia.  Needless to say my mom didn't appreciate the comments made to her that condemned her as a terrible parent.  The frustration of it all was often taken out on my father.  Every night some weeks I would hear them arguing about me, and my brother when they thought we were asleep.  Those nights I cried myself to sleep.  Throughout those years I always worried my parents were going to get divorced, and one night at family home evening/council I told them so, because I never saw them happy together, only fighting and angry.  They tried to change after that.

Over the years my mom and I never got along.  I would say hello in the wrong way and she would pin me in the corner and yell at me for hours.  Every day I would be scared to say or do the wrong thing around my mom, so I would try to stay around my dad.  Given, I wasn't the perfect child; telling my mom that I didn't have to do what she told me to at age four shows that perfectly.  Still, I felt like I got yelled at for longer periods of time and more often than most children.  The first time I overheard her tell my father how much she hated me I was completely heartbroken.  From that point on I became a perfectionist.  I didn't realize that she was saying those things because of all the stress of having a child with what is called "high functioning autism."

Hindsight is twenty twenty, so I understand now what I didn't throughout most of my life up until four years ago.  Nobody takes the time to understand how hard it is to have a child with a mental disability, because they can't see it.  Growing up I had very few friends, because I had a brother that was labeled a "freak."  Having a brother that was different exposed my family to ridicule in many ways; for me, this was both physical and verbal.  I would worry when I walked across the road in elementary because people, many who were in my home ward, would line up on the other side and throw rocks at me.  It stung more than just physically with each stone that hit me.  The ones that hit my head would always be the worst.  Even when I switched schools I was alienated, because I was friends with a kid at school who was disliked for his mental disorder.  No one "normal" likes the person who sticks their head out for the ones who are different, at least when it comes to a mental disorder.  Looking on that, it makes me realize that my mom went through the same thing, just with adults.  Now, my mom worries that I don't have any good childhood memories, that they are all sad and about people being mean to me.  She's not 100 percent wrong to be worried, as I can firmly say that over half of my childhood memories are of how mean kids were to me because I had a brother that was different and a mother who yelled a lot because she didn't know what to do about it.  However, the other 40 percent are some of the best memories I have, and I wouldn't trade them for 100 percent of decently happy memories.

Having few friends made me fall in love with books and learning.  My imagination flourished while I was in my room and with my best friends, Erin and Megan Moulding.  I was always the best in my class, because I worried that if I wasn't the best my parents would be disappointed in me.  I felt like I had to compensate for the trials my parents went through by being perfect.  The few times I've disappointed my father are the worst memories of my life.  The mentality of having to be perfect still sticks with me today, and that, I have decided, is a huge reason why I don't think I'm good enough for anyone, particularly guys that I would like to date.  It probably has a lot to do with why I think everyone has ulterior motives for wanting to be friends with me, or why I think that people are just pretending to be nice to me.  Most of these people don't even know my brother or his past, but old habits die hard.

Overall, I think that having a brother with a mental disability was just as tough as growing up in a large family that was hard on money.  If my mom had had more kids than just two, I don't think things would have gone so smooth, and they went bumpy at best with two; not even close to half of what we went through is mentioned in this post.  Between all the screaming and the fighting and the not knowing what to do with my brother, I somehow bonded with my family.  I may rant and rave about how angry I get with them sometimes and say that I want to get away from them, but I always find myself coming back to them, because they are the only ones who know what I went through growing up with a brother that was different, and I know I won't be judged by them.

And Life Presses On

Today has been a lot better so far, even with a toddler to tend.  My mom's trying to get her to take a nap now, and I'm trying to get my cat to sleep in the other room.  My job seems considerably easier, although I will admit that he is very similar to taking care of a baby, as he wakes me up at all hours of the night asking for drinks, to play, and yummy treats.  He's petrified of the toddler, and I think that has a lot to do with where I bought him from.  The lady that I purchased him from ran a daycare from out of her house. 

Anyways, my cousin's daughter calls me mom.  I have no clue why, because we don't look alike.  Maybe we sound alike.  It really doesn't matter, I guess, because I will still be happy to give her back to her mother.  Tajsha has this terrible hitting habit when she doesn't want to do something.  I didn't spank her when she hit me and grabbed my skin on my face, but I did grab her arms and tell her no.  The tyke is so intelligent she's going to be a handful when she gets older---she's a handful now.

Beyond the Mad

Today has been one of those days for me.  You know what I mean: the ones where it goes beyond the sneaky hate spiral.  I spent the day unhappy about everything, for unknown reasons. Perhaps I should reexamine my life.  Anyways, then I realized that my netbook doesn't properly show the new post creator on the screen, and it just was the topper on the whole issue of having to take care of a two year old when I was supposed to be enjoying my vacation at Bear Lake, because if it weren't for her I would never have had to get online to blog about it.  This is just a huge excuse and rationalization for not wanting to take care of a toddler over the weekend.

I generally wouldn't care, so I don't know why I care now.  She's my cousin's daughter.  Maybe it's because I really wanted to relax.  Also, since I didn't get to work out today, I can't justify all of the terribly unhealthy things I ate today.  It made me realize that when I'm angry or anxious about anything, I tend to eat more, and I would hate to let my lack of self control deter me from my goal of being 135 by the time I get to BYU.  I'm six pounds away, and I really don't want to blow it now.  I keep telling myself I would have gone on at least a bike ride today, but then it had to go and rain with a huge thunderstorm.  Don't get me wrong, thunderstorms are great, but not with a two year old.

Days like today remind me that lifestyle changes are hard, and sometimes we fail.  The point is to get back up and going again.  The don't let life get you down thing.  I would all it a ploy, but that is a little cynical for the context I'm using it for in this post.  Yes, I realize that this post is a completely lame one, and possibly bordering on ridiculous for the self-pity posts that are undeservedly posted on here, but I needed to get it off my chest, and I don't have my paper journal up here.  I forgot it.  So forgive me my faults of having problems with tending kids when I don't want to, and the repercussions that has on the way I view my life, and in turn my personality.  It's really a good thing that I don't want to have kids---anytime soon.

HAAY Bones Edition

Proposition 8 Overturning

As I listened to the news last night and heard that Proposition Eight in California had been overturned by a federal judge, I couldn't be angry.  Hearing the gay and lesbian celebrators shout, "separate church and state," it reminded me that no matter what happens, the church can discriminate against who they allow in the temples to be married.  Even if gay marriage rights are finally allowed in america, it won't force the LDS church allow gay marriages to be performed in our temples.

My mother was furious about the news, and I looked at her and said, "There's nothing within the constitution that defines gay marriage as legal or illegal, and making it illegal does, in fact, deny those people rights.  Under the first amendment our church is protected from legal attacks when we don't allow gays to be married in our temples.  I don't condone the practice of gay and lesbian relations, but I'm not going to condemn those people."  It calmed her right down.

One of my best friends is gay, and he was at that celebration last night.  I saw him on the news.  It hurt to know that he doesn't communicate with me as much anymore because I am LDS.  He thinks that I'll start to rag on his beliefs, I think, when in reality, all I want is for him to know that I respect his decision based on his beliefs, even if I don't condone it, and I want him to respect my beliefs in turn.

I think we forget sometimes that our church practices Christianity, which means we accept others and hope they come unto Christ.  We shouldn't be judging people, and should be, in fact, doing what our church leaders asked, that we "act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility."  I think that both sides are guilty of overlooking that statement, which was said many times before when the vote for Prop 8 was going on.  If we, as LDS christians, would show respect, love, and civility towards our brothers and sisters who are gay/lesbian, we would, I believe, in turn receive that.

Disneyland

I don't think I ever blogged about my trip to disneyland.  It is one of those things that is better told with pictures than words, mainly because so much went on.

Since Toy Story 3 had just come out, there was a rather large hype about it, especially in California Adventure Park.

My brother and I chose the Roger Rabbit line as the most fun line to stand in, mainly because there were a ridiculous amount of photo opportunities.

All of these photos are from World of Color.  They are great because they were really hard to get.  The reason they were hard to capture is because this entire show is projected onto water.  It was like watching a best of disney show on the big screen.  Even though these pictures are amazing, they don't do the show justice.  You have to see it to believe it.

My next favorite line, and all time favorite ride, was Indiana Jones.  When I was seven years old I went with my family on Thanksgiving Day to Disneyland, and this was the only ride I really enjoyed myself on.  I was young enough not to know that it didn't matter if you looked the statue thing in the eyes or not, you would still go on the same ride.  I am glad to say that it was still the most fun I had, even if just for sentimental reasons.

The last thing we did before we caught the shuttle to the airport was Tom Sawyer's island.  There were lots of fun sightseeing things, and plenty of photo opportunities.  My brother did almost all the picture taking, so there aren't photos of him on the island.