Giving of Myself

I've been told that in order to get to know someone you occasionally have to give something of yourself: something that you aren't necessarily sure you want that person to know.  Occasionally I've done that on this blog.  Although I can't say I regret it, I do worry about it.  I worry about who reads this and what they think when they read it, what posts they choose to read and who they tell about what they read, if anyone, and I really worry that people think I'm off kilter.

Even though I can see the stats for my page, it doesn't change how I feel; if anything, it makes me worry more.  Often the posts I find viewed the most are the posts which I viewed as whimsical or irrelevant, and then look back and worry on how that reflects upon my character.  Generally I'm annoyed at my whimsy, and upset at my irrelevance.  It makes me feel less intelligent, serious, and instead more of a silly, unaware, and immature teenage girl.

This could be, in part, due to my belief that an upkeep of an image is essential to getting anywhere in life.  It could also be because I am afraid of what will come my way because of what I share.  I've never been good with personal relationships; I'm constantly screwing them up.  A solitary existence filled with work has always appealed much more to me than forming strong bonds with people.  Looking back down the road of my past I can only see dead relationships on either side of the road, so it has seemed unintelligent to strive for another strong bond that will just end on a terrible note and leave an impurity on the road.

The constant struggle of conforming my intellectual goals to my religious beliefs has never been easy, and so forming social bonds has just been an added nuisance.  I often find myself angry at the boundaries set on my life by social norms and expectations.  This blog is a way for me to try and break free of that anger.  If a step toward that is occasional whimsy, I really hope it doesn't lead to public humiliation, because I don't do well with it.  So bear with me as I work towards letting you all get to know me in my own time and way.