It's All Part of My Life

Thanksgiving is great.  It gives me time to contemplate my life.  For instance, my brother brought home a season of The Big Bang Theory, and as I sat down and watched a bunch of episodes with him, I realized that I feel a lot like Penny.  This is partly because these types of guys are the only ones I ever get asked out by.  I laugh at the show, but then kind of get the oh, this is a bit like my life, and that's ridiculous thought.

So girls, if you're interested, these are the kinds of guys that you will find at BYU, especially in the sciences.

Want more of this funny stuff?  Check out the show.

The Most Awkward Subject

Guys.  It always seems to come up.  Whether I want the subject to come up or not.  Sure, the general talk about them isn't hard.  There's general responses for that.  It's when I need advice on guys that it sucks. Or, when I have to give advice.  I really don't know which is worse.

When you have to ask advice about a certain guy, then you run the risk of the person you ask being indiscreet in their actions after you ask them.  So, then, who do you ask?  Well, if you want to ask girls that he's friends with, which you would think would be best because they know him the best, then you run the risk of them just out and telling him.  Is that a good or bad thing?

Also, I feel really awkward asking anyways.  It seems a rather frivolous activity, looking for a relationship. Especially when the guy is silent unless you talk first, and then the silence gets so loud you don't think you've ever heard it quite that loud, but you still like him.  It's like a game of cat and mouse, but you don't know who's who.

Then, when people ask me about relationships.  Well, we already know how that goes with me, as evidenced here.  Still, lately I've tried to answer.  The tough thing about that is that you have certain things you want to say, but you can see in the girl's eyes, or hear in her voice, that she thinks that she's heard it all before and that I'm just saying things to try and make her feel better.  Why do we even ask each other for advice on guys, then?  Why don't we just ask other guys?  Well, I don't get any good answers from other guys.  It usually consists of the words, "Um, I dunno."  Or, there's the general, "You're over-thinking things."  Sometimes I think the second answer is warranted, but sometimes I think it's just a fallback answer.

I hope Ryan doesn't mind, which I guess he shouldn't because he posted this on facebook, and I don't even think he reads this.  Still, I think that his answer to why this time in life is hard was a good one.

The Challenge of this stage in life is finding someone you can do everything with and share everything with. Someone who's goals and ambitions will be your goals and ambitions which you will work toward together. Someone with which you can work out happiness, just as the Savior has asked us to. Someone with the courage to tell you when you are falling short and then reaches out to help lift you back up and loves you in the process. If you can find one with which you can do that and you will find yourself working to build an eternal relationship and an eternal family. Be mindful, this will be the one with whom you will be tried, tested, burdened, purified and exalted with. This will be one who will come to see you as you really are, all your faults, imperfections, habits, and insecurities yet they will love you despite them. You will come to find yourself doing the same for them. You will work with them, make decisions with them, cry, mourn, and stress with them; laugh, love and rejoice with them. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Just be the person you need to be and be grateful. Do all things in wisdom and in order.

What is This "Love" You Speak of?

I am constantly surprised by people's definition of love, and how fast they fall in and out of it.  This "love" that people speak of, in my mind, is infatuation.  You see someone, and there is an extra release of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine in the brain that makes you physically attracted to a person.  This is all fine and good and whatnot, because that's what brings you to want to get to know a person, but you have to wait a few months (at least) to see if you "love"that person, because that's around when infatuation wears off.

To truly love a person, you have to like them despite their faults (like not liking Michael Jackson's music... yes, that equates to a fault in my eyes and makes me question one's judgment) and love them for their funny little quirks.  You not only love a person for what they have the potential to become, but for what they are now.  You realize that you're not always going to get along or see eye to eye, but that it's okay, because there's more than one way to solve any problem.

So, when young people get married after only knowing each other for two or three months, I worry.  I worry that they don't understand the commitment they are making to one another, and that they may just be feeling infatuation that hasn't worn off yet.  Truly, I think that a lot of divorces could be prevented if partners spent at least a year getting to know each other before they decided to get married.  Then each individual would know somewhat of who they are committing their life to before marrying.   Knowledge is power, so they say, so why shouldn't that apply to who you date and who you marry?

Sure, I knew my ex-husband for two and a half years before I married him, and it didn't save me from being divorced.  Some people are great at hiding important facts and lie their way through life, but I'm convinced this isn't the case with most people.  Most people, when looking for a mate, are upright and honest because they don't want to have to hide who they are from the one they love.  So please, my friends, don't make me worry about you because you jump into a relationship and forget to take time to get to know the person you say you "love."  And I'll stop lecturing now.

You Didn't...

No, no I didn't.  I find myself a coward/extremely shy around him.  So no, I didn't say what I planned to.  I still don't feel like I can tell him, because I don't have the foggiest idea what he thinks.  Talking to Carianne and Becky helped quite a bit.  Somehow, some way, I've got to get over myself, ask that question, and then move forward on one road or the other from this fork.  That's all.

Dating is More Like Baseball than Volleyball...

I wish that dating were like a volleyball game.  You call "mine" and everyone backs off and lets you have the ball.  The game is pretty straight forward.  Server serves the ball, people call mine, and go back and forth until the ball falls on either side of the court.

Baseball, on the other hand, is more complicated.  The pitcher has the ball and has to think really hard on what pitches fool the batter.  The batter watches and works so they can hit the ball.  They fight over who wins: will the pitcher get the kill or the batter the base?  And if the ball is hit, then, as a pitcher, you have to rely on teammates to back you up and not make mistakes so you don't lose the base to the batter.

Get my beautiful metaphor?

Hannah gives Booth a phone.
Booth: Thanks!
Hannah & Brennan: You're welcome!
Brennan looks sad and gets up.
Brennan: See you tomorrow...
Hannah: No, stay!
Booth: Yeah, I can make my famous mac and cheese.
Brennan: No.  Traditionally when two people share a domicile for the first time, the person who doesn't leaves.  See you tomorrow.

That's how I felt tonight.

I Have A Peeve...

I have this peeve about people not being straightforward with me.  I won't hang out with or go out on a date with someone unless I know I'm capable of paying for myself.  I expect the people I go do things with to do the same as me.  If one person wants to pay, that's great, but if not, then you know I'll be able to cover myself.

I like to know where I stand with people.  I don't want to go dating someone multiple times if it isn't going anywhere.  Sure, I'll go out with someone now and then casually, but if that's the case it usually means that you pay for yourself now and then, not the "guy always pays" situation.  Given, I have a friend that always pays for me whenever we go somewhere, but that standard was set a long time ago, and since he insists, I'm not going to argue or worry about it.

Essentially, I want everything out on the table before I decide to get into something.  When people don't tell me everything I need to know, I'm left floundering, because I don't know how to act.  This is especially true with long term relationships.  So, if you talk to me, please be straightforward.

I Wish I Was an Ostrich

My friends and family know that I don't do well with awkward situations.  This is particularly true when it comes to people asking me about my personal life.  I'm perfectly fine telling people that I am friends with a few details of a date or event, but for the most part I like to keep things to myself.  I even get defensive when my mom makes comments.

The whole reason this post came about is because I went to a Relief Society activity last night.  When I was questioned last night about a date I had gone on the night previously, I went beet red.  I was in front of a huge group of girls that barely know me, and so any insights into my personal life are very reserved glimpses.  However, one girl knew a little more about the situation, and remembered that my date had a cold and hadn't been feeling amazingly well, so when I was tired and not feeling so hot, she put two and two together, although completely unrelated.  The whole group made the same assumption, and they all knew who the guy was, which made it worse.  All I could say was "no" and cover my face in embarrassment, which made them laugh all the more.  

That wasn't even the worst part.  The worst part was knowing that two of the girls in the group were this guy's friends, and seeing the amused looks on their faces.  After making it home around midnight, I sat and worried.  I don't like people to see me out of character and somewhat vulnerable to ridicule.  In the end, I decided it would be nice to be an ostrich, because then I could bury my head in the ground when I get embarrassed.  Sure, I think of things to say that would alleviate the embarrassment on my part, but only after the moment has passed and I have time to think, so being an ostrich is the best way to fix the situation.

Evolutionarily Stunted in the Dating Pool

Phylogenetic systematics---I know about as much about dating as that---which isn't very much.  Every so often someone calls me or texts me for advice on dating or relationships.  Really, I can't be that great at it; I've already botched a marriage.  I am not the person to ask about the dating subject.

The first time I ever got the courage to ask the guy I had a crush on out, he politely told me no.  Later I thought I'd give it a try with another guy by actually getting to know him before I asked him out.  We talked at a few parties and saw each other at school.   Finally I felt like I could ask him on a date, which was conveniently easy because MORP was going on.  He had a date for the dance already, so I didn't think much of it.  Richard was a nice guy, and I could ask him some other time.  Maybe I asked him a few more times, but he would never say yes.  All the other cute guys that I ever had a crush on were jocks, and we all know how it goes when the girl with the social status of freak likes a popular guy.  They pretend to be nice and like you, and then mock you in front of everyone for sport.

Of course, the only guys that were interested were the stalker type.  Really ugly/possessive and creepy.  They were always creepy.  That's not to say that I didn't go on a date or two in high school with guys that weren't creepy.  One just happened to be my friend's ex-boyfriend, and you just don't go there, ever in the history of girls and ex's.  He was a great guy, but I wasn't physically attracted to him, so it made sense that I wouldn't continue dating him.  The other guy took me out on a pity date because no one would take me to a dance I wanted to go to.  No, I don't think I'm the one to ask for dating advice.

For instance, one of my friends called me in a tizzy about boys and mentioned the acronym NCMS, and thought I knew what it meant; of course I didn't.  Luckily she mentioned what it stood for while we were talking, or I would have had to ask.  Supposedly that's short for a Non-Committal Make out Session.  She assumed I'd done it before: I've never done it, ever.  I never had any flings with guys, as I guess most girls do in their lifetimes.  Me, I never thought it would be fun, because if I am going to kiss a guy I want to know him well and want a future with him.  That's the point of showing affection.  Although, I realize that even as highly intelligent, evolved mammals we are often helpless to our own biological urges and succumb to them.  The increased hormones and elevated serotonin levels when they see an attractive person are part of what brings humans to mate and continue the species.

This guy that I like now went on one date with me on Monday.  Now he hardly talks to me, and the one time at the end of the week I asked him if he wanted to go get an italian ice at Zeppe's with me, he said, "maybe later tonight, but not now," which indicates that he was politely saying no.  That's what my best friend Derek Jackson does when he doesn't want to hang out/go on a date with someone.  So, what do I do?  Confront him?  No.  I just slip into the background and never have the nerve to text, call, or talk to them in person again.  Such is my lot in life.  I won't settle for less than good looking and chivalrous, but apparently I'm not good enough, or I'm not doing something right.

The end point of this post is to let you all know that I'm not the one to ask for advice on dating.  Phylogenetic systematics, remember?  Come around asking, and you won't leave very enlightened, probably just scared away.

Expectations

Just ten minutes ago I was upset at my computer, because the mouse froze.  It only took me approximately three minutes to reboot it, but there I was, frustrated that the item I wanted to use wouldn't work just when I wanted it to.  In the middle of being frustrated, I stopped myself, and came to the realization that if I live my life wanting to get things right now, then I'll end up with nothing to show for it in the end.

Everything takes time.  Back when I was little and there was only dial up internet I never complained at the time it took to view a webpage, or if my mouse froze, I would never be worried that I was wasting time by having to reboot things.  Back when, oh I miss back when.  I need to get back to that somehow.  Looking at my life, back then I didn't worry about having relationships appear right when I wanted them.  Things take time, and I need to quit being so demanding upon what I get for my time.

I can want a relationship with a guy I'm interested in, but I should want said relationship to take time to develop.  There are plenty of girls who expect a kiss/make out session on the first date.  I don't want to be one of those girls.  There are plenty of girls that just want a relationship for the physical benefits.  I don't want to be one of those girls.  There are plenty of girls that just lead guys on.  I don't want to be one of those girls.

I want to be as perfect as I can be for the guy that is a perfect gentleman for me.  A girl can't ask for more than that.  If the guy comes up to the door to get you and meet your parents, asks when to have you home, opens doors for you, pays for the entire date, walks you to your door after the date is over, and only gives you a hug, be grateful for the hug, and don't read into it that he doesn't want to date you again.  Be grateful that he isn't trying to take advantage of you by kissing you on the first date.  For heaven sakes, he doesn't even know you well enough yet to know if he wants to make that commitment!  Because girls, we all know that a kiss is a commitment.  It means that you should spend more time with that guy, that you are "his girl."

It may sound cheesy, but it is like that country song that goes, "There might be a little dust on the bottle, but don't let it fool ya, about what's inside.  Oh!  There might be a little dust on the bottle, but it's one of those things that gets sweeter with time."  For those of you who have never heard this song, which I don't think anyone hasn't, but you never know, it came out in 1994 and was sung by David Lee Murphy.  I'll post the video.  I've decided that it has to be one of my favorite all time country songs, just for the truth it speaks.

Peaceable Time

I had dinner at Maddox with an old friend last night.  He helped me realize that I shouldn't read into things too much.  I seem to do that a lot lately.  We talked for hours, and for the first time since I've been single I was able to talk about things rationally and unemotionally when it came to my botched marriage.  It felt good to be able to be completely honest with someone about things.

However, I did find that it was hard to get dating advice from him.  Maybe all guys are like that, but I didn't care for it.  When I sincerely ask what I need to do when it comes to dating a guy, I want an answer.  He's probably right, though, when it comes to just chilling out and not reading into things too much.  Supposedly we all do it, so it doesn't make me feel as bad about it.