Kick Me When I'm Down

I feel like I've been punched in the face and then kicked while I'm down. I hate it when one person decides to make you feel like crap and they successfully do so not just for one day, but for several. That's what my husband, soon to be ex-husband if the hearing goes my way, has done to me. Between telling me that I'm a terrible Christian and that if I "get married again the man [I] marry better be damn near perfect or he's gonna be miserable for the rest of his life," I feel fantastic. Was it too much to ask for someone to live the same standards as me, and for a husband that doesn't harbor same sex tendencies and not tell his wife about it? Was it too much to ask that I have money for food so I didn't starve while he was away? Was it too much to ask that when I found out about all the lies he told me that I wanted reparations through the tax money, (which just ended up going for the lawyer and the move anyway) or I would make him pay for half of the move and his half of the lawyer (he told me I was blackmailing him over that. The guy must not know the meaning of the word, possibly?)? Right now I'm so upset that I hope my lawyer rips my husband to shreds in front of the judge when he comes to the hearing.

Nik has done this kind of thing several times to me since I've decided that I'm going to leave him, and I don't think it's right. I haven't called him except for on official business, and I've not been slanderous or harassed him in any way. What he's doing is harassment. I could take him back to court over that. I've been debating on getting a restraining order over it. I'd probably have to add his family members to it too, as his Dad is complaining that my entire family is twisting and perverting gospel principles to get this annulment granted. I dare-say his son's actions allow me to not "submit" like a good wife should and let him continue in his habits. I should not be forced to live with someone that uses me simply for the stab at normalcy. He says he loves me: he's done a bang up job at showing it with all the harassment. He says he wants me to not go through with the annulment and stay with him to help him work through all his problems. Sorry bud, but you had the problems before the marriage and you told me that you had all those problems solved and behind you. Obviously they were right behind you and came back to bite you in the butt. Oh, and not to mention that you lied about going to church and following the standards that you professed to believe in so I would marry you. THAT was a huge one, dude.

I don't feel like I'm going to burn in hell for my decision, but I do feel like I'm in hell now. Not a day goes by when I don't cry over some terrible remark that Nik has said to me since I've chosen to leave him. Mr. "I Never Verbally Abuse You. I'm Always In Control." Obviously isn't in control of himself AT ALL. His addictions and his neurological disorders control him. If he fixes those, great, but he can't expect me to be the one pushing him to do the things that are right. Especially when every time I tried to make the right decisions in our marriage before I knew about the problem I got my head bit off. He is so mentally ill he can't see what he does and doesn't do, so how am I supposed to speak reason into the head of someone that messed up?

In the midst of all this, I feel like everyone has forsaken me. As I stand in the gall of bitterness, I do so alone. My mother doesn't even know how to comfort me, and she's gone through almost the exact same thing. Even with my beliefs at my side, how am I not to crumble over all the stress, harassment, and pain? The first time the harassment happened to me I broke down and did not function period. Did Not function for over an hour. My mom had to physically move me up the stairs and get me in a warm bubble bath and read a couple chapters out of a science fiction book to me to even get me to barely function. I didn't break right down when he harassed me (first paragraph description) on Saturday, but it's finally sunk in to the point that I'm once again barely functioning. Soon I might not be functioning at all.

Overweight and in Good Shape

So, lately I have had a large number of people comment on my weight and how I need to get back into shape. It has gotten to the point where I have gone off the deep end in anger. My medications I take to keep me from being in extreme pain and that take care of my depression and panic disorder make me gain weight, and no matter how much I exercise or watch what I eat I don't lose weight, I gain it. Hence why I am twenty-five pounds heavier than when most of you saw me last. It isn't very intelligent to assume that because someone is a little bit heavier that they are out of shape.

Here are my overall fitness test results from today:

1. Body Composition-Results

BMI: 25

Rating: Marginally Overweight

2. Cardiovascular Fitness-Results*

1.5 Mile Time: 20:30 min:sec

Estimated VO2 Max: 37.588

Rating: Good Fitness Zone

3: Muscle Fitness-Results

Rating: High Performance Zone

4: Flexibility Fitness-Results

Rating: Good Fitness Zone

*Keep in mind that this time is better than it was when I weighed 115 pounds, and that my doctor said that I may never be able to run well again because of my leg surgery. Also, all of these tests were taken when I was going through withdrawals from my depression/panic disorder medication.

As I am going through withdrawals from my depression/panic disorder medication, you can expect me to be in somewhat more pain than usual and quite a bit less tolerant of people and their ignorant comments. Oh, and if I'm able to get these kinds of results while I am trying not to throw up or fall on my face from nausea and pain, then how do you think it makes me feel when people are ignorant enough to tell me I'm out of shape when I'm feeling well? Sure, I'm not in the best shape of my life, but I'm definitely better off than I was when I was underweight. So, for all you guys who think that the only thing that matters in a woman is her body, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. No girl wants to date a shallow guy that only wants you for your looks. A woman needs a companion that lifts her up and loves her no matter what she looks like through her life.

Missing A Friend

So, my friend Megan has been gone on her trip to Spain for a whole two days now, and I'm already missing her; it's probably completely ridiculous. I'm currently listening to the Sherlock Holmes Soundtrack that she gave me, and it made me think of her. That, and because I'm taking care of her cats* every day and tending her garden for two weeks. Anyways, it is rather ridiculous that I am missing her because we hardly ever hang out (although we have been hanging out more often since I got back from Cali). Megan is like a comfort blanket for me, and when she's not next door the world feels funny--like it's missing something. (The picture of me and her here is from last October; we really don't have a ton of pictures together.)

Why can't I hang out with other friends while she is gone? I can; I just am not outgoing enough to take the initiative to call someone to hang out that lives farther than a a couple hundred meters away from me. In other words, I'm lazy and prefer to sit and pout about missing my friend rather than hang out with my few other ones. I am going to Iron Man 2 at 12:30 AM on Friday with my friend Sarah James, though. However, I'll probably go see it again with Megan. I don't think that will offend her because I bet she's going to go see it with her boy toy Mike after she's seen it with me.

On the bright side of life, she will hopefully be sending me a postcard from Spain! And I really do hope she enjoys herself. It's not everyone who gets to go to Spain more than once in their lifetime!

*Side Note: Just for the record, I LOVE her cats. They are awesome, especially Velcro. She comes up and hugs me and gives me loves every time I come over. The other cats just look at me like I'm some strange creature that isn't their Megan invading their space. Hopefully they'll warm up to me with time... although Romeo still hasn't, and I've known him for a long time. That could be because he can smell my cats on my clothes and he knows who they are all too well.

Blank Slate

This morning as I was toddling out to feed my rabbits, the bitter cold wind striking my face repeatedly and taking away any feelings of tiredness I could possibly have, I realized how often my mind is just blank during the day. It is in my sleep when my mind runs wild. All my inspiration for life comes from my dreams. Also, a lot of what I dream actually ends up happening. For instance, one night when I was in Monterey I dreamt that my car battery went dead in the middle of town. The next day, I went into town to get something to eat from my favorite restaurant, Nifty Fifties Cafe, and when I went back to my car the car battery was dead. My only thoughts after I called AAA was that I had just dreamt that the same thing happened the night earlier. From that point on my mind was blank. I have many more examples, but they all tend to be very unpleasant things that happened, so I put that one here.

I'm not sure that the whole "blank slated" mind is a good thing, but I sure have one. My mind absorbs the information it needs while I'm awake, throwing away all the pieces that I am not going to use for my future purposes, and then dream up what I'm going to do with it at night. This could quite possibly be why I am only mediocre at a lot of things, and not good at anything. As I push myself through life I only grasp the necessary things for the time, I don't keep things that I may need for later stashed away.

This, in some strange way, also explains why I like to sleep so much. I may wake up upset with myself for having wasted so much time that could have been used for productive things, like cleaning the house, doing yard work, or completing homework, but my mind does tend to feel like it's been moving towards some amazing end which will determine how I use the rest of the small spark of life I have. I don't have to do something as amazing as Emperor Napoleon, but it would be nice to believe that I'm building up to something that will leave a mark no one will forget in this world.