Kitten Rides on Tortoise!

I realize that my blog is getting to be more video than words, but I really had to post this because it is just too darn cute!

Floating Through Time and Groups

As I view the posts on a couple of friends' blogs, I am starting to feel rather dejected on my social state in life. All of my friends (maybe excluding you, Megs? I'm not sure since neither of us really hang out with each other in groups) have groups that they run in, whether those friends come from work, college, or old high school buddies. The closest thing I've ever had to a group of friends was Derek Jackson and Cody Wolverton (I exclude the Nik and Kestin group because I was dating Nik, making it a different relationship, and Kestin was my friend outside of that), which really wasn't very groupish either. Never in my life have I ever really fit in in any sort of group. At times I have I've merely been let in to observe, but not be part of, the group.

In high school Sarah James tried to fit me into the group of friends that consisted of Sam Speer, Andrew Schull, Jill Bowers, Chad Nielsen, Jenna Jay, and several others that I'm not going to name, because most of them just drifted in and out of the group. Being different when it came to how I was raised (my parents weren't active when I was little, and then when they became active I was taught that it was okay to associate with those not of our religion), which is probably why Sarah became friends with me at all (tangent--did you realize that if you take the r out of friends it spells fiends? Coincidence or not, since sometimes friends can be fiends), I wasn't very well accepted into the group, being nicknamed the Devil's Child and generally being treated strangely/savagely. Andrew, who was Sarah's boyf at the time, absolutely hated me (likes me now, for the record), and the guys in the group that I would have considered dating didn't like me either.

Really, my only real friend in the group besides Sarah was Chad. He was really quiet and listened to everything I had to say, rarely commenting, but I knew he was listening, because he laughed a lot. I enjoyed making him laugh, which is strange, because I generally don't like people to laugh at me. While I harbored some sort of symbiotic relationship with the group as a whole (most likely parasitic), I really enjoyed talking to Chad (we had a class together my junior year, which was awesome). Soon, however, because the feeling of being disliked set in strong, I decided that I would just go home to eat lunch, as I had just gotten my driver's license. Occasionally old friends came with me, but for the most part I went home alone to eat. I felt like Cady from the show Mean Girls, who doesn't fit in anywhere until accepted in by the plastics, which wasn't happening to me, so I was pretty much at a loss.

Soon high school was over, because I graduated a year early, and when I went to college things weren't much different. Trying to be outgoing just wasn't producing very many nice results. My swedish class was a tight knit group, and we all got along really well, and I tutored my friend Carin, who was really grateful for the help, but for the most part I was just alone all the time on campus.

Truly, I miss Wes Kirkham. When all my friends went on missions, he was there to take the place of those people, and he filled more of that place than I think even I realized until after he left on his mission to Croatia. He was the one that kept me going in classes I thought I was just going to drop out of or fail; he was the one who told me fascinating stories, whether about real life or about the book he was preparing to write, and it was amazing. I felt like I could be myself around him, and I really enjoyed it. It didn't matter that there wasn't a group. I screwed it all up by getting married. Now that I'm not married, I'm writing to him, but it isn't quite the same, because I neglected that relationship so much.

So, I guess the real problem is that I see what Megan Nield, Sarah, Mike, and Ashley Thayne have, want it, get it, and screw it all up. Such is life, I guess. My lot in it is to use people to get further in it and screw up any relationships I may have with people. The only people that stay constant are Megan and Sarah, for which I am truly grateful.

Discombobulate

Megan, this is mainly for you, because I don't think anyone else that reads this is as ecstatic about this music as you and I are. Thanks for showing me this video!

Mimic Bird at the Hogle Zoo

Space Cadet Brain?

So, this week I've spent most of my time preparing to take two finals--biology and Doctrine and Covenants--for my BYU Independent Study. Since I'm going on my trip to Disneyland on Monday, I thought, "You need to get these two courses done, and then your reward can be Disneyland. You've been working on these courses for awhile, and it's ridiculous that you don't have them done yet. You're a lazy bum." Off I went with my grand goals, and I even decided that I would take the finals at BYU in Provo so I could get my name changed on my records and see about changing my registration status so I could apply for courses this fall on campus.

Things went rather swimmingly with my Biology class. I had the course material finished in two days, and I understood it rather well, as my brain doesn't wrap around that stuff considerably well. My Doctrine and Covenants class was more of a challenge, since each lesson takes at least three hours to properly complete. From forcing myself to stay on my goal so I could go to Disneyland (Telling myself I couldn't go if I didn't finish the class seemed to work for my brain, even though I knew that I would go even if I didn't finish it. Silly brain.) I managed to straggle to the finish line on wednesday evening.

I got up early the next morning, got ready, and headed down to the Y. The traffic was fine until I got to about Woods Cross, where there was some sort of metal spill on the freeway, which caused all but one lane on the north bound freeway to be functional. This caused considerable problems, as everyone had to merge into the very left lane. The process wasn't helped by the considerable amount of drivers who don't know how to merge in the state of Utah. In all the places I've been in the west, no state is worse on it's merging skills than Utah. After the train of traffic got through that tight spot, everything flowed rather nicely, even through construction. Of course, this could be because I was listening to the ten at ten on 103.5 and the year was 1972 (which was a very good year), and I wasn't bothered by the extra time it took to get to my destination because it enabled me to listen to all ten songs before I got to BYU.

When I finally reached my destination, which was not without considerable danger, as the cars that fight for a parking spot in visitor parking could be the equivalent of a crowd of fangirls each trying to touch and get a piece of Orlando Bloom's clothing, I headed over to the ASB building to have my name changed. Once done, I asked about changing my registration. They told me, that despite the fact their sign also said Registration on it, that they could not change my status for me and I would have to walk all the way across campus to get my eligibility corrected so I could take classes for Fall semester. This should have been foreboding to me, but, happy with forty dollars in my pocket from selling back my Biology textbook (Which was more than I paid for it, so I actually made a profit, so you can see why I would be perky.), I headed off with a Jamba Juice Strawberry Whirl All Fruit Smoothie in hand towards my destination.

Within the tall glass created building that has a name too long worth remembering, I came to the Independent Study office, where I was told that I would have to contact Admissions to see about my status change. I thought, "That's no big deal. They'll switch it for me and all will be dandy." Well, that wasn't what happened. After navigating through the ridiculous recording that precedes every BYU phone line connection, I got to talk to a very unforgiving woman about my registration status. When she looked up my account, she said, "You are no longer a student at BYU. You would have been, but you did not take your classes through the AIMS program and did not participate in semesters for the last year, so you are no longer a student and cannot come to BYU."

Rather in disbelief of what I just heard, I said, "I took classes through BYU Independent Study and they show up during the Winter 2009/2010 semester. They show up on my transcripts. Why can't you just change my registration status?"

"Because ma'am, you took courses through Independent Study, but not through BYU."

"The courses I took were BYU Independent Study Courses."

"You didn't take them through the right channels."

"But I received credit for them that is showing up on my BYU transcripts!" I exclaimed, choked up with tears pouring down my face. My father had got housing for me for the fall, and now what was I going to tell him?

"You will have to reapply to come here to BYU."

"Thanks for the help." I replied, rather sarcastic and upset, and hung up the phone. By this time I had walked over to the Morris Center where I was supposed to be taking my tests, but was too upset to even walk in the building, so I was slumped over miserably on the front steps of the building, crying my eyes out in horror of what I had just found out. Only one thing came to mind. Call your dad. He'll sort this out. He always helps you when people are jerks about things like this. So I called him, gave him the phone number to call, calmed myself down, and went in to take my three tests (My biology final consisted of two separate tests. Strange, I know, but that's how they do it there. A peculiar people indeed.)

Significantly calmed by the time I had taken my first test, I got a B- for my final grade in my Doctrine and Covenants course, which I am quite proud of, because it was really a tough class. I don't know how my final went for Biology, but I got a B- on my multiple choice exam. My essays are yet to be graded, but I am confident that I will have an A, mainly because I have got an A on every single other essay exam for that class.

Walking out of that building thoroughly satisfied, I turned my phone back on to discover that my Dad had pretty well worked things out. It's amazing how when the person forking the money out to the University calls about things the tone changes a full 180 degrees. I just needed to go back to the ASB and see how to apply for re-acceptance, which was supposedly a quick and easy process. I was to talk to the girl he had talked to: Macy. Unfortunately, it had been an hour and a half since he had spoken with her, and she had left for the day when I got there, so I had to talk to a girl named Hannah. She was nice enough and showed me where I needed to go to reapply, which was really quick and painless, because it only required saying what semester I was reapplying for and a new ecclesiastical endorsement.

However, she told me that the deadline for applying for former students for fall semester was March first, and I was well past that deadline. Hell, I didn't even know that I was going to be in Utah on that date, let alone divorced and headed back on campus! My circumstances didn't matter to anyone. I was just another stupid girl with a sop story that no one wanted to hear. She told me that if I didn't get accepted for fall semester I may be able to take evening classes if I spoke with an advisement counsellor. Oh joy, just what I want. The one evening class I ever took I never went to consistently because it was three hours long. I got an A- in the class, but that was because I already knew what she was teaching. Also, this would mean I couldn't register for any honors courses, which was the plan as soon as I found out I was going back to BYU. I can't take any more generals that aren't honors courses, or I won't graduate with honors. So, this severely limits my abilities to excel here. My hands are pretty well tied.

In essence, I won't have an account at the BYU Library either, which is a terrible thing, since then I cannot access any computer there to work on independent study classes, which would be the one solace to my terrible state if I do not get accepted for fall semester. Which, in a part of the conversation I did not add into the little mock one I had earlier in the post, she told me that "we are absolutely full for fall semester and there is no way you can get in." Driving home, I was dejected and upset with the overall accomplishment of my goals.

The entire point of this post is to ask myself, "Am I a complete Space Cadet?" Everything I do seems to go awry. When I get scholarships, BYU loses them or doesn't correctly follow up on them, causing me trouble. When I submitted my original application for BYU, I had to go up to the campus for a tour only to find out the reason that I hadn't received an acceptance letter was because my principal had failed to fax an official transcript of my records from my high school, so they thought I was home-schooled and were iffy about taking me. Then, when I got in and started classes, I was persecuted by my supposed own for supporting a democrat for president (which I still do not regret) and for being raised slightly different than other LDS people. My religion professor publicly humiliated me weekly in class, to the point where I didn't really want to come anymore, I nearly failed calculus because of the stupid final which didn't cover anything we learned in class, and no one would help me get started with the honors program. I was alone there and had to do everything through the School of Hard Knox. No one else I met had these types of problems with BYU. Am I doing something completely wrong with my life, like not paying attention to what I am supposed to be doing to stay on top of things on campus? Really, my end belief is that when you go to a University this big, no one cares what happens to you as long as they get your money.

Words Without Thoughts Never To Heaven Go

As promised, I've posted a scene from Hamlet with Patrick Stewart in it (just recently knighted, so it's sir). For those of you who don't know who he is, which is a sad state of affairs if you don't, he is Professor Xavier in X Men and Captain John Luke Picard in Star Trek. He's been in lots of roles, but those tend to be the most popular. Anyways, in Hamlet he stars as Claudius, the Uncle to Hamlet that murdered his own brother for the throne.

Too Soon?

So, opinions on this one would be nice. It's been two months since the whole thing with my ex-husband went on. I had been away from him for eight out of the nine months of the marriage, and that created a barrier between us on top of his problems. I'm not going to say I didn't love the guy, but when someone is away that long you have to completely rebuild your relationship with them. Obviously, Nik was a completely different person than the one I married. So, in my mind, the eight counts as part of the whole shebang that I name the two month period, which equals ten months altogether. There is now official closure from the court, and I'm completely relieved, but with that relief comes some confusion.

I feel completely ready to move on with my life, and this includes the dating part. However, most people, in my mind, are looking at this as a just got over with it situation, that I should wait before I think about dating again. They look at it as a short period of two months that should be extended so I can become an emotionally stable person. Well, here's my problem, in essence--I currently recognize myself as an emotionally stable person capable of intimate interaction with members of the opposite sex. Having a relationship with another man is essential to my full reintegration into single society, and until I do that I won't be able to fully reacclimatize.

When I talked to Brandon Campbell yesterday I happened to mention that I had an ex-husband when he was talking about speaking portuguese. Brandon couldn't hide the complete shock and uncertainty from his face. The shock was expected, but then the continual glances of confusion about my stability were very apparent. Is this how all guys are going to look at me from now on?* How am I supposed to date someone who is just dating me out of pity, or for that matter, how am I even going to get a date when the guy is just expecting it to be a rebound on my part?

Also, I'm particularly attracted and interested in a guy that currently resides in Virginia Beach**. I liked him before I had even thought about getting married, and he seemed to like me, but he had a girlfriend at the time and nothing ever happened, and then I got engaged. The rest is history. Anyways, I find that I am still attracted to him, but since he's in Virginia Beach it is kind of inconvenient for me to tell him and to find out if there would be a chance for us. He's also four years older than me. Is that a bad thing? Does he just look at me and see a kid who just has a passing crush on him (I have this huge fear that he knows and just isn't telling me he doesn't want to date me because he's nice like that)? I'm really quite a coward at heart, so I really doubt I'm ever going to ask him. There's a chance, but it is slim. I am generally comfortable with the guy initiating the relationship.

Personally, I feel like someone inexperienced and insecure by posing these questions, but I feel like writing my feelings down allows me to assess my situation and know how to proceed. Usually writing clears my head, but this just won't go away until it is absolved. The largest problem is that he is in Virginia and I would prefer to confront him in person instead of over the phone or via text message. The latter two ways just seem too impersonal to me. It's obvious to me I'm going to have to work up the courage to tell him since I can't have peace until I do. So, do I wait nearly three months and then ask, not ask at all, or what?

* Particularly pertaining to guys of my same religion.

** This guy doesn't live in Virginia. He lives here in Plain City. See the first HAAY I posted. That's the guy.

Royal Shakespeare Company Hamlet

Previously I had tried to put up the full movie of Hamlet that the Royal Shakespeare Company in London put on. Since it didn't work I deleted it, but there are a couple of soliloquies that I really just have to put on my blog. I may be biased towards David Tennant's acting because he is so good looking, but the newspapers in London were calling him the best Hamlet they've seen in years when it was on it's run on stage. I may show some of Patrick Stewart as well, but in a later post. This post is mainly showcasing one of the best actors of our time. He was Barty Crouch Jr. in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire for those of you who have no idea who this guy is.