My parents think that it would be good for me to go see a counselor/psychologist to just talk about what has gone on in my life over the past year and so I can move on and get through it. My problem is that the last time I went to one of those people it was overly obvious that they were going to do whatever the parent wanted them to do, regardless of what was really going on. It makes me realize that, as you are paying these people, they really just pretend to care about what is going on in your life. That, and as psychology is a soft science, I really don't put much stock in it. To me, having a "talk about your feelings fest" isn't what is going to help me; I just need time to work out who I am going to be after all this.
People never stay the same; experiences make us grow, and as we experience new things every day, change is a constant. We change our beliefs and viewpoints based on what we experience. Our reality is based on what we see, believe, and experience, so it is pointless to say to someone, "that's not true; those things never happen in life," because obviously it has happened to the person who believes it. Now, this doesn't cover everyone, but it covers the majority.
When my mother was talking to me in the car, she told me that I should just forget the last year and pretend it never happened, because having my marriage annulled means that it never happened. However, based on my knowledge of the definition, which is a formal invalidation, I cannot accept her logic. The annulment just meant that my marriage became invalid, not that it never happened. It was valid before, but now it isn't. Nor can I just erase that year from my mind. In fact, there are many things I would not like to forget about that time of my life. Forgetting everything would mean forgetting my beautiful bunny rabbit Squishie, the smell of the ocean, the feel of the fog creeping around my feet as it rolled off of the ocean onto the peninsula, the sound of sea lions, the fun times I had with my Bengal Lex in our house as we played baseball down the hallway, and so many more beautiful things that shaped my perception of beauty.
Since I can't forget, I must move forward. I feel that I am making progress, but I also know that the next step towards treating people better is gaining my self confidence back. To me, this entails losing about ten pounds, moving out of my house to go to BYU for awhile, and accomplishing the goals I have set for myself at BYU. I love my family, but I feel like a burden because I was on my own and then plopped back into their reality when mine fell apart. If I don't move forward I won't stagnate, but move backwards, and that is the last thing I want anyone to see.
No comments:
Post a Comment