A New Serious Funk

Feeling stupid is a new concept for me.  It has been two years since I had to do any math for school, and so coming back into a quick precalculus review and then throwing myself headlong into calculus is quite a trip for me.  I spent three days trying to work my way through a math book searching for how to do one stupid problem.  I never figured it out, and I wouldn't ask for help beyond my dad, who hasn't done precalculus or calculus in so long that he didn't remember.

Instead of my usual A grade, I got a B.  Sure, that may not seem like a big deal to most people, but it is to me.  I should have an A on a pretest on precalculus so I can optimally understand calculus.  Today really wasn't the day I should have started and completed that test.  I woke up later than I wanted to, and since then have been in a serious funk.  This is most likely coming from just a bad memory day mixed with feeling bruised and in pain from coming off of the constant use of pain medications from the past week.  I've been curt and even angry with my mom throughout the day for the silliest things.  Really, I did enjoy most of my day with her, so I shouldn't have spent it annoyed at life.

By the time I'd finished the pretest I was brimming with rage.  Two of the three questions I missed were due to stupid mistakes on my part.  That's really what got me into a rage mode.  I came down the stairs and my mom asked me something; I don't even remember what it was.  When I told her that I had just taken the pretest and got an 85 percent on it, she said, "Chelsea" in a slightly upset tone, and I just went off.  Earlier she'd hit my problem on the nose: I'm somewhat prideful when it comes to having to ask for help from my peers in scholarly pursuits.  I feel like I should be able to do it all on my own.

Before I got into a fight I knew I didn't want to be in, I went out for a bike ride.  Channelling all that rage into a physical activity is a really good coping mechanism for me.  I went about four miles before I was reasonably calmed down, and then I ran into some neighbor friends of mine.  Talking to them always makes me feel better.  So, after that I came back to my house, apologized to my mom, and made myself a smoothie.  Since then I've been feeling okay about life.  Maybe I'll just think about asking for help with my math later.