A Long Hiatus, but Back because Reminded

I saw my best friend Megan this last week because it was her sister Erin's wedding (wonderful wedding, wonderful people!) and she mentioned that I hadn't updated my blog in a long time. Well, that's mostly because of two things: a) dance and school and work (yes, I got into grad school at Weber State and got hired there as an adjunct to teach English 1010) and b) I utilize wordpress now more than anything, and I have a craft blog where I do my updates for that. So I haven't even thought to update anything. But there have been several big things that I feel like I want to say, but that I hate to say very publicly (as in FB) because there are people that would feel bad or hurt about it.

But first: goals update.

1: I've been trying to communicate with people better, especially when it's pertinent. The problem has become for me, is there any way to determine the best time to communicate the things that are pertinent? More on this in a minute.

2: Because I'm in graduate school, the idea is to get something, or actually somethings, published and so you look good for PhD programs when you're finished with graduate school. So, this semester I'm trying to write a killer paper to get into a conference, and I'm also going to be writing a book review to hopefully get published. We'll see how it goes.

3: My job isn't full time, really, but I'm teaching in college. And it's paying for my college. And paying me on top of that. Can I ask for better right now, really?

4: I read one philosophy book off my list and bought a few more, but Randall Munroe's What If book is currently taking up all my time. He's the guy who writes XKCD, in case you didn't know.

5: HAHAHAHAHA I'm never going to be good at exercising.

Now, onto the rest.

Some of you know I was dating someone semi-seriously. His name is Jeremy. You may have noticed the was. This is why I asked the question I asked about #1. He had been pretty aloof, and then one night I went to kiss him goodbye and he pushed me away, then asked me to call him when I got home. I told him, "Well, thanks for the good times," because I knew he was going to break up with me there, or end things, or whatever you want to call it, but he said, "Won't there be more good times?" Instead of confronting him right there and making him communicate with me, I went home crying. Then I called him before I got home to talk, and that's when he decided to tell me he was no longer interested and that I shouldn't be upset because we were never exclusive, and that the reason he was leaving was because he wasn't happy with me (and hadn't been for months, apparently) and because I obviously had too much skin in the game.

I was distraught, and then told him a bunch of things I thought and had thought. I spent the next few days crying and angry, and then told him we couldn't be friends (which hasn't really worked out the way I thought because I still see him all the time at dances and I decided to work with him to create a blues dance lesson series, which is more of a business relationship, but one he takes advantage of for friendship, and me too on occasion, if I'm being honest), and it caught him off guard, because he thought it could just go back to the way it was before I'd been his girl. When he keeps trying to break ground rules I've set, it leaves me sad. Also, wondering why it is that he couldn't just be straightforward and break up with me in person. Am I really that scary that he has to make sure I'm miles away before he tells me?

Today was his birthday. I couldn't help myself: I made him a card and some roasted pumpkin seeds and thought I'd ask him if he wanted to grab dessert for his birthday so I could give them to him. He said thanks, but that he had already met with [insert girl's name here] for lunch and he probably didn't want to. But thanks anyways. So I was hurt. I wasn't important enough to want to spend time with. But he had to meet me on my birthday and by me dessert and make me work on an image I didn't want to work on and be with someone I didn't want to be with on my birthday because I had certain expectations for how we would spend my birthday and those weren't going to happen now. But no, he gets to say no to me because it all has to work the way he wants it. So it leads me back to the same hurtful questions:

1. If he wasn't happy with me, how much of the relationship is a lie because I was happy and he was faking?
2. If he was never romantically involved with me (in his mind) then why did he decide to lead me on by doing all those romantic things with me?
3. Was I, and have I always been, just someone he saw as useful and figured it would be good to get me personally invested so I'd stick around?
4. Does he just not see how much his actions continually hurt me?

And I want to ask him these questions all the time. But the couple of times I've tried to ask him he skirts around the questions with the answer of: "Me telling you why this relationship, which wasn't even exclusive, is no longer working for me isn't going to change anything. You trying to talk about this isn't going to fix it. I can't give you any closure, because I don't see that this is a permanent thing, and just because it's ending now doesn't mean it won't pick back up in the future." Which is essentially him telling me, in my mind, I want to try out another girl right now, but when it doesn't work, I'll come pick you up off that shelf I put you on just now, so don't go anywhere. I might want you again as a rebound.

And it makes me feel worthless and sick. Sick because I felt happy for the last year and a half with him. Sick because I had healing moments with him that now I feel like could have easily meant nothing to him. Sick because I question the legitimacy of those healing moments now. Sick because I shared intimate things with him I haven't shared with anyone and now he has that as ammunition if he really wanted (although my rational mind knows he wouldn't do that). Sick because the last year of my life is possibly a lie. Sick because the first man I've ever felt like I could truly say loved me actually didn't have any feelings for me. Sick because I told that man I loved him and it was really scary, and it turned out he didn't care. Sick because it's been a month since he did this to me and I still cry at least once a week over it.

I've been trying to stay busy with a lot of things to keep happy, but it's the hours I'm alone that it makes me sad. Want to see what I wrote in the birthday card? I thought a lot about it, and I heard two Doctor Who quotes from this latest season that really fit what I wanted to say to him, so I just used them:

Jeremy, 

I know I’m breaking my own rules, but since you’re never finished with anyone while they can still make you angry, I guess I figured we’ve got some more interacting to do. I mean, hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone you don’t like, right? So, here’s to seeing what another year of interaction brings. And for God’s sake, don’t stop dressing well just because I’m not around to choose what looks best on you. Happy birthday. We’re still not dancing.

Love, 

Chelsea

Not dancing is one of my rules that's probably going to have to stay for a long time. I cry after every time I dance with him. Which is bad if you're driving home at night. Or driving period. And I can't say I don't feel hate almost every day I think of my favorite memories and realize that he probably didn't feel anything like what I was feeling. 

I don't know. Should I feel angry and upset? Or should I just take the moments as what I felt and be happy I actually, for the first time since I got divorced, was able to open up to someone and enjoy life in love for a year and a half? Probably the last one, and maybe eventually I'll get there. I'm just really upset now. So you may see me post memories or frustrations or random things and thoughts here as I progress through this. It seems to be what I did here for my divorce, so why not just continue to post life realizations here? Don't see why not. Then I'll have THREE BLOGS! My blues dance blog, my craft blog, and this. Guess it's not too crazy, right?

Also, a parting thought from Doctor Who: “You only find out what someone thinks of you when you find out what lies they’ve told you.”

A Girl Wants to Write in Gallifreyan Every Now and Then

Trust

Doctor: "You need to start trusting me; it's never been more important. "
Amy: "But you don't always tell me the truth."
Doctor "If I always told you the truth I wouldn't need you to trust me."
~Flesh and Stone


Never looked at trust that way.

Mind blown.

Philosophy and beliefs revolutionized.

You're Doctor Who!

I love this comic relief.

Knock Knock

At least, it made me giggle.

On a Day Like Today

Days like today make me really annoyed.  I just wanted to destroy everything.  So, instead of destroying, I created.

2 cups cooked chicken 1/2 tsp curry powder(opt.)
2 cans cream of chicken soup 1/2 cup shredded cheese
1 cup mayonnaise 1/2 cup soft bread crumbs
1 tsp lemon juice 2 tbs melted butter

Cook broccoli arrange in greased cooking dish. Place chicken on top of broccoli. Combine soup, mayo, lemon juice and curry pwdr.
Pour over chicken. Sprinkle with cheese. Combine bread crumbs with with melted butter and sprinkle over all. Bake @ 350 for 25 or 30 minutes. Serves 6 to 8


If you don't want to use curry powder, substitute 1/2 tsp salt and 1/4 tsp pepper.  You can also use one can of cream of chicken and one can of cream of mushroom.  That's what I do.


The finished product:

And a good dose of the Doctor.

My British Favorites

Oh, the velvet suit.


Billie Piper!  Of course David is the better kisser!  He's the better Doctor, too.


Graham Norton*...gotta love this guy.

America needs to adopt Britain's talk show setup.  They steal everything else, why not make the late night shows imitate the best in Britain?

*I would have posted many more clips of his show, but I figured no one was going to want to spend all day watching clips on my blog.  However, the one with Orlando Bloom is pretty good.  The one with Zac Effron makes me laugh every time I watch it, and no one does pranks quite like Graham.

Yup, I'm an Addict

My mom and I wrapped a bunch of Christmas presents yesterday.  When I opened a new roll of wrapping paper, I said, "This is nice looking paper, and it smells good too.  Some wrapping paper has an odd smell, but some smells really good."

When she was done listening to me, my mom said, "You're a paper addict.  After listening to you talk about the way each book's paper has a unique smell that makes you love to read, and now this, you're definitely an addict."

Really, I'll never be able to fully switch over to electronic reading sources, because I miss the book smell when I read on an electronic device.  There's something about a library that just brings out the reading spirit in me.  And then I think about the Vashta Nerada (means the Shadows that melt the flesh), and then I have to stay out of the shadows.  I try to forget about the Vashta Nerada when I think about them, because that kind of just destroys the great thought of the library.  Doctor Who thing, Vashta Nerada.

If anyone's gone shopping for paper or pens with me, or been in a book store or library with me, then you know what I mean.  I'm pretty sure I've scared people.  So, I generally try to do my shopping for paper products by myself, and then only shop in book stores with friends sparingly.  You can't really avoid running into people you know at libraries.

Hello, My Name Is Martha Jones

You know if you watch Doctor Who.  There's The Doctor, Rose Tyler, Martha Jones triangle.



I'm Martha Jones, and I'm getting out!

The Annual Carve

Megan and I got this tradition going four years ago.  I grow a bunch of pumpkins in my garden, and then the night before Halloween we choose a few and carve them.  Here's this year's finished product!

In years past we've had a lot more carved, but this year I only did one, the haunted house.  Megan did the other awesome ones.  The Tardis has to be my favorite!

Doctor Who Dream

The Doctor and I (Rose Tyler) were walking around this “get away” ship dock for a sightseeing trip, and a blue particle ray hits a ship, but nothing weird happens to it. The ship was round and flat, like a disc. It was silver with a bunch of shiny gadgets on the outside of it. We were both interested, so The Doctor handed me his psychic paper and said, “Rose, reserve us a spot onboard.” He walked off to examine the part of the spaceship that the blue particle ray had hit, and found no visible damage.

I walked up to this one eyed alien that had legs made out of some sort of yellow light, and when I showed her what I wanted on the psychic paper she said passengers were only allowed onboard this trip if they were married, so I pointed to The Doctor and said, “Yes, we’re married, and he’s wonderful.” So we ended up having to pretend we were married, and we were welcomed onboard.

We were shown to a beautiful suite, and we were told that we could get room service any time we wanted, and we were told where the main gathering area of couples would be in this area of the ship. When the guide was gone, The Doctor snuck the TARDIS onboard using his sonic screwdriver. The reason this is is because of some protocol that The Doctor had set before coming onboard with me.

We went to the main room to socialize and get some food, which was really amazing chicken and rice. The Doctor even commented on how excellent the food was. He told me he could feel the ship increasing in speed and commented on how it was very unusual, and went on rambling and mumbling to himself and walking around and acting like his head was about to burst. Everyone was staring at him, and a passenger asked, “Is he always this odd?”

I replied, “Well, he’s just a little bit insane. The doctors said it was because of something to do with personality shifts that keep him in a slight state of psychosis, but I still love him.”

They all nodded and told me how kind and romantic that was.

After the evening we went to our suite, and The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver to see which direction we were traveling, and found it to be North East. He couldn’t think of what could be to the North East of where we were docked, so he just gave up for the time being, hopped into bed, and patted the empty space next to him for me to hop on to go to sleep.

The Doctor started rambling on about how he couldn’t figure out what was going on, and I had this strong urge to kiss him, so I did. He looked at me for a second or two with an interesting look on his face, and then he started kissing me back. I fell asleep in his arms.

The next day when we woke up, he said, “You kissed me.”

I said, “Yes.” The emotion of love that I felt was amazingly strong. “Can I do it again?”

He smiled and came and snogged me again, and held me close. My thoughts were of how much I loved this trip, despite if something bad was going on. I just got the man I love to show me affection.

We got ready to go out to explore, and I got separated from The Doctor. I hid because the woman who welcomed us onboard was explaining to someone that we were traveling to somewhere that would lock us in time and space.

Then there was a flashback in my dream from the alien woman’s point of view. The creature was observing the earth and “The Great Survivors” of the universe, humans. She decided to get couples onboard her ship after that so she could do testing on the race and their children to discover the secret to their survival.

I ran to the main room, and when I got in there I went to tell The Doctor what I had overheard, but when I got in there all the doors started to shut and lock, but I stopped the door successfully for about fifteen minutes until I got shoved back in the room by an alien and locked in. I went and told The Doctor what I had heard, and this man came out of the shadows. He was a stowaway. This man said that he had a gadget that, if the right coordinates were put in it, they could get up to the main deck and stop whatever was going on. It was a wristband of sorts that reminded both The Doctor and I of Captain Jack Harkness’s time vortex manipulator.

The Doctor used his sonic screwdriver to get the coordinates, and the man put them in. Both of them put their hands on the vortex manipulator and when the man punched the button nothing happened. When the coordinates on the man’s vortex manipulator wouldn’t work, he told me it was because of where we were headed, straight into a time pocket nebula. We could stay in there for hundreds of years without being touched by time, age, or space, or anything. He then told me it was a rather hard thing to get out of, and that we had to get the ship stopped at all costs. The Doctor then smiled and called the TARDIS to him, explaining that his ship, actually being a capsule, would be able to travel until we actually got into the nebula. We got in the TARDIS, and that is when the dream ended, unfortunately, because I woke up.

I can, however, guess at the ending. I knew the reason that we were being taken to the nebula through the point of view of the alien, so when we got to the main deck I would have been able to get The Doctor to find out why the alien was taking the humans inside a time pocket nebula. We would have stopped her and turned the ship around, enjoyed telling everyone that things were okay and good and safe, and then hopped back in the TARDIS and left to a new area of time and space, and a new adventure.