Kick Me When I'm Down

I feel like I've been punched in the face and then kicked while I'm down. I hate it when one person decides to make you feel like crap and they successfully do so not just for one day, but for several. That's what my husband, soon to be ex-husband if the hearing goes my way, has done to me. Between telling me that I'm a terrible Christian and that if I "get married again the man [I] marry better be damn near perfect or he's gonna be miserable for the rest of his life," I feel fantastic. Was it too much to ask for someone to live the same standards as me, and for a husband that doesn't harbor same sex tendencies and not tell his wife about it? Was it too much to ask that I have money for food so I didn't starve while he was away? Was it too much to ask that when I found out about all the lies he told me that I wanted reparations through the tax money, (which just ended up going for the lawyer and the move anyway) or I would make him pay for half of the move and his half of the lawyer (he told me I was blackmailing him over that. The guy must not know the meaning of the word, possibly?)? Right now I'm so upset that I hope my lawyer rips my husband to shreds in front of the judge when he comes to the hearing.

Nik has done this kind of thing several times to me since I've decided that I'm going to leave him, and I don't think it's right. I haven't called him except for on official business, and I've not been slanderous or harassed him in any way. What he's doing is harassment. I could take him back to court over that. I've been debating on getting a restraining order over it. I'd probably have to add his family members to it too, as his Dad is complaining that my entire family is twisting and perverting gospel principles to get this annulment granted. I dare-say his son's actions allow me to not "submit" like a good wife should and let him continue in his habits. I should not be forced to live with someone that uses me simply for the stab at normalcy. He says he loves me: he's done a bang up job at showing it with all the harassment. He says he wants me to not go through with the annulment and stay with him to help him work through all his problems. Sorry bud, but you had the problems before the marriage and you told me that you had all those problems solved and behind you. Obviously they were right behind you and came back to bite you in the butt. Oh, and not to mention that you lied about going to church and following the standards that you professed to believe in so I would marry you. THAT was a huge one, dude.

I don't feel like I'm going to burn in hell for my decision, but I do feel like I'm in hell now. Not a day goes by when I don't cry over some terrible remark that Nik has said to me since I've chosen to leave him. Mr. "I Never Verbally Abuse You. I'm Always In Control." Obviously isn't in control of himself AT ALL. His addictions and his neurological disorders control him. If he fixes those, great, but he can't expect me to be the one pushing him to do the things that are right. Especially when every time I tried to make the right decisions in our marriage before I knew about the problem I got my head bit off. He is so mentally ill he can't see what he does and doesn't do, so how am I supposed to speak reason into the head of someone that messed up?

In the midst of all this, I feel like everyone has forsaken me. As I stand in the gall of bitterness, I do so alone. My mother doesn't even know how to comfort me, and she's gone through almost the exact same thing. Even with my beliefs at my side, how am I not to crumble over all the stress, harassment, and pain? The first time the harassment happened to me I broke down and did not function period. Did Not function for over an hour. My mom had to physically move me up the stairs and get me in a warm bubble bath and read a couple chapters out of a science fiction book to me to even get me to barely function. I didn't break right down when he harassed me (first paragraph description) on Saturday, but it's finally sunk in to the point that I'm once again barely functioning. Soon I might not be functioning at all.