But first: goals update.
1: I've been trying to communicate with people better, especially when it's pertinent. The problem has become for me, is there any way to determine the best time to communicate the things that are pertinent? More on this in a minute.
2: Because I'm in graduate school, the idea is to get something, or actually somethings, published and so you look good for PhD programs when you're finished with graduate school. So, this semester I'm trying to write a killer paper to get into a conference, and I'm also going to be writing a book review to hopefully get published. We'll see how it goes.
3: My job isn't full time, really, but I'm teaching in college. And it's paying for my college. And paying me on top of that. Can I ask for better right now, really?
4: I read one philosophy book off my list and bought a few more, but Randall Munroe's What If book is currently taking up all my time. He's the guy who writes XKCD, in case you didn't know.
5: HAHAHAHAHA I'm never going to be good at exercising.
Now, onto the rest.
Some of you know I was dating someone semi-seriously. His name is Jeremy. You may have noticed the was. This is why I asked the question I asked about #1. He had been pretty aloof, and then one night I went to kiss him goodbye and he pushed me away, then asked me to call him when I got home. I told him, "Well, thanks for the good times," because I knew he was going to break up with me there, or end things, or whatever you want to call it, but he said, "Won't there be more good times?" Instead of confronting him right there and making him communicate with me, I went home crying. Then I called him before I got home to talk, and that's when he decided to tell me he was no longer interested and that I shouldn't be upset because we were never exclusive, and that the reason he was leaving was because he wasn't happy with me (and hadn't been for months, apparently) and because I obviously had too much skin in the game.
I was distraught, and then told him a bunch of things I thought and had thought. I spent the next few days crying and angry, and then told him we couldn't be friends (which hasn't really worked out the way I thought because I still see him all the time at dances and I decided to work with him to create a blues dance lesson series, which is more of a business relationship, but one he takes advantage of for friendship, and me too on occasion, if I'm being honest), and it caught him off guard, because he thought it could just go back to the way it was before I'd been his girl. When he keeps trying to break ground rules I've set, it leaves me sad. Also, wondering why it is that he couldn't just be straightforward and break up with me in person. Am I really that scary that he has to make sure I'm miles away before he tells me?
Today was his birthday. I couldn't help myself: I made him a card and some roasted pumpkin seeds and thought I'd ask him if he wanted to grab dessert for his birthday so I could give them to him. He said thanks, but that he had already met with [insert girl's name here] for lunch and he probably didn't want to. But thanks anyways. So I was hurt. I wasn't important enough to want to spend time with. But he had to meet me on my birthday and by me dessert and make me work on an image I didn't want to work on and be with someone I didn't want to be with on my birthday because I had certain expectations for how we would spend my birthday and those weren't going to happen now. But no, he gets to say no to me because it all has to work the way he wants it. So it leads me back to the same hurtful questions:
1. If he wasn't happy with me, how much of the relationship is a lie because I was happy and he was faking?
2. If he was never romantically involved with me (in his mind) then why did he decide to lead me on by doing all those romantic things with me?
3. Was I, and have I always been, just someone he saw as useful and figured it would be good to get me personally invested so I'd stick around?
4. Does he just not see how much his actions continually hurt me?
And I want to ask him these questions all the time. But the couple of times I've tried to ask him he skirts around the questions with the answer of: "Me telling you why this relationship, which wasn't even exclusive, is no longer working for me isn't going to change anything. You trying to talk about this isn't going to fix it. I can't give you any closure, because I don't see that this is a permanent thing, and just because it's ending now doesn't mean it won't pick back up in the future." Which is essentially him telling me, in my mind, I want to try out another girl right now, but when it doesn't work, I'll come pick you up off that shelf I put you on just now, so don't go anywhere. I might want you again as a rebound.
And it makes me feel worthless and sick. Sick because I felt happy for the last year and a half with him. Sick because I had healing moments with him that now I feel like could have easily meant nothing to him. Sick because I question the legitimacy of those healing moments now. Sick because I shared intimate things with him I haven't shared with anyone and now he has that as ammunition if he really wanted (although my rational mind knows he wouldn't do that). Sick because the last year of my life is possibly a lie. Sick because the first man I've ever felt like I could truly say loved me actually didn't have any feelings for me. Sick because I told that man I loved him and it was really scary, and it turned out he didn't care. Sick because it's been a month since he did this to me and I still cry at least once a week over it.
I've been trying to stay busy with a lot of things to keep happy, but it's the hours I'm alone that it makes me sad. Want to see what I wrote in the birthday card? I thought a lot about it, and I heard two Doctor Who quotes from this latest season that really fit what I wanted to say to him, so I just used them:
Jeremy,
I know I’m breaking my own rules, but since you’re never finished with anyone while they can still make you angry, I guess I figured we’ve got some more interacting to do. I mean, hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone you don’t like, right? So, here’s to seeing what another year of interaction brings. And for God’s sake, don’t stop dressing well just because I’m not around to choose what looks best on you. Happy birthday. We’re still not dancing.
Love,
Chelsea
Not dancing is one of my rules that's probably going to have to stay for a long time. I cry after every time I dance with him. Which is bad if you're driving home at night. Or driving period. And I can't say I don't feel hate almost every day I think of my favorite memories and realize that he probably didn't feel anything like what I was feeling.
I don't know. Should I feel angry and upset? Or should I just take the moments as what I felt and be happy I actually, for the first time since I got divorced, was able to open up to someone and enjoy life in love for a year and a half? Probably the last one, and maybe eventually I'll get there. I'm just really upset now. So you may see me post memories or frustrations or random things and thoughts here as I progress through this. It seems to be what I did here for my divorce, so why not just continue to post life realizations here? Don't see why not. Then I'll have THREE BLOGS! My blues dance blog, my craft blog, and this. Guess it's not too crazy, right?
Also, a parting thought from Doctor Who: “You only find out what someone thinks of you when you find out what lies they’ve told you.”
Also, a parting thought from Doctor Who: “You only find out what someone thinks of you when you find out what lies they’ve told you.”
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