The List

I just watched this show called Beauty & The Briefcase.  It was a good show, albeit an ABC Family cheesy show.  I've been into watching Netflix streaming movies.  I've watched a couple ABC Family ones now, including My Future Boyfriend.  I also watched According to Greta.  That was a good one, not ABC Family, but still really good.  Back on point.  I realize that this post hasn't made a move toward a point yet.  It's getting there.

Most people I know--girls and guys--have a list.  I mean, everyone makes lists, but this is The List.  The qualities for a partner list.  I've yet to meet a girl that hasn't had one.  My friend Megan and I used to joke around in junior high with mottos such as "foreign is better," "foreign + guitar = hot," and "nice guys finish last."  I still have a note full of the sayings that she came up with.  I know we worked on some together, but her ability to turn a phrase is amazing.  Always has been, always will be.  Actually, I don't really know that I've ever sat down and asked her what her serious list is.  Before I got married, I was pretty shallow.  The list was one, foreign, two, good looking, three, smart.  I'm sure there were more, but those are the main ones I remember.  Maybe they're the ones I remember because I think that they define how shallow of a person I can be.

And I took a breath, and I got my hot, smart foreign guy--and I ruined my life.

So, how do these last two paragraphs tie in with the first one?  Well, Beauty & The Briefcase had to do with finding the right guy.  Finding the guy that met everything on her list.  And she gets a guy in the end, but he has zero out of ten of the qualities on The List.  The guy that met the qualities on The List, that she falls in love with in the middle of the show, was a complete liar.  He pretended to be what she wanted so he could get in bed with her.

That's how stupid we are.  We all want some dream match; the love of fairy-tales.  It doesn't exist.  Real love is hard, and you have to work at it every day if you want it to last.  You can't lie your way through it, and the qualities that you're looking for are often you lying to yourself about what you want.

If you never tell the truth about yourself when you meet someone you like, you're headed for trouble.  I know everyone always says that.  I don't think everyone who says that has experience like mine to back it up.  If you're honest with the someone you want to date, then if that someone really likes you, he/she will like you for your honesty.

Get rid of The List.  If you must have The List, let only two things be on it.  One, he/she is the same religion as you.  Two, he/she has the same morals as you.  These two things, I believe, could be grouped into one if you want.  However, just because someone shares the same religion as you doesn't mean that they share the same morals.  Example, my aforementioned marriage.

There have been men who have come and gone in my life that weren't foreign or hot, but who shared my values and treated me well.  And I let that slide because I had a list of what I thought was important.  I've missed chances I should have taken.

What now?  There are guys that I want to be friends with.  Just friends.  I am just socially awkward enough that I don't know how to initiate friendship without making men think I'm hitting on them.  Realistically, I realize that I can probably only ever be friends with the guys in my community.  I believe I had my chance, and I botched it.  I'd still like to associate with guys.  I'm fantastic at not doing well at that.

And in my dream world, I'd like to date a certain someone.  I want a guy to come in and sweep me off my feet.  To let me know that it doesn't matter that I've been married before.  That he still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  He doesn't have to have any particular qualities.  I believe that what most people would call a spark, is all it'd take.

My dating life is a no-go, though.  If I'm just socially awkward enough to have trouble in the friendship field, I'm running from the cops in the dating field.  I make every mistake possible.  I'm sure I break all the laws of initiating a relationship.  I blush.  I sound like an idiot.  I stare.  I try being a bit forward.  Then I back off.  I stop talking to the guy.  I avoid said guy because he never asks me out, and things are unavoidably awkward because I think he knows I like him and would like to date him.  Obviously he doesn't want to date me.  A bit of despair.

Thank goodness I was able to get away from that last bit by actually running away home for a couple months.  We'll come to the "what happens when you get back to Provo and see him again" bridge when we have to cross it.