The Most Awkward Subject

Guys.  It always seems to come up.  Whether I want the subject to come up or not.  Sure, the general talk about them isn't hard.  There's general responses for that.  It's when I need advice on guys that it sucks. Or, when I have to give advice.  I really don't know which is worse.

When you have to ask advice about a certain guy, then you run the risk of the person you ask being indiscreet in their actions after you ask them.  So, then, who do you ask?  Well, if you want to ask girls that he's friends with, which you would think would be best because they know him the best, then you run the risk of them just out and telling him.  Is that a good or bad thing?

Also, I feel really awkward asking anyways.  It seems a rather frivolous activity, looking for a relationship. Especially when the guy is silent unless you talk first, and then the silence gets so loud you don't think you've ever heard it quite that loud, but you still like him.  It's like a game of cat and mouse, but you don't know who's who.

Then, when people ask me about relationships.  Well, we already know how that goes with me, as evidenced here.  Still, lately I've tried to answer.  The tough thing about that is that you have certain things you want to say, but you can see in the girl's eyes, or hear in her voice, that she thinks that she's heard it all before and that I'm just saying things to try and make her feel better.  Why do we even ask each other for advice on guys, then?  Why don't we just ask other guys?  Well, I don't get any good answers from other guys.  It usually consists of the words, "Um, I dunno."  Or, there's the general, "You're over-thinking things."  Sometimes I think the second answer is warranted, but sometimes I think it's just a fallback answer.

I hope Ryan doesn't mind, which I guess he shouldn't because he posted this on facebook, and I don't even think he reads this.  Still, I think that his answer to why this time in life is hard was a good one.

The Challenge of this stage in life is finding someone you can do everything with and share everything with. Someone who's goals and ambitions will be your goals and ambitions which you will work toward together. Someone with which you can work out happiness, just as the Savior has asked us to. Someone with the courage to tell you when you are falling short and then reaches out to help lift you back up and loves you in the process. If you can find one with which you can do that and you will find yourself working to build an eternal relationship and an eternal family. Be mindful, this will be the one with whom you will be tried, tested, burdened, purified and exalted with. This will be one who will come to see you as you really are, all your faults, imperfections, habits, and insecurities yet they will love you despite them. You will come to find yourself doing the same for them. You will work with them, make decisions with them, cry, mourn, and stress with them; laugh, love and rejoice with them. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Just be the person you need to be and be grateful. Do all things in wisdom and in order.

The Christmas Kickoff

First off, this blizzard that everyone was talking about, it wasn't really more than a bad snow storm.  I wouldn't call it a blizzard; it didn't last long in Ogden, anyways.  We went to the Christmas Tree Jubilee Gala/Live Auction tonight.  We being my family, the Jensens, my dad's secretary Julie Carpenter, and Ryan Taylor.  It was really fun; my dad ended up spending $4000 on a Christmas tree.  I'm pretty sure that my mom is still in shock over it, as am I.   60,000 some odd dollars (probably add a couple thousand or so to that number) was raised (to help children with disabilities) with donations and the live auction alone, not counting the dinner, the silent auction, or the boutique sales.

Yeah, that's really all for tonight.  When I figure out where my dad is going to put that tree, I'll have to post pictures of it.  All the ornaments are handmade--carved--and the tree is sort of a free-hanging thing.  It doesn't rotate, but it moves back and forth, type of thing.

I Have This Thing...

Lately my saying has been "I have this thing..." which is usually followed by the word where.

I have this thing where it isn't supposed to snow until at least Thanksgiving, if not the day after.  The weather should follow my commands, because I don't want to be thinking it's Christmas before Thanksgiving.

I have this thing where I don't like to drink any hot chocolate until January, and then I have this thing where it can only be peppermint hot chocolate with candy cane chunks in it.

I have this thing where I need a small tree that I can name Kestin for the holiday season, and even possibly after it.

I have this thing where I can't look him in the eye and talk to him at the same time, because my semantics are all weird, and I sound like a complete idiot.  For instance, I said this thing to him, "Well, my dad has to go early, but you can ride with us if you want, my aunt Brenda and my mom and me."  You can?  Who am I kidding?  I made it sound like he either could ride with us or go on his own.  Gee, thanks Chels.*

I have this thing where Frank Sinatra can only be listened to in the winter, or on rainy days.

I have this thing where he has to smell a certain way for me to feel like I am going to have to compete with a whole bunch of other girls for his attention.

I have this thing where I worry that if I look him in the eye for any period of time, he'll read my mind.

I have this thing where I have to go see the Christmas Village, but I can't go unless there's someone there to hold my hand, keep me warm, and enjoy it with me.

I have this thing where if I read Terry Pratchett, I think like Death.

There are countless more of these "I have this thing" sayings, but I think I'll stop here for the night.  It doesn't seem right for me to continue on, because some of the things that I think that start with that phrase are really strange, and I don't want you all to think that I'm insane and/or paranoid.

*I just tagged his name, because if he reads this he's going to remember that conversation and know it's him I'm talking about there anyway.

Pain... It Makes Me Sleepy

Writing a letter to the First Presidency of the Church about why you should be granted a temple divorce is one of the worst things I've ever had to do.  It makes you relive why you left, and it generally brings a miserable feeling.  I hope no one I know ever has to do this.

After feeling considerably miserable (partly from the amount of pain I've been in from my fibromyalgia, but mostly from reliving my personal hell), it was time to go to Missionary Council.  Needless to say, I was considering not going.  However, I decided that it was necessary.  Ryan Taylor gave a spiritual thought about living in the world but not being of the world.  It was good, and by the end of the night, I was feeling quite better.

Then, when I got home, ate dinner, munched on snacks, and watched the Jazz win, I was back to being my happy self.  I think I might end the night off with some Red Dwarf.  I have to go shopping* tomorrow, so I'd better get myself some sleep before too long.

*Although I don't love shopping, I love driving to get to the shops.  Sometimes I just sit in the parking lot to finish listening to songs on the radio.  Also, I sometimes take longer routes to places so I can listen to my music a bit longer.  Music is my one major coping mechanism, up to the point that if there isn't any good music on, I'm annoyed at everything and everyone for the day.

Over The Edge

I walked into my room this evening, sat down at the computer, and thought, my room smells like black licorice.  Why does it smell like black licorice?  I HATE black licorice.  So, I took out my wallflower, which obviously wasn't destroying the awful smell, lit a match, and then lit my root beer candle.  The smoke from the match smells better than the black licorice smell.  I'm just now starting to smell root beer.  It is times like these, however, that I wish I had my cherry lime ricky candle at home instead of in my condo at BYU.

I'm almost certain that the black licorice scent has added to my vindictive mood tonight.  There's only a couple people that I'm feeling vindictive towards, and when this sneaky hate spiral comes along, it just takes one little thing, like the smell of black licorice in my room, to tip me over the edge.  Actually, though, the one person I thought I was going to be upset at the most for completely forgetting we had a date (or some variation thereupon), I couldn't even be mad at.  For the first time in a couple weeks, I feel good and normal around Ryan.  After realizing that I was the Martha Jones of the situation, I've been pretty okay with whatever comes my way concerning him.

However, I'm pretty sure that there is still some leftover burning annoyance at my ex-husband, who literally begged me to come back to him (he won't tell you that's what happened, but that's how it went down).  Really, I'm okay with helping the guy out when there's no one else to do so, but please, give me a break!  Those couple of weeks last month really tested my patience.  I found out that I am very capable of holding my tongue when it comes to what I actually want to say versus what is proper and polite to say to a person, even when that person is your ex-husband that did you so much wrong he doesn't deserve the courtesy.

I think there's such a thing as being too good of a person.  Sometimes I think that I am that kind of person.  Not always, but sometimes.  I tend to find that when I think that, I get in this kind of vindictive, spiteful mood.  So, if you're not that well acquainted with me and find me in one of these moods, please just be cautious.  Even though I'm generally good with holding back my annoyance at people and life, sometimes it comes out (when I'm a good girl, it usually only comes out in the form of a journal entry or blog post, such as this).

When My Dad Has His IPhone...

Pictures will be taken.  Labor Day weekend was no exception.  He always brings his IPhone along when we go four wheeling, even though he doesn't get service anywhere we go.  When we stop at random places in the wilderness, he whips out that phone and takes pictures!  Actually, they're pretty good quality pictures.  I finally got some of these pictures after I fixed my email in my Dad's phone so he could actually send them to me.

My mom wasn't overly thrilled about pictures.  She was tired from how long we'd been riding.

Ryan looks pretty awesome.  That's mainly because he just can't look terrible.  He's a fashion statement even when completely covered in dirt.

I was happy to be four wheeling, but I don't look so cool.  I do look terrible covered in dirt.

My brother was the smartest of us all, because he kept his helmet on, and it hid how dirty his face was.

And if it weren't for my Dad always carrying that phone of his around during odd times, we would never have any pictures like this to show.  I guess we should be grateful that he finally caught up with the technology of the times, and is capable of using it!

The More Tired I Get...

Last night we had a party at my house.  It was probably about ten thirty when I started talking to Jen Weston and Nick Taylor.  By then I was tired enough not to care so much about what I told people.  The problem with this is that I say what I think, minus a few key points, which are remembered at a later time, and then I kick myself because whoever I speak to doesn't know those few key points, which changes my comments drastically, often making me look like a jerk.

For instance, I recall saying to Nick and Jen that all the guys I've dated were "stupid."  I didn't say, "excluding your brother, Nick" or "stupid in that they didn't treat me right, not that they were per-say unintelligent."  I recall saying that I got flowers on my car with a note on monday and I thought it might be his brother that left them, but I didn't say that I didn't know if it was or not.  I didn't say that I don't guess at those things, but that several people believed it was something Ryan would do for me.

The latter of the two received comment from Ryan last night.  I quote from a text, "Agreed.  However there is one thing I feel I should clarify.  Nick said you told him somebody left you flowers and a nice note on your car on monday and that you thought I had done it.  Though I would love to take credit for being that thoughtful and that it sounds like something I would do I have to admit that it wasn't me.  Whoever did it is awesome but it wasn't I who did it.  I couldn't take the credit for someone else's gesture, so sorry to tell ya but you'll have to keep wondering who it was.  They're a good friend whoever they are."

So, what do I do?  I reply with "Well, to add onto what I actually told Nick, I don't guess at those things, and had previously ruled you out because your handwriting, though similar, isn't an exact match.  Carianne persuaded me otherwise because you had written something similar on her car once.  She had a pretty good argument for it.  Although it bothers me not to know, I think I appreciate the beauty of the gesture.  I think I'd better be careful what I tell your brother, too, or you may end up with a very large amount of information I'm not sure I want you to have yet, as my opinion of you isn't fully formulated yet."

Yes, I need to be careful what I tell Nick when it comes to his brother.  Does he think that what I said about the guys I've dated included his brother, or does Nick even know or consider out to dinner once a date?  Does he even remember me saying it?  Really, I need to work on what I say to people, no matter how tired I am.  My people skills have always been a bit lacking, so it isn't surprising that I make mistakes like this in social situations.  However, I think I can blame part of that from last night on watching too much Bones before the party.  It is the equivalent of talking to Kestin for a few hours before going to a party (yes, I've done that too, which then leaves me on an anthropology kick that I can't get off of).  When I am around my favorite people, I tend to alienate the masses.

On the bright side.  The party was fun, and a lot of people came.  More people than I thought: a lot more.  I was glad that I had help from Savannah and Ryan to get things ready for the party, or I wouldn't have pulled it off.  Pie, a movie, and conversation made for a fun night.  Not bad for the first party I've ever held at my house.

Big Sister Antics

I have just discovered the difficulty of trying to talk your little brother through a computer problem over the phone.  He called to find out how to get a header or footer on text edit on a macintosh.  I explained that he could only do that in the program Pages on a macintosh.  Soon he was swearing over the phone and upset that I couldn't help him fix his problem.  Sometimes he makes problems bigger than they should be.

He went on to tell me that he was going to fail his class now, blah blah blah, and how he wasn't going to be able to do everything he had planned.  I calmly told him that if he took his computer to the bookstore or library that someone could probably fix his problem for him, since I couldn't direct him on how to do it over the phone.  I also suggested that he look through all the software he was given to see if he just forgot to load Pages, as he insisted that everything he needed was on his computer already.  After all this he finished his upsetting rant and said goodbye.

In the meantime I texted Ryan to see if he knew where Dylan could go on the University of Utah's campus to get computer help, since I seemed to sound silly to Dylan with my suggestions.  It made me feel like a good sister to be trying to help out my little brother in need.  Ryan couldn't think of any places off of the top of his head, though, so I figured that I'd be down in SLC in the morning trying to fix little brother's computer.

About five minutes later Dylan called me back and let me know that he needed to buy Iworks to get the program he needed.  He never had the software to begin with.  That is just like Dylan.  Sometimes being a big sister can be tough, but in the end it always feels good to know that someone loves and trusts you enough to come to you with their problems.

Play One Day, Sick The Next

I woke up this morning with the flu.  I've never experienced pain quite like it.  It felt like every rib in my chest had been broken, and I wished that I didn't have to breathe.    I'm glad it's over now.  Hopefully that's the worst case of the flu I'll get this year. 

However, yesterday was great.  It all started with the movie Lagaan at that ended at three in the morning.  Carianne Hirano brought it up to show us.  We had to watch it with subtitles, because it was a Bollywood movie, all in Hindi.  The movie was over three hours long, but it was fun to watch.  I tell you, trying to understand a game of Cricket that early in the morning wears your brain out when it is the first game of Cricket you've ever watched.

After a few hours of sleep, everyone got up for breakfast and then got ready and went out on the boat.  Savannah Combe wakeboarded first, and then Ryan Taylor went out and learned to kneeboard.  Then Carianne learned to kneeboard and then tried to learn to wakeboard.  Finally, I decided to get into the water to wakeboard.  The water was really rather cold for this time of year, but I acclimated to it after awhile.  I only wakeboarded a couple of times.  Ryan got seasick, because the boat had been stopped for so long and the waves were rocking the boat.  Carianne and I went tubing, and then Ryan and Savannah went.  Ryan felt much better once he got into the water. 

When we got off the boat and went up to the cabin, my mom's coworker Erin was there with her kids.  We got a veggie tray ready and some chips and salsa to eat before we went out on the waverunners and boat.  The water was rough when we got the waverunners into the water, and since one of our waverunners was not functioning correctly, Ryan and I ended up on the yellow two person boat in the choppy water.  This would have been fine, but it tips over really easy in the rough water with one person, let alone two, and it is hard to get back on when you are in the deep water.  Carianne and Savannah were on the four person "tuna boat" and so the ride was a lot smoother for them.  I guess I didn't tell them that they should stay close, and they went all the way to Cisco beach in the chop, and we followed them to flag them down.  It took that long to do so.  That's several miles in the choppy water on a machine that flies out of the water when it hits a wave of a large size. 

Ryan drove the waverunner on the way there and part way back.  When he stopped a wave caught the boat in the wrong way and we fell off.  It was a good thing that Savannah and Carianne were behind us at that point, because Ryan couldn't get back on our boat.  He kept falling off.  I jumped off and swam to him to get the lanyard to hook on the boat so I could drive by Carianne and Savannah's waverunner and let Ryan jump on the back of mine.  By this point the ride wasn't as fun as it was on the way out, because the wind was picking up and it took a lot of strength to stay on the boat.  This could also have something to do with the fact that I was driving and it took a lot more effort to stay on the boat.  Needless to say, we're both sore today.

We came in and switched waverunners, which was nice for Ryan and I, because then we were able to enjoy ourselves in the chop without exerting the last of our energy.  Then we came in and helped finish getting dinner ready.  We ate pork loin, corn, and dutch oven potatoes.  Awhile later we went on a bike ride.  My family has two beach cruisers and a tandum bike.  Savannah has a bucket list, and on that list was to ride a tandum bike.  She was able to cross that off her list.  Ryan and I rode it back to find out that the tires were running low. 

When Savannah and Carianne left, Ryan and I went back out for a last run on the waverunners.  The water had calmed down, and we had some fun before the sun went down.  Then we cleaned up and got raspberry shakes at Hometown Drive In.  It was nice to talk to Ryan, although I often feel that I do all the talking.  I feel like I pry when I ask questions, so I rarely ask them.  So, after we got back we got ready for bed and watched Merlin (well, in between sleeping) and then I let Dylan switch me spots and sleep on the airbed and went into a room to sleep. 

Then this morning the first paragraph of this post happened.  Ryan and my dad went home to go to church; they're coming back this evening.  Tomorrow, if my luck keeps turning for the better, I'll be able to go four wheeling with everyone.

The Unexpected Great Day

My roommate had boys over this morning at one.  Yes, one in the morning; I don't call anything after noonday morning.  Instead of going downstairs and ask what she thought she was doing (in much more inappropriate terms) I turned on a cd and went to sleep by drowning out the laughing, screaming, and shouting.  So, when I woke up again to my cell phone, it was ten o'clock.  I slept through my alarm.  My mom called me to see if I was coming home so we could go to lunch.  I hadn't been planning on it, because my brother and I are going to The Lion King thursday, so I thought that I would go to that and come home after the show.

However, I decided that I needed to help my mom with the grocery shopping for Bear Lake, and that required my going back up to Ogden.  It was worth it: Chinese food, choosing yummy food to eat over Labor Day, and a surprising visit from Ryan Taylor.  I guess he's been introducing my mom to that Xango stuff: he sells it.  Anyways, after that he and I went and visited a bunch of people in the Plain City 6th ward for the missionary council.  I was able to enjoy myself and not count how many times I used certain words in the conversation.  In other words, I was able to be a normal human being!  Which is nice, since when I talk to people I can rarely be that (yes, if I have known you for less than a year, I probably count how many times I use certain words, because it worries me that I sound repetitive in my speech).

We stopped at his house to get a brochure of some sort for my mom on a Xango product, and then headed back to my house for BLTs and sprite.  Really, I probably kept him longer than I should have at my house showing off my brother's senior year musical, The Wedding Singer, but I enjoyed it.  Hopefully he did.

Willard Bay Trip Pictures

Three...

This is the third day in a row that has been fantastic.  Last night I texted a few people to see if they wanted to come boating at Willard Bay with Savannah Combe, Megan Moulding, my mom, and me.  Carianne Hirano had to work, or she would have come, and I didn't get a text back from anyone else, so I figured it was just going to be the four of us.  I was excited anyways, because sometimes it isn't as fun with big groups.

In the morning my mom and I got up and went to Smith and Edwards for some candy, two life jackets, and a tow rope.  When I got back my mom got a call on her cell phone from Ryan Taylor for me.  He had tried to call me on my cell phone, but I didn't have it on me; it was charging in my room.  He wanted to know what time we were headed out to go boating, because he wanted to come.  After I got off the phone with him I had to call him back because I forgot to tell him that his brother, Nick, could come too, if he wanted.  Meanwhile, I got a text from Megan saying she was going to be at Weber State University most of the day and wasn't going to be able to come.

Everything was okay, though, because Ryan and Nick were coming, which made up for the missing person plus one.  My mom and I were going to make sandwiches with the jalepeno cheddar bread and honey smoked turkey I bought on monday, but my dad had eaten all but one piece of the turkey, so we went to subway and got three footlong subs to take along with us for lunch.  We got back and started packing everything, and finished just in time; Savannah showed up and then Ryan and Nick.  We put things on the boat that we needed, and then after my mom found the truck keys that she lost and I locked up the house, we were off to the Bay.

When we got out on the Bay, Savannah and I started off the fun on the tube.  We had a couple of good biffs and had a lot of fun, ending the ride with jumping off the tube.  Then Nick and Savannah went.  Savannah is very exuberant, so it is always an adventure to ride the tube with her.  When Ryan, my mom, and I were talking about it, I looked up and said, "You know, I can't tell if Nick is enjoying himself with Savannah, or bearing it."  Right then Nick had a strange look on his face and waved at Ryan followed by Savannah slapping Nick on the back.  We laughed hard.  It couldn't have been more perfect timing.

I think after all this we ate lunch.  Ryan had brought not fully ripe plums with him.  They were amazingly good.  I couldn't imagine eating them any other way.  Also, I found out that Ryan loves one of my favorite candies: Nerd Ropes!  He joked that he was just like a Nerd Rope---sour on the outside and sweet on the inside.  It made me smile.

Next I went kneeboarding.  It was my first time of the year, and so I didn't go as long as usual.  However, it was fun swerving in and out of the wake and trying to turn a 360.  I only got as far as a 180 before I turned back the way I had come.  After I got off Ryan and Lisa (my mom), and I went swimming for awhile, which ended when we talked Ryan into riding the tube.  His hand got cut up pretty bad on the job while he was in Virginia, so he didn't know if riding the tube would rip the cut back open or not.  It didn't rip open, though, while he and I rode the tube.  We both fell off once, and then I just fell off all of the other times.  The last time I fell off, Nick and Savannah tried to pull me up on the bow of the boat from the water so that we could just go with Ryan on the back in hopes to throw him off the tube.  I couldn't get up.  I still believe that had a lot to do with my life jacket.

So, after those shenanigans Nick and Savannah rode again.  This time I mainly just rode in the bow with my eyes closed, with Ryan at the back of the boat doing the same thing.  When they were done tubing we went back into the marina.  Altogether, we probably boated for about four and a half hours.  We went between talking and singing the songs on the radio on the way home.

Throughout the entire trip Savannah was convinced that Ryan was trying to kill her, and said he had tried four times.  I did see him successfully push her off the boat into the water once.  So, mainly she talked to Nick and tried to avoid Ryan.  That made me laugh, because she kept trying to bring me into the middle of it by unknowingly insulting him.  I caught on quickly.

Even though the day isn't all the way over, and I did promise Savannah that I'd go to swing dancing with her, I know that the day is going to end well.  Once again, I am amazed at how well this week has gone. So, if the rest of the week doesn't go as well as the last three days, I won't complain, because if some mediocre or bad days are the price of three amazing ones, I'm willing to pay it.

One...Two...

The last two days have been busy, but great.  Monday morning I went grocery shopping and did laundry, and then went to Lagoon with Leticia Cromar.  We only went for six hours, but we did things I had either never done at Lagoon, or hadn't done in a long time.  One of those things was watching a show in the Carousel Plaza.  It was The American Jukebox, and it was really fun.  I didn't realize how talented those people were that worked at Lagoon.

Today was filled with errands.  I took my cat to the vet to get his rabies shot and to see why he wasn't eating very much and was puking so often, and found out that he just needs a little medicine and everything will be fine: which was a relief.  Then I went to Provo to get the key to my apartment so I can move in next week.  I must say, I'm excited.  I get my own master bedroom upstairs, and the place looks really nice.  It was just re-carpeted and has a hardwood floor in the living room.  I'll also have two closets for clothes and storage.  I ran into a girl I'll be sharing the apartment with, but I don't remember her name.  Really, I need to work on making a point to remember names.

Then I went up onto campus.  It was Education Week.  Somehow I'd managed to forget that.  So, instead of getting lunch, I grabbed an apple juice and wandered around in the BYU bookstore.  I did buy a green fine tip sharpie; if I'd have walked out of there without buying something it would have made me feel awkward, since I'd spent so much time in there. 

After that, I got the grand idea that I'd find Helaman Halls and go say hi to Megan Nield, who I knew was a Conference Assistant for the summer and working there.  I wandered, and ended up at Heritage Halls.  A nice girl told me where to go while walking to her job in the ASB.  So, I wandered for ten more minutes and ended up at the Cannon Center.  There, I slowly wandered over to where it said something like Education Week Registration.  I figured I'd head that way, because it seemed like something that Megan's job would require her to do.  Instead of finding Megan, I found a guy in a green shirt.  His name is Blake Fisher, and I read his blog.  My first sentences spoken to him were, "I know you. You don't know me, but I know you.  I read your blog."  He smiled and told me that he often feels embarrassed by what he puts on his blog, but he'd rather have people reading it than write in a journal where he knows no one will read his story.  Blake has a good smile; if I were better at reading people, I might go as far to say as I embarrassed him a little by bringing up his blog.  Still, good smile either way.  We talked for a minute or so, and then he had to get back to work.  Neither of us knew where Megan was, so I left.  

I drove home without event after that, and went to cooking dinner.  I have been craving chinese food for a long while now, and so having stir fry for dinner was perfect.  Then I went to Missionary Council.  We split up into groups, and Ryan Taylor and I got to go out visiting together.  Our luck was terrible.  The people we caught were married already, so we couldn't really invite them out to the YSA ward for church, and nobody else we could have invited was home.  Still, I didn't mind so much, because I was with someone I like to be around.  Also, it was nice to have my car door opened for me every time I went to get in it.  I'm really going to miss that.  

When I got home Megan Moulding and I had strawberry banana orange juice smoothies and watched an episode of Bones.  It's always nice to end the day with your best friend and your favorite television series.  So, even though days can be busy and full of wasteful driving time, they can still be great.  If every day were like today, I would be perfectly content with life.

I Did IT!!!!

The IT in this post deserves capitalization, because I never thought I'd ever have the courage to ask the guy I like out on a date.  Laying here writing this, I still feel butterflies, which makes me excited, but also frustrated.  We went to the play They're Playing Our Song together tonight.  I asked him last minute, and he said yes.  He told me that I could ask him to come with me whenever I wanted, and to not be afraid to ask.  Good sign?

He smells so good.  Maybe next time I'll get the courage to ask him why his brother looks at me like he knows something about me that I don't know about myself, and then maybe, just maybe, with time, I'll let him know why I have a problem when it comes to Ashley.  I mentioned it tonight before he left when he told me not to let my friend make me afraid to ask him out; I just sort of blurted it and then he looked at me somewhat confused because I told him that it wasn't my friend that made me afraid to ask him out, it was her.

I enjoyed the play much more just because I could hear him laugh, and see that he was happy and enjoying himself.  I came home all smiles, and I know that it was ridiculously noticeable how happy I was, but I didn't care.  After nearly forgetting what being happy felt like, I think he is the key to helping me remember.

YSA Memories

The whole reason I am up here at Bear Lake this weekend is for the Young Single Adult activity.  My dad is the bishop of one of the YSA wards in the Ogden second stake, and so the big activity that was planned was for up at our cabin, for the third year running.  Really, since I've only been up one other time, it really doesn't bother me. 

A couple of years ago, when I was 18, I went to this activity, not that I really had any choice, as my dad was the president of the branch, and I was needed to help out.  When I was there, there was this guy that I hung out with out on the water; I really miss that guy this year.  He was working and cut his hand open on the job, and it was a bad enough wound that it needed stitches.  It still isn't healed, so he didn't come, as he couldn't do anything.  I understand that, and I am fine with him not coming, especially since he took the alternative of going hiking with his family over the weekend.

Still, I remember the way he would go out of his way to help me, and how I would catch him looking at me.  We rode the water wienie with three other people, and we took the back two seats.  Essentially, we controlled that water wienie.  If we wanted everyone off of that thing, we could make it happen.  One time we did just that, falling off before everyone else and yanking the water wienie just enough that we watched them all fall off in slow motion.  I distinctly remember us turning to one another and giving a hi-five with grins on our faces. 

This year, I went on the water wienie, sat in the same spot, with a different guy behind me, and it was fun, but it wasn't the same.  The guy, Brent Jenkins, is ridiculously strong.  He had fallen off the back of that water wienie, and was just holding on with his hands, and managed to pull himself back up through the waves onto the back of the water wienie while the boat was still pulling the water wienie!  I was really amazed.  I kept calling him Blake, though, which is his brother's name, I think.  It made me feel kind of bad, but hey, they do look a lot alike.  Either way, I couldn't bring myself to stop secretly pining for my friend. 

In retrospect of the whole event those couple years ago, I wonder if he was doing all that because he wanted to date me, or found me attractive, at least.  It's nice to think so.  Also, since this guy is still single, I wonder if he will give me a chance, or if we missed our moment that summer.  There have to be more possible moments, right?  I would like to think so.

HAAY....