Something You Should Know

So many people that want so much of my time.

I'm not an extrovert.
I'm an introvert.

I know that I can be smiley and talkative and interactive at dances, but that doesn't mean I'm extroverted. Quite the contrary: if I want human interaction, I go and find it. If I don't, well, quit contacting me every day!

I realize that most of you who read this already know this about me, but on the off chance someone who tries to contact me every day after seeing me at dance, please stop!

No, I'm not upset.
No, I'm not losing it.
No, something isn't wrong.

I'm simply me.

This means that I want to spend large amounts of my time alone, not contacting anyone.

In other words, this means I want to get some work done and do my own thing.

I'll contact you if there's something to talk about.

Not that this means that I don't enjoy it when someone randomly calls me up (like Kestin does [onsecondthoughtheonlydoesthataboutonceeverysixmonthssothismaynotcount]) or texts me. It simply means that I am not one of those people who craves human contact all the time.

Especially not when I've got a lot of creative things to do.

And when people keep asking me, "Are you okay? What's wrong? You seem, cross, what's up?" it gets on my nerves.

So yes, I'm annoyed, but not for the reason you think. I'm annoyed because you keep asking me if I am. If I tell you I'm fine, I mean it, okay???!!!!

I make a point not to say things I don't mean.

I hope this clears things up for those of you who want to spend time with me. You may think it's a small amount of time because you are so accustomed to hanging out with people and talking to people you care about multiple times a week. I am not accustomed to that much contact, and I have no desire to become accustomed to this.

I appreciate your understanding.

Rant over.

One Person

I've had a really huge range of emotions that I've swung back and forth through this past week. I think it has a lot to do with me brooding over not being able to get a date. And I'm not talking about a serious "I really like you and want you to be my boyfriend" type of date. I'm just talking about going out with a guy as friends.

I realize that I shouldn't be upset over it, and I get over it and get really happy. And then I think how fun it would be if I had a guy friend that wanted to go dancing with me on Thursday nights, and I get upset again. What is so wrong with me that I can't even have a guy go out with me as a friend to have fun?

I've asked myself that a lot lately.

For awhile I thought it was because I just didn't make myself available to do things, so I made myself more available. Then when nothing happened I thought it was because I wasn't outgoing enough, so I tried to be more outgoing. And then when nothing happened I thought that I just needed to ask guys to do stuff with me every now and then, so I did. And every guy tells me no. Something must be seriously wrong with me; that's my next thought.

It really comes down to finding one person that wants to go do things with me. And I really hate that it is one person that can make a difference for better or for worse. My friend James posted this on his facebook, and I thought it seemed appropriate.

Hmph

Whenever I tell a couple that I'm happy for them when they get into a relationship, engaged, or married, I feel a twinge of guilt somewhere in the back of my mind because I know I'm not being completely honest with them.  A part of me is extremely jealous.

When I take the time to examine this part of my thought process, I feel extremely upset about it, because by being jealous, that means I'm rooting for the relationship to fail simply because I don't have one.  What right do I have to deny another person happiness, especially if I'm friends with that person?

I've asked myself that a lot lately.

Not to say that I don't really, truly mean it when I tell a couple I'm happy they're engaged.  I was truly happy to hear my friend Kim Welch was engaged to Victor Doroghian.  And I was really happy when my friend Jen Weston got married to Nick Taylor.

Still, the more likely response is a smile and a "I'm so happy for you!" But in reality I'm thinking, that makes me so depressed.  Go be blissfully happy somewhere not around me.  When someone has lost in love, I'm much better able to deal with that.  I can handle sad people.  Not that I want people to lose in love all the time, but I don't really like to see other people succeeding in love when I can't get a date to save my life.

Most of the time it really doesn't matter to me that no guys want to date me, but surges of new relationships, engagements, and marriages throw me into a broody mood.

And I thought I'd share that broody mood with everyone today, because I felt like it needed to be said, or I was going to go insane.

Short Rant, but a True One

My teacher gets everyone else back their drafts for fine-tuning, and I'm left waiting, so I think he's accepted my draft as a final draft.  I get an email at 9:25 tonight from him, telling me that he'll give me back my draft tomorrow at the final so I can fine tune it and hand in a final paper, but after I get it I still have to have it in the same day.  Sure, he probably had legitimate excuses, at least I can't refute the ones he gave me, but if I were to give the same excuses I'd just fail the class.  I think that the rules that apply to students should also apply to teachers.  I think that's first class jerkiness, to give everyone else help before the due date, and make me work doubly hard just to get my essay in on time because he didn't feel like editing it until it was too late to give it back to me.  And, now I know that I am going to have troubles with my final, because it was based on a draft, not my final paper.  Yup.  Fuming right now.  Don't get in my way.  I'm on a rampage.

Here We Go

Ugh.  Today hasn't been so great.  Not that it has been bad in the sense that my life is going to fall apart, but it is one of those days when you realize that some work you thought was decent is completely inadequate, and it is too late to change it, so you're just going to have to suffer through it.  My teacher for my Advanced Writing class completely rips apart our papers, which is good, because then I can try to fix my writing, but it is also bad because I am going to get a grade in that class which will lower my GPA.  I can feel it in my bones.  You know that feeling?  Where you know nothing you will ever do will be good enough to receive even a B+?  

My teacher for the class that I'm talking about told the class that he knew a guy that was a terrible writer, but could teach everyone else to write well.  I feel like that is me.  I know what makes up good writing.  I just can't do it.  My writing is a mess, and I know it.  And I know it is a mess because I really don't care enough to spend double digit hour time on each draft, especially when the paper isn't a final paper.

For the past few weeks, I've seriously thought about switching majors.  I'm good at linguistics, at least so far.  I've only ever been mediocre at English, especially because it requires a lot of writing.  Maybe I could do a linguistics major with an editing minor?  Or should I switch my major to a foreign language?  I also like science, but not enough to retake my calculus class or risk not understanding the mathematical part of the science.  There's definitely benefits to having an English major if I want to be an editor.  If I switch majors, that means more time in college.  More time that BYU doesn't allow.  There's a year limit for BYU students to graduate.  Another ugh.  

There's a guy in my 295 class, Dillon, that is also in my linguistics class, and he's also having a hard time with this 295 English teacher (Dillon's a senior, and so I don't feel like I'm unjustified in feeling this way about my teacher, if a guy that's never had a problem with his English teachers on this level, I can feel that way).  We both think our english teacher is good guy, but that he's a little too set in his ways.  I mean, come on, when a guy comes out and says he's never given an A to a student in 16 years, he's got to be a little too set in his ways.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that instead of going on to do homework this afternoon, I think I'm going to go mail my letter to Savannah Combe, go for a walk, and lay out in the sun (or on my bed, whichever sounds nicer when I get back) and spend the day reading a book I checked out from the library.  Oh, and I'll probably grab something yummy to eat as well.

The end.

Over The Edge

I walked into my room this evening, sat down at the computer, and thought, my room smells like black licorice.  Why does it smell like black licorice?  I HATE black licorice.  So, I took out my wallflower, which obviously wasn't destroying the awful smell, lit a match, and then lit my root beer candle.  The smoke from the match smells better than the black licorice smell.  I'm just now starting to smell root beer.  It is times like these, however, that I wish I had my cherry lime ricky candle at home instead of in my condo at BYU.

I'm almost certain that the black licorice scent has added to my vindictive mood tonight.  There's only a couple people that I'm feeling vindictive towards, and when this sneaky hate spiral comes along, it just takes one little thing, like the smell of black licorice in my room, to tip me over the edge.  Actually, though, the one person I thought I was going to be upset at the most for completely forgetting we had a date (or some variation thereupon), I couldn't even be mad at.  For the first time in a couple weeks, I feel good and normal around Ryan.  After realizing that I was the Martha Jones of the situation, I've been pretty okay with whatever comes my way concerning him.

However, I'm pretty sure that there is still some leftover burning annoyance at my ex-husband, who literally begged me to come back to him (he won't tell you that's what happened, but that's how it went down).  Really, I'm okay with helping the guy out when there's no one else to do so, but please, give me a break!  Those couple of weeks last month really tested my patience.  I found out that I am very capable of holding my tongue when it comes to what I actually want to say versus what is proper and polite to say to a person, even when that person is your ex-husband that did you so much wrong he doesn't deserve the courtesy.

I think there's such a thing as being too good of a person.  Sometimes I think that I am that kind of person.  Not always, but sometimes.  I tend to find that when I think that, I get in this kind of vindictive, spiteful mood.  So, if you're not that well acquainted with me and find me in one of these moods, please just be cautious.  Even though I'm generally good with holding back my annoyance at people and life, sometimes it comes out (when I'm a good girl, it usually only comes out in the form of a journal entry or blog post, such as this).

Overweight and in Good Shape

So, lately I have had a large number of people comment on my weight and how I need to get back into shape. It has gotten to the point where I have gone off the deep end in anger. My medications I take to keep me from being in extreme pain and that take care of my depression and panic disorder make me gain weight, and no matter how much I exercise or watch what I eat I don't lose weight, I gain it. Hence why I am twenty-five pounds heavier than when most of you saw me last. It isn't very intelligent to assume that because someone is a little bit heavier that they are out of shape.

Here are my overall fitness test results from today:

1. Body Composition-Results

BMI: 25

Rating: Marginally Overweight

2. Cardiovascular Fitness-Results*

1.5 Mile Time: 20:30 min:sec

Estimated VO2 Max: 37.588

Rating: Good Fitness Zone

3: Muscle Fitness-Results

Rating: High Performance Zone

4: Flexibility Fitness-Results

Rating: Good Fitness Zone

*Keep in mind that this time is better than it was when I weighed 115 pounds, and that my doctor said that I may never be able to run well again because of my leg surgery. Also, all of these tests were taken when I was going through withdrawals from my depression/panic disorder medication.

As I am going through withdrawals from my depression/panic disorder medication, you can expect me to be in somewhat more pain than usual and quite a bit less tolerant of people and their ignorant comments. Oh, and if I'm able to get these kinds of results while I am trying not to throw up or fall on my face from nausea and pain, then how do you think it makes me feel when people are ignorant enough to tell me I'm out of shape when I'm feeling well? Sure, I'm not in the best shape of my life, but I'm definitely better off than I was when I was underweight. So, for all you guys who think that the only thing that matters in a woman is her body, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. No girl wants to date a shallow guy that only wants you for your looks. A woman needs a companion that lifts her up and loves her no matter what she looks like through her life.