On the Weekend

I'm home for at least the next two days, and I can't wait for the weather to get warm again. I'm really worried that my seeds I planted last week won't sprout because of the cold, wet weather. But hey, I'm going to the Revenge of the Nerds 2nd Annual Dance, and that should be fun. I'm hoping to try out my dance moves I learned in Dance 180. Cha cha and foxtrot I have down, and I'm working on waltz. I currently know six steps for the waltz on the bronze level. I wish I could say that I knew more than just the bronze level, but oh well. Everyone has to start somewhere, right? I think I'll just keep on going with ballroom classes, and hopefully I'll know a bunch of different dances all at the silver level. I don't know that I'll be around BYU long enough to get to the gold level of dance. Still, this ballroom dance class is one of the funnest classes I've ever taken at school.

And the starts I planted last week and put on the heating mat sprouted right up. I'm going to transplant them into peat pots tomorrow, most likely. We'll see how things go. With any luck, my mom will have a few nice cucumber plants to put in the garden over Memorial Day weekend. Now we just have to keep singing "Rain rain go away and don't come back for a month" and hope that our wishes come true.

Maybe I'll have pictures to post later, but don't count on it. I didn't bring my camera home today. Everyone hope that someone posts pictures of the dance on Facebook. And another problem, I don't have any nerdy attire. Still, I'll go anyway and have some fun. Who knows, I might find the love of my life there! Hahaha, like that's very likely. But still, company, friends, dancing and fun.

And another cool thing: I typed this entire thing on my Dad's IPad.

Valentines Musings

Do you remember what someone says in response to something you've said?  Do they remember what you said to elicit that response?  Sometimes I feel like I should go hide in a cave for a couple decades when I think about that.  What you say and do defines you, and often what you say betrays what you really think or are going to do.  Occasionally I reflect upon this, and think it a miracle that anyone at all likes me.  I think that the only reason I have most of my friends is because I don't say what I think.  However, I still get to hear what I think, and I believe that is what always makes me surprised that people like me.

I let one of those secret thoughts out today on my way home from church with my roommate Ashley, a girl (no clue who she was) that just got engaged, and Annalee, a girl who is on the music council with Ashley and me and is going on a mission soon.  We were all talking about guys and marriage and whatnot (unsurprisingly, that is a large topic around here).  Ashley and Annalee were saying that they feared they would never get married; that marriage was a faint star in the distance that they felt they would never reach, or if they did, it would be late in life.  In a moment of cynicism, and forgetting that I wasn't alone, I said, "I've been to that star, passed it, and am through with it.  I don't know that I ever want to get married again.  Marriage didn't treat me well the first time I entered into it.  Why would I go in a second time?"

Ashley looked at me, skepticism and slight horror in her eyes, and said, "Chelsea, you can't let that experience be your judge for every guy you date.  You can't assume that all guys are the same."

At that point, I realized that I shouldn't have said anything, because I hadn't set up my huge basis for my belief system.  I tried to recover, saying, "Yeah, I know that's true, but I'm at that stage of moving on with life where I'm just not sure of what I want.  I like going out on a date occasionally.  It's fun, but I don't want to consider marriage again for awhile."  The statement pretty much ended the subject.

Of course, I have been wondering for the past several hours what all those girls think of me, but especially my roommate, since she's the one that rebutted my statement.  And then I think, I just revealed a large part of my character in a thoughtless speech.  ANYONE could tell that my response to Ashley's rebuttal was just a quick way out of an awkward situation.  And, I have to live with the person that looked at me like I was possessed by a devil.  Now I remember why I never say what I think.  Memo to me, never do it again.


I am cynical.  I remember what people say, and I watch them.  From my observations, I've concluded that people are shallow and selfish.  There's always an ulterior motive for someone doing something nice for another person.  Don't ever let someone tell you differently.  My thoughts of people have been based on this for a long time.  I was meanly fooled into believing differently by my now ex-husband, who also had his own set of ulterior motives for marrying me (obviously, I believe this based on my prior belief and because of the way the string of lies that was my marriage fell apart).  I am not going to let myself be fooled again.

Upon this base, my judgement of other people tends to be harsh, as is my judgement of myself.  Therefore, I do remember what people say, and listen to them contradict themselves over and over again as they flip flop from what they say to what they do.  Everyone does it.  I do it.  The difference is that I hate myself when I catch myself flip flopping.  And this is the type of musing I do when this time of year comes around.

The Whole Fam Damily

So, I am usually not one for socializing, and we all know that.  But, since I go to a university where the population is almost 100 percent LDS, the student body is required to be actively participating in things the church endorses.  One of these things is "family home evening."  The ward is split into small groups of "families" and two people in that group, a guy and a girl, are appointed "mom and dad" for the group.  Every Monday we meet at 7 PM to do something fun and have a spiritual thought.  The first time I was at BYU I never really went to these things, because I could get away with only showing up once in awhile.  This time, however, the family home evening "mom" is my roommate.  Busted.  I always have to go.

I have no clue what the spiritual thought for January 18th was.  I just remember going to Cabelas.  Our family split into groups and were given pieces of paper.  On my group's paper, we were told we were going bear hunting, and needed to go on a scavenger hunt to find the proper clothing, shelter, weapon, item of our choice, a bear, and a couple other things I don't remember.  We were rushed, because when we got to Cabelas it was fifteen minutes before closing time.  The pictures are what we came up with.

Sydney Neibaur and Coulter Neves

Thomas Cook

Camo hat on one side, hunter orange on the other.

Coulter, Thomas, and Sydney have found our bear trap!

And Coulter's got some guns just in case.

We're scouting out bears, supposedly.

And Syd's pretending to be one.

And Coulter's decided the best route to catching a bear is to feed it.

Shelter

The girls'll do some relaxing while the guys do the hunting.

And the guys'll spend some time fishing.

Our mode of transportation.

Pain... It Makes Me Sleepy

Writing a letter to the First Presidency of the Church about why you should be granted a temple divorce is one of the worst things I've ever had to do.  It makes you relive why you left, and it generally brings a miserable feeling.  I hope no one I know ever has to do this.

After feeling considerably miserable (partly from the amount of pain I've been in from my fibromyalgia, but mostly from reliving my personal hell), it was time to go to Missionary Council.  Needless to say, I was considering not going.  However, I decided that it was necessary.  Ryan Taylor gave a spiritual thought about living in the world but not being of the world.  It was good, and by the end of the night, I was feeling quite better.

Then, when I got home, ate dinner, munched on snacks, and watched the Jazz win, I was back to being my happy self.  I think I might end the night off with some Red Dwarf.  I have to go shopping* tomorrow, so I'd better get myself some sleep before too long.

*Although I don't love shopping, I love driving to get to the shops.  Sometimes I just sit in the parking lot to finish listening to songs on the radio.  Also, I sometimes take longer routes to places so I can listen to my music a bit longer.  Music is my one major coping mechanism, up to the point that if there isn't any good music on, I'm annoyed at everything and everyone for the day.

Goings on in a Bar

EDIT: Those of you who read this, just know that my Dad doesn't like that he did those things when he was younger.  So, if you run into my Dad and talk to him, please just don't mention it.  I would hate for people to make him feel bad because of me.

I was watching an episode of Monk with my Mom this morning.  Monk was in a bar, and a con man bet him that he could tell Monk where he got his shoes.  Monk, of course, feels confident that the con man cannot tell him this.  During this whole scene, my Mom was saying, "He's going to say, 'you got your shoes on your feet in this bar' and take Monk's money."  Sure enough, that's exactly what he said.

I must have had a curious, confused look on my face, because my Mom said, "I know that because when your Dad and I were in New Orleans that same thing happened to your Dad."

Laughing, I said, "Dad was an idiot."

My Mom smiled and said, "We were in a bar and he was drunk."

"Oh," I said, "That's okay then.  That redeems him of it."

Most of my friends come from LDS families that have been strong in the church for generations.  Me, I'm a little different.  My parents were both baptized into the church at age eight, but my Mom wasn't raised in the church, and my Dad didn't stay active in the church after high school.  They didn't come back into the church until I was about three years old.  That's why being part of my family has been both a blessing and a curse.  I was raised to accept everyone and not discriminate because of someone's past, but I was not well accepted by my ward (my whole family wasn't) and often treated poorly by my LDS peers because my Mom had not been raised LDS.  Actually, most people respect my Dad because he was born and raised here in Plain City, has a lot of friends here, and is now strong in the gospel.  For some reason my Mom hasn't been awarded that same respect.

Anyways, my point wasn't to rant about the people here, but to explain that I feel that many people are missing out on great stories because they haven't accepted my Mom for who she is.  I know what to do and not to do because of my parents and their fun stories.  Sure, they weren't always active in the church, but some of their best memories were from that time period.  I wouldn't trade my parents for the world.  Who else is going to tell me stories about the funny things that happened when they got drunk?

On Talks and Friends

I like to read what other people have to say.  As such, I sometimes follow the blogs of people that I don't know very well because I like to see what they have to say.  One of these blogs I read is called Fish Out Of Water, written by Blake Fisher.  I've only met him once, by accident, when I was looking for Megan Nield.  We talked for about two minutes, and then he went back to work and I went back home.  


Anyways, on his blog, he wrote about how making new friends is tough.  I really related to the ideas he presented.  I really felt that I needed to comment on the post.  I usually don't comment on serious posts unless I have something that I feel needs saying.  


This is what I said:
Emotional roller coasters, they just happen, and I think that goes in correlation with the friends roller coaster for me. One of my friends is leaving on a mission in a week and a half, and now that it has hit me that she's leaving, I am somewhat depressed. I realized she was the only real friend I had made since I got back to Utah, and that I'd let my other ones fade out, which means when she leaves I'll have to make an actual effort again. I begin to think, "Well, there's all those people that I go to parties with, but they always look at me like I'm crazy when I talk, and then ignore me. There's no one for me to pair off with in the groups, so I often am not invited, because no one wants to deal with me." 

I even expressed this to my mom today, and she just said, "I really do think you're a lot like Temperance Brennan from Bones, and that's why people don't know how to deal with you. Maybe if you stopped acting like her people would want to associate with you. Since you say you don't go off talking about your ex-husband or rant about other things in your life that aren't so great, then that is the only reasonable answer to your problem." That's the reason making new friends is hard, right there. It is hard because you have to find people who will accept you for you. You shouldn't have to change who you are to be accepted and loved.


The more I thought on that post he wrote, and what I said in return, I decided that I need to stop--stop trying to be something I'm not.  If I don't belong, then I need to find somewhere where I do belong.  When I went to stake conference this morning, the first speaker was one of the counselors in the stake presidency.  He was wearing a football jersey, and we all didn't know exactly how to take it (his white shirt and tie were under the jersey).  It was inevitable--he spoke on appearances and why they matter.  


In the area that I am currently living in (and probably in most other areas), it matters that I've been previously married.  Being me, I feel that potential friends should know that I'm divorced, because if they are sincere they will be my friends despite it.  However, the associations that come with the word divorced are not good ones.  It implies that something went terribly wrong, and so no one wants to ask if I was the problem.  Many assume that it had to have been me that did something, or that I'm a complete wreck and basket case.  So, they just say, "Oh," and move on.  Generally, after that, I'm ignored, and must start the process all over again (this situation is particularly true when it comes to dating).


By the end of the counselor's talk, I felt that I needed to get away: to move out of the area in my life of worrying about people judging me based off of my relationship status and how much money my dad makes.  I'm not going to be gold that makes itself look like brass to fit in.  One day I'm going to find some amazing people that will accept me for who I am.  I already know a few, but I expect to know more as time goes by.

You'd Better Believe It

These last few days have only been so-so, and then today just made me want to cry until I went to the Jazz Game.  I've been having lots of motivation issues when it comes to school, and I haven't been 100 percent in my physical health either.  I feel tired and look tired.  When, a few days ago, a guy who's blog I read asked for comments on our thoughts about women in the work field (LDS Church thing when it comes to having a family and working, and what is appropriate), I thought I'd submit my thoughts.  This is what I said.

I can't say I'm wholly indifferent on the topic, because having grown up in a family with parents that weren't always active in the church, I was raised a little differently. Growing up I was taught that I could do anything I wanted to do; this included having a family and a job. That's why, when I came to BYU and expressed my belief that I could do both, I was blown away and upset when my first religion professor told me I was a sinner and that I only had one choice: to give up my occupational dreams and raise a family, or I was going to hell. 

Since then I've heard many of my leaders express this same belief, and I won't lie, it hurts to hear that these men believe that women should give up all their dreams and "do as they're told" as soon as they get married. I've even been told that if I get married in college I should give up getting an education and start having kids. Having heard all this and taken it with a grain of salt, my belief in making decisions through prayer and study has been solidified. I firmly believe that I need to have a college education, and that God wants me to have all the knowledge I can acquire in this life. I believe that after I get that knowledge, if I'm not married, I can get a job and enjoy having a career until I get married and decide to start a family. Once that decision is made, I believe that a woman should talk with her spouse and pray about the decision that they've reached together for confirmation from the Lord that the decision is the right one.


After I wrote this I nearly forgot about it, so when I went back on his blog to read a different, post, I was surprised to find that someone had written this in response to my comment.  I have no clue who wrote it. The author left their name anonymous.


I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the person above is mildly exaggerating.

"going to hell"? "sinner"? Did the professor really use those words? Or did you choose to perceive it harshly because you were already sensitive to the issue? No prophet has ever said that women should "give up getting an education".

"It is so important that you young men and you young women get all of the education that you can." - Gordon B. Hinckley, Inspirational Thoughts

"In his day, President Brigham Young encouraged women to get an education. This is still good counsel..." - James E. Faust, What it Means to be a Daughter of God

These 2 quotes popped up after about 3 seconds of searching on lds.org. I feel confident there are many more.

If people really say that, be the bigger woman and don't let it affect you, knowing they are fundamentally wrong. If people really didn't say that... let's not fall into the abyss of drama.


This post just topped off my not-feeling-good day.  I hate when people don't believe me, and when people blindly accuse me of lying.  Whether they outright say that I'm a liar or not, their word choice and patronizing tone already confirms that they think I'm a liar.  So, just like that, I decided that I'd better clarify what I said.


Yes, I did actually have a teacher say that to me at BYU using those words. I wasn't exaggerating, and I didn't feel I was being dramatic. I know what the church leaders have said, and when I was speaking about my leaders I was speaking of my ward leaders telling me that I should give up my education when I get married to have a family, not the General Authorities. I know the ward leaders who have said such things to me are fundamentally wrong, but I can also see where their misconceptions come from. Anonymous, you may think that I am exaggerating, but if you came to live in Plain City where I do for a month you might just change your mind about what you said.

Furthermore, I don't believe you read my full comment, or you would see that I am being the bigger person by strengthening my faith in Christ and moving forward without grudge towards those people.


I feel that what I said was justified, and that I wasn't exaggerating or being dramatic.  Not only do I hate drama, but I hate to become dramatic in my speech.  Truly, I love Plain City, but many of the people within my home ward have been anything but kind to my family.  I don't ever expect most people to understand what it feels like to be blackballed by an entire community; in fact, I wouldn't want them to.  I just want people to believe me: trust that I'm an honest person.  When this anonymous person wrote that, it cut me to the core.  I wanted to cry just like I wanted to cry when the professor I spoke of called me a sinner for wanting to work and have a family.  If I hadn't have gone to the Jazz game with my father less than an hour later, I might have sat down and done just that.  


This all leads to the question, when did people become so uncivil, unforgiving, and accusatory?  We should expect people to give us the benefit of the doubt that we are honest until we give them reason to believe the contrary.  LDS people should be even more so like this.  Society has decided that it is okay to treat one another terribly.  Whenever you turn on the television and watch a reality show you can see it.  As Christians, we should be the first in line to denounce such behavior.  To me, this comment made by Anonymous was one of these unforgiving, uncivil, accusatory attacks on someone's honesty.  It not only hurts, but it strengthens my theory that Christianity is a good religion, but that people aren't good Christians.  


Yes, I've forgiven this person through my writing this post; I wouldn't want someone to think I'm holding a grudge towards an anonymous entity.  I can't help but believe that this person truly thought that they were helping me realize my faults and correct them, and I can't wrack my brains in anger for long enough to even be upset at that one individual.  What it makes me do is sorrow for the world and what it is becoming.  As we lose the ability to believe that people are upright and honest with one another, we lose the ability to be civil and kind to those around us.  We lose the heart of a happy community.

The More I See You

I sat in church today behind a friend of mine.  As I stared at the back of his head in hopes to be able to see through it to the pulpit, I thought on something that a girl I know said.  Once, on her blog, she spoke of her boyfriend stating that when he and his friends spoke of women, they spoke of them with reverence.  It got me thinking.  When it comes to relationships, love shouldn't be a giddy thing, it should be a thing of reverence.

This train of thought led me to consider a man I know, who I've been trying to define for some time now.  I've known him off and on for a few years, but never formed much of an opinion over the good-looking nice guy one.  That was, until I had a missionary friend of mine ask me to describe him.  It took me nearly two hours to write him a letter back, and most of that time was spent in deciding how I would describe this man.*

This man isn't afraid to share his beliefs with other people; he is bold in his actions, and is not ashamed to let others know what his morals are.  He doesn't skew the lines for one or two people; he is always upright and honest in his dealings with his fellowmen.  He sets his goals high, never taking his eyes off of what is most important in life.

Women should be treated with respect, and he goes above and beyond when he comes in contact with one.  Never is he impolite, even in his teasing.  Never is he undercut or cruel.  When he's out with a girl, he opens doors for her, and reprimands her when she doesn't wait for him to do so.  He teaches women that they are worth that extra effort and deserve that respect from men.

He is mindful of his actions around others, only speaking of things sacred or personal when in a one on one setting and the occasion is right.  He understands the importance of keeping up an appearance, and that one believes what a person says based on their actions.  Truly, integrity and charity make up the core of his moral system.  When he works, he gets the job done right the first time and in the most efficient manner he knows.  I never hear him complain about responsibilities he has taken on.  Work ethic like this shows true quality in a person: true potential.  That potential carries through when you see him studying for school.  He works hard in the summer so he doesn't have to hold a job through the winter; this enables him to focus fully on his scholarly pursuits. He isn't blinded and led away by the masses of people that don't believe in the importance of hard work to get an education.  Sometimes he may be too hard on himself, always striving for perfection, but he has a good family to let him know of his worth.

People say that you can tell a person's true character by the way they treat their family members, and you can truly tell what kind of guy this man is by the way he reverences his family.  He speaks sweetly about his mother, and honors his father.  He is kind (with brotherly teasing) to his youngest brother, and stays interested in all his siblings' lives.

He sees the good in people, but recognizes their weaknesses.  Although sometimes he is cynical in his ideas of growing as a person, he cares about the well-being of those people he criticizes.  As such he is ready to help out when asked.  I'm sure if you needed it he would listen to your life story and advise you on how to fix some things, even though he now understands the necessity of not making other people's problems his own.

When it comes to bridling his passions, he is a master at it.  Sure, he enjoys himself with a good friend of his every now again (stealing girls' car keys and hiding their cars, occasionally leaving messages on the windows of said cars), but he knows that such things done in moderation ensure long years of enjoyment.  He won't settle for anything less than what he wants, because he wants what is right.

He is never quick to anger.  In fact, I don't think I've ever seen him angry.  I've seen him hurt, upset, unsure, self accusing, and reflective, but never have I seen him angry.  He isn't mocking or rambunctious in his giddiness, and understands that not all times are for laughter and smiles.  There is a time for everything, and he understands that.

With light in his eyes and ambition in his voice, I hear him gladly talk about temple work and regular temple attendance, and I know he goes with no grudge to his God for the sacrifice of time.  The core of his religious beliefs is Christ, and truly one could call him a good Christian.  In all regards, this man is worthy of glory in my eyes, faults (few of which I can discover) and all.

I know most of this about him from a combined two to three months of observing him.  I'm sure that as I continue in my association with him I will find small flaws and faults, but the basis of this man that I see is surely only more amazing the more you get to know him.  As the great Frank Sinatra once sang, "The more I see you..."**

*I wish I would have kept a copy of that letter, because it was the basis of what I've founded this description on.
** The Frank Sinatra version of this song is actually very difficult to find.  The song was first sung by Nat King Cole, and then redone by many artists, including Michael Buble, to speak of recent artists.

The Sweetest Thing

Yesterday was particularly uplifting.  The night before I had gone to a movie night, and even though it was fun, I left in a somewhat terrible mood.  I was upset, and I couldn't figure out why.  In the morning I didn't even make a point to get out of bed before ten, which is a particularly daunting thing when looked at closely (I haven't been in that bad of a mood in weeks).  Sunday, however, was just what I needed.  The lessons were fantastic at church, and then there was the CES fireside with the apostle Richard G. Scott.

The entire speech was on happiness in dating and marriage, and what builds the foundations for a happy marriage and family.  Between all the laughter at different comments made throughout the course of the evening, there were a lot of enlightening things said.  The beauty of the lot of it was that I had just told Carianne Hirano what I was looking for the second time around in a guy, and that Elder Scott reaffirmed my decision.

One of the best things he told guys was to have a little ingenuity when it came to dates, and that men should show the woman they love that they love her by telling her, and by doing the little things such as writing a note of encouragement or giving her flowers.  The reason I bring this up is because this morning this showed up on my car window:

I had to put two pictures of the flowers up on here; I couldn't help it.  They're really pretty.  

I don't know who these are from and I don't know why he/she did it, but it is the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long time.  It made my day at 7:30 this morning, and it has kept me happy thinking about it all day.