Mixed Feelings

There've been a lot of good things happening for me lately:

• I got into the Blues Experiment
• I'm working as a teacher at the college level and loving it.
• I'm studying what I want to study: mainly blues and jazz music to get a better understanding of the dancing I love.
• I'm teaching dance.
• I'm getting work as a transcriber.
• I'm crafting all sorts of things.
• I'm getting to travel.

Things I'm worried about:

• I've got a lot to do, and I feel that I don't have enough time to do it.
• I get stressed dealing with people all of the time.
• My relationships with people tend to suffer when I get things going well in my professional life.
• I'm getting really tired and don't know when I'll have time to slow down.
• I've already got to start thinking about if I want a PhD, and if I get it, where I want to apply.
• How I'm going to manage the big papers I have to write with the little time I have.

Right now, I'll just go one day at a time. I get overwhelmed if I look ahead even just a week.

A Newfound Attitude

I've been really angry, specifically at Jeremy, for the last six months or so. That's a long time for me. I think the only person I've been angry at longer was my ex-husband, for obvious, probably deserved and undeserved, reasons. It got to the point that it was affecting almost everything else in my life, because I was spending so much time upset.

Just over a week ago, I came to a realization after many a talk with him and many memories and conversations relived: Jeremy's his own person, and his needs and wants are different than mine. He's deciding between comfort and progress. Who am I to blame him if he chooses comfort?

And with that realization, all of my anger disappeared. My life has gotten so much better in one week, it's incredible. I have an amazing life.

Why?

• I have a supportive family.
• I have a few friends that really care about me.
• I have the means to travel all over for dance events.
• I got into the Blues Experiment, which gives me a week in a mansion in NC with other motivated dancers.
• I got into an academic conference in Florida.
• I have been commissioned to write a book review, which will make me, officially, a published author.
• I am teaching college starting in two days!
• I am in a graduate school that offers me some amazing learning opportunities.
• I have the opportunity, if I play my cards right, to become a leading scholar in a field I love.
• I don't have to go into debt to pay for graduate school.
• I get to teach blues dancing and earn money doing it.
• I still have plenty of free time to do the things I want and learn new skills as I prioritize.

There are so many other things, but I'll just go with this twelve to start. I'm a person who values progression over almost all else in my life. It makes a lot of people uncomfortable. But I know that for me, getting better at lots of things, and learning new things, is something that brings me personal fulfillment, and I'm not going to let bad blood and emotions get in the way of that. 

I couldn't ask for a better life.

Transition Phase

Everyone asks me, "Isn't it great to be done with college?" whenever they see me.

Here's what's nice:

1. No homework.
2. No tests.

Here's what's been rough:

1. No job.
2. Searching for a job.
3. Waiting to hear from grad schools.
4. Getting rejection letters.
5. Never hearing back from companies for jobs.
6. Going back living with family after having your own place because you're not in college and have no job.


And there's a list of more things, like that my computer broke, it cost a lot to fix, it took two months for management to fix my room, that means that I couldn't get it up for sale (although Nathan helped me find someone who wants my contract), I keep getting hives and spider/insect bites that have caused me a lot of grief, etc. I realize those are just little things, but on top of the bigger things, the last two months have been awful. So, is graduation nice? No, not really. It hasn't been. But do I hope that graduation will be better after I can get a job? Yes.

And hopefully I don't screw anything else up along the way.

The Hardest Part of Life

Because large groups are scary, new people are scary, relationships are scary, small groups are a little less scary, talking with people is scary . . . all the things are scary.

But yay for dancing!

Something You Should Know

So many people that want so much of my time.

I'm not an extrovert.
I'm an introvert.

I know that I can be smiley and talkative and interactive at dances, but that doesn't mean I'm extroverted. Quite the contrary: if I want human interaction, I go and find it. If I don't, well, quit contacting me every day!

I realize that most of you who read this already know this about me, but on the off chance someone who tries to contact me every day after seeing me at dance, please stop!

No, I'm not upset.
No, I'm not losing it.
No, something isn't wrong.

I'm simply me.

This means that I want to spend large amounts of my time alone, not contacting anyone.

In other words, this means I want to get some work done and do my own thing.

I'll contact you if there's something to talk about.

Not that this means that I don't enjoy it when someone randomly calls me up (like Kestin does [onsecondthoughtheonlydoesthataboutonceeverysixmonthssothismaynotcount]) or texts me. It simply means that I am not one of those people who craves human contact all the time.

Especially not when I've got a lot of creative things to do.

And when people keep asking me, "Are you okay? What's wrong? You seem, cross, what's up?" it gets on my nerves.

So yes, I'm annoyed, but not for the reason you think. I'm annoyed because you keep asking me if I am. If I tell you I'm fine, I mean it, okay???!!!!

I make a point not to say things I don't mean.

I hope this clears things up for those of you who want to spend time with me. You may think it's a small amount of time because you are so accustomed to hanging out with people and talking to people you care about multiple times a week. I am not accustomed to that much contact, and I have no desire to become accustomed to this.

I appreciate your understanding.

Rant over.

Goals Update January 2013

So, I realize that it isn't quite the end of January, but I don't think I'll have much time to update my blog in the next couple weeks, I have so much stuff going on. Here goes nothing.

I haven't exercised outside of dancing, but I hope to be better at this goal next month.

I read Dreamspinner by Lynn Kurland.

I've been too focused on getting my honors thesis proposal rewritten, I haven't done any great works papers. It'll happen, though.

My honors thesis proposal got accepted, and so now I'm gearing up to write the thesis. It's really happening!

I'm making a trivet out of pop bottle caps (you know, the ones that come off the glass bottles) and crocheted covers. Should be an adventure. Pictures to come.

I made Shawarma, and me and Nathan are going to start this thing where I surprise him with what I cook when I want to cook something new, so then I don't have tons of leftovers.

I went to LVFX and had a blast, and I bought my ticket to go to Mile High Blues in March.

Considering how much I ate out last semester, this month I've been fantastic with not eating out as much.

I've picked up a copy of the New York Times about four times a week this entire month. Not bad.

I have a friend who still owes me money for the hotel room at LVFX, so if I get that, I should be able to save about $50. It would be nice if I did because that would mean that I get to put that toward Mile High Blues hotel, food, or whatever.


So, I got lots accomplished. This is amazing to me, considering all that's gone on this month. If I've seemed completely distant, sorry. My Grandpa June almost died in the hospital the second week of the month, now he's paralyzed from the waist down, my brand new computer broke, my honors thesis proposal was rejected, and then the next week I had a relationship go downhill, I didn't get a job I wanted, I had a professor who wouldn't give me extra time to do work so I could help my family in this sad time, and then this last Tuesday my Grandma Vickie (Grandpa June's wife) was admitted to the ICU with bacterial spinal meningitis.

Yeah, that was my month. The highlight is simply that my thesis proposal got accepted yesterday. Well, and LVFX. But I don't think those two things necessarily outweigh all the other stuff. It's thrown off my schedule to be done with my Psychology course by the end of the month. I got all the coursework done, but I still need to take the final. Oh well, maybe on Sunday I'll study like crazy for it and take the test next week. Or the first week of February. I keep telling myself I have time. One step at a time. Nathan tells me that next month will be better.

Age is Relative

They shall bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing. ~Psalm 92:14

"Age is more a matter of how you feel, how you think, and what's going on in your head than what's going on in your feet." Gordon B. Hinckley said that.

And you know what? I completely agree.

I wish more people would get in on that idea. Then no one would say they won't do something because they're "too old."

Just thought I'd share something that I love with y'all today.

New Beginnings

My closest friend in Provo left to Texas yesterday. Hopefully, he'll be back sometime next year, but that knowledge didn't dull the pain and loss I felt last week. I've got a confession to make: I don't become close friends with people because I hate goodbyes. It's much easier to let go of people you don't know very well.

But I've discovered, from my friendship with Eric, that it is worth it to become close enough to your friends that you love them. If you don't get close to people, you don't grow. And I grew more in my five months of knowing Eric than I had in the six months before I knew him.

And another thing I've discovered from this parting is that when one person leaves, another person comes into your life to help you. That person, for me, was Nathan.

Left: Kristin
Right: Nathan

Nathan didn't take Eric's place. He isn't trying to. And I'm not trying to replace Eric. Eric is irreplaceable. But Nathan is teaching me things that Eric couldn't. Nathan's a great guy, and I look forward to a new friendship. I'm still learning to not hold back, but I'm moving forward every day, which is what's important. Nathan won't let me move backward, either.

So, here's to new beginnings, growing, and moving forward. May the next five months be as fruitful as the last five.

Come Over

"I want to write 'I miss you' on a rock and throw it at your face so you know how much it hurts to miss you."

There's always going to be that someone who's no good for me, but who I just keep going back to.

Realize

Quick update. So, after over a week up at Bear Lake, I'm pretty relaxed and ready to buckle down and get to where I can take my psychology midterm. I'm also to the point where I've realized something. My feelings are worth more than what I most recently had my heart set on. I've decided that I'm going to take a few chances, get to know someone new, play by my own rules, and enjoy life a little bit more than I have before. Yup. That's definitely on my top five priority list, right behind finish up my psychology class and pay for Austin Blues Party.

The Worst Poison

"Perfume and a good dance. Best tasting poison I've ever had the displeasure and foolishness to take willingly . . ."

My friend said that. 

He's right.

He's the same way I am. I'm the same way he is. I am always telling friends to "just go for it," and "you'll never know unless you ask," and "if you like him you should make sure to hang out with him more often until he asks you out," and "you should just ask him out; who says that guys are the only ones who can do the asking?" But I'm too chicken. I just assume that if he wanted to ask me out he would have done so a long time ago. I've come a long way from where I was; I ran away from what I was and what I thought I wanted; I came to something new, and better than the last try. But I'm afraid to try again. And I never get closure.

"Why the hell don't you jump? Try? 'You can only get closure' is what you would tell anyone that asked for your opinion. You'd make it seem so simple. They'd try it and say you were right as you either congratulated them or comforted them; either way you both know they did the right thing. But you? No such courage, no such sense to follow your own 'good advice'."

He said that.

Sounds familiar, right here in my head.

It's All Part of My Life

Thanksgiving is great.  It gives me time to contemplate my life.  For instance, my brother brought home a season of The Big Bang Theory, and as I sat down and watched a bunch of episodes with him, I realized that I feel a lot like Penny.  This is partly because these types of guys are the only ones I ever get asked out by.  I laugh at the show, but then kind of get the oh, this is a bit like my life, and that's ridiculous thought.

So girls, if you're interested, these are the kinds of guys that you will find at BYU, especially in the sciences.

Want more of this funny stuff?  Check out the show.

Yes, I'm Ready For This

I was up late last night.  Later than I planned.  I got done talking with my friend Megan at 11.  I was up talking with my friend Courtney Carter (from my Arabic class) until nearly two.  So I stayed up and registered for classes, and told myself I could get up at 6:30 and get my homework done.

HAHAHAHAHA

I didn't get up until ten to nine.  So, I thought, It's one of those days.  I shouldn't even bother to get out of bed.  Then the other me came into the picture, and I thought, Come on.  Are you really that lame?  You look at what you have to do today, and see that you didn't do the stuff that needed to be done before class, and you're not going to go and face the consequences of your actions?  You wimp.  I find that when I talk to myself like that it sometimes works to get me out of bed, and it worked today.  I enjoyed dance, and then went home to prepare for other classes.

I got my Honors homework done, but I still had (and have) just over a hundred pages to read out of Great Expectations.  Crap, I'm going to be late, was the next thought, and then I thought, I'll go anyway.  I was going to be late to class, and I knew it, but not that late, so I went.  And instead of going to class, I ran into my friend Hilary in the JFSB and ended up talking to her for a half an hour.

So, instead of going to class extremely late, I went over to the JKB to talk* to Courtney some more before my Arabic class.  I did a little Arabic homework, too.  Arabic was fun, as always.

And, we won our first Ultimate Frisbee game ever.  And it is the single elimination tournament, so it's awesome that we won.

My friend Jenessa is coming back from New York tonight, so I'm going to be fantastically happy tomorrow to see her.

I really need to take a camera to Arabic class and take pictures of all the people in my class sometime.

I have five midterms in four days next week.  Horrible.  I was panicking earlier, but now I'm pretty chill.  I'm pretty chill about a lot of stuff today that I was worried about yesterday.

In two months, I may or may not post something phenomenal.

!ان شاء الله

Until then, well, you'll just have to wait.



*I talked to both Megan and Courtney about the same thing, and I'm going to talk to Jenessa about it too.  The same possibly phenomenal thing.  I'll know in two months.  No need to let everyone know until then.

This Guy

So, to understand the significance of this post, you have to know a bit about last week.  My birthday was last week.  On Sunday.  That was a good day.  The next day wasn't.  I went to get my driver's license in the morning, because you can't renew your driver's license early when you turn 21, for obvious reasons.  It was Columbus Day.  Can't get a new license.  So I drive back to school on an expired license.  And then I met with my group for my group midterm in my Honors class, and I was broody because I was the only one that could answer every question, and that I missed FHE (some of my friends in my group I only see at FHE, so yeah, broodiness).

Tuesday.  I find out that I lost my student ID card.  I think I will be able to find it somewhere, so I don't get a new one.  I skip my last class because I'm feeling particularly broody, and then think, well, I might as well go get my license.  I get to the place they tell you to go on the website.  That isn't the place to get your license.  I finally get to the little community bank thing that has the drivers license renewal place on the second floor.  I get in there, start filling out the forms, and they say, "We're not serving anyone else.  We usually stop serving people at 4:30."  Well then, why don't you lock your doors at 4:30 so no one else comes in????

I was upset, not just because of that, but because occasionally I have really bad memory days.  So, I cried, and then went and got myself calmed down by driving around and buying something.  Hell if I remember what it was.

Wednesday was meh.  I did poorly on a plurals test in my Arabic class and wanted to cry.  I had a speaking appointment afterwards, and wanted to run and hide, not because I didn't do well in the appointment (my partner and I always do well) but because when I was leaving, I went to slide my chair in, and the top of my chair pulled off.  I fixed it, but that didn't stop me from being uber embarrassed by the look my teacher gave me as he said, "Chelsea!"

Thursday, and I still can't find my ID card.  I feel a little stupid about being broody over it because my friend Courtney lost her laptop (she still hasn't found it, poor girl).  I have a midterm, so by the time I get done with my midterm I just wanted to go to bed.  I didn't get homework done for the rest of the week for my Arabic class.  Sad day.

Friday was okay, but that's probably because I don't really remember what happened.  Oh yeah.  I got a new ID card because I couldn't find it, and I played DDR with my roommate Kelsey.  That was good, because I feel like I'm better friends with her now.  Roommate bonding time.

Now for what you've all been waiting for.  This Monday wasn't looking so hot.  I woke up and seriously debated if I wanted to get out of bed.  I STILL hadn't done my Arabic homework.  I decided I had to get up and go to school.  Good call.

My teacher in my Arabic class asked us what we did on the weekend, and the answers that came from the guys about girls made me laugh so hard I almost cried.  And my teacher just kept feeding off of their funny comments (made funny because they didn't know what they were saying in Arabic).  I laughed so hard I forgot why I was sad.  So here's to a great teacher, who makes me laugh at least once almost every day in class.

Ustaaz Yusuf Nielsen (Professor Joseph Nielsen. . . picture commandeered from facebook)

Bam.  I got you all on here, reading this, thinking that I've found someone special (and a couple of you are still thinking, 'Well, maybe you have") and it's all about a teacher.  The power of advertising, people.  The power of advertising.

Things I've Been Up To

I've gotten into painting my toenails and doing cute designs on my big toe.  It's hard to see them, because I have a hard time focusing the camera on the little painted decal.

If you click on this one, you can get a pretty good view of the flowers on my toes.

It says kiss me above the lips.

And for Megan's birthday I pulled out my card making skills and made a couple to choose from.  I gave her the one that says 21 on the front.

I gave Megan The Spirit Thief, by Rachel Aaron, an Arctic Monkeys cd, and a gift card to Barnes and Noble and FYE.  We had yummy cake at her house (which we made), and then went to see X-Men First Class.  It was great.

Brandon Campbell enjoying the swing.

Mindy Celli and Megan Moulding loving the cat, Velcro.

Then there's Hot Tub Tuesdays, and The Mentalist, and books.  That barely offsets the crappy last week of school before finals, which will probably also be a crappy week.  So, I'm probably going to go see Thor either tomorrow or Friday to help lower the bad scale of the week.  And, if I get really into telling everyone how it is, I might post a review.

Yup, I think that's it.

Girls' Night

I didn't sleep over, but I did go for a yummy dinner, and inspirational/spiritual talk, and nail painting.  I just put a clear coat of nail polish over my nails.  I couldn't bring myself to put a color on them.  Typical me, right?

One Year Mark

On the week of the 27th, it'll be a year since I left him.  Not since I got my marriage annulled, but since I left.  I think that's worth noting.

I always thought that the one year mark would be a depressing date for me, and that I wouldn't function very well for that entire week.  Ain't gonna happen.

What have I learned from this last year of hell?

1. I will not tolerate abuse from anyone.
2. I am worth it, no matter what one person may say.
3. There's definitely red flags that I'll notice when I start dating again, and avoid the people that I see those markers in.
4. Being single doesn't mean you're alone, or that you're lonely.
5. I can't depend on someone else to build my self esteem.  I have to do that myself.
6. I am intelligent, and not crazy, and I won't let anyone convince me otherwise.
7. It's okay to cry occasionally (but I still have a thing: you don't cry in front of other people if you can help it).
8. When you're on the verge of a mental breakdown, ask someone to come over and do something with you.
9. Exercising is a great way to take your mind off life's troubles.
10. I can set goals, and I can reach them.

Here's to the one year mark.

Sneaky Weeks

Coming back from a long weekend to a ton of homework that you have less than 24 hours to do is always traumatizing.  I don't have a ton of homework because I didn't do homework over the weekend; I have a ton of homework because BYU decided to have a Monday schedule on Tuesday, and then switch back to the regular schedule for the rest of the week.  This means I have two days with four continuous hours of classes.  Regularly, this wouldn't be a problem.  However, my classes require an uncommonly large amount of reading.

Usually I have Tuesday to do most of my reading.  I'll do part of my reading after school on Monday, and finish it up on Tuesday.  Then I'll do part of my homework on Wednesday, and finish it up on Thursday, etc.  This work load coming back from the holiday is particularly daunting, because my brain doesn't handle stress very well after coming back from a stress free weekend.

I am no good at drawing pictures, so this is what my brain goes through in words:

Yaay, school!  It's nice to be back and learning.

(Two hours into classes) I'm hungry.  Lets munch on wheat thins!

(Wheat thins being eaten)  Wheat thins are loud, and I can't pay attention and eat at the same time.

(I stop eating)

Can't... pay... attention......... too hungry....

Ooh, mythology!

hungry.....

ugh... six more books of the Odyssey to read?  Why did I decide to read it for fun this summer?

Classical Humanities.... soooo bored. 

(Eat apple before class begins)

Maybe I can make it through class.  It's only fifty more minutes.  

Have to take notes... (brain death nearing).... have to get a good grade.... have to stay awake and pay attention....

(ambling down the hill) Fresh air and freedom!  Now to go get a decent meal.

(eating and watching tv) Oh... I have homework.  But, I've eaten, so I can do this!

Ooh, I've never read this before!

I see why I never read it.

How many more pages?

Fifty down.... a hundred more to go....

And I have three papers to work on after this?

Stop working.  Watch House.

Read five more pages.

Stop.  Read blogs.

Must finish homework.

No, must write on blog.

Working on your homework is the right honorable thing to do.

Shut up conscience.

And this is usually a daily thing, unless the reading is particularly interesting or if I am in the mood to be productive and write.  Today, this is a very troublesome thought process, because my lazy side is winning out.  We'll see if I survive the evening.  And, maybe someday I'll get some white paper and draw out a stick figure cartoon of it all and scan it in for my blog.  Maybe.  Like I said, no artistic talent.

Happy Valentine's

For all of us single folks, there was a family home evening at the Burr's house in Alpine.  We decorated and ate sugar cookies, had a pickup line contest, and gave out valentines to people.  It was fun.

The last person to press the button after the music stops gets shocked game.

Jeff (the guy with his back turned) got shocked.

Lots of people gathering round the cookies.

Danielle (left) and her friend getting cookies.

The only two I know in this picture are Andy (center) and Becca (right)

A group of people.  I was just randomly snapping photos.  I have seen all of these people around before, but I just don't know names.  Never made a point to ask or remember, I guess.

Steve's holding the posters reading pickup lines for the contest.  The winner was, "We should open a Little Caesars because you're hot and I'm ready."

Everyone listening to the contest.

Saying goodbyes!

People I know from left to right: Nathaniel, Aubri, Amber. 

Aubri and Amber

I didn't want to have my picture taken alone, but they wanted me to have a picture taken, so they joined in.

Anthony and me.

The Whole Fam Damily

So, I am usually not one for socializing, and we all know that.  But, since I go to a university where the population is almost 100 percent LDS, the student body is required to be actively participating in things the church endorses.  One of these things is "family home evening."  The ward is split into small groups of "families" and two people in that group, a guy and a girl, are appointed "mom and dad" for the group.  Every Monday we meet at 7 PM to do something fun and have a spiritual thought.  The first time I was at BYU I never really went to these things, because I could get away with only showing up once in awhile.  This time, however, the family home evening "mom" is my roommate.  Busted.  I always have to go.

I have no clue what the spiritual thought for January 18th was.  I just remember going to Cabelas.  Our family split into groups and were given pieces of paper.  On my group's paper, we were told we were going bear hunting, and needed to go on a scavenger hunt to find the proper clothing, shelter, weapon, item of our choice, a bear, and a couple other things I don't remember.  We were rushed, because when we got to Cabelas it was fifteen minutes before closing time.  The pictures are what we came up with.

Sydney Neibaur and Coulter Neves

Thomas Cook

Camo hat on one side, hunter orange on the other.

Coulter, Thomas, and Sydney have found our bear trap!

And Coulter's got some guns just in case.

We're scouting out bears, supposedly.

And Syd's pretending to be one.

And Coulter's decided the best route to catching a bear is to feed it.

Shelter

The girls'll do some relaxing while the guys do the hunting.

And the guys'll spend some time fishing.

Our mode of transportation.