A Newfound Attitude

I've been really angry, specifically at Jeremy, for the last six months or so. That's a long time for me. I think the only person I've been angry at longer was my ex-husband, for obvious, probably deserved and undeserved, reasons. It got to the point that it was affecting almost everything else in my life, because I was spending so much time upset.

Just over a week ago, I came to a realization after many a talk with him and many memories and conversations relived: Jeremy's his own person, and his needs and wants are different than mine. He's deciding between comfort and progress. Who am I to blame him if he chooses comfort?

And with that realization, all of my anger disappeared. My life has gotten so much better in one week, it's incredible. I have an amazing life.

Why?

• I have a supportive family.
• I have a few friends that really care about me.
• I have the means to travel all over for dance events.
• I got into the Blues Experiment, which gives me a week in a mansion in NC with other motivated dancers.
• I got into an academic conference in Florida.
• I have been commissioned to write a book review, which will make me, officially, a published author.
• I am teaching college starting in two days!
• I am in a graduate school that offers me some amazing learning opportunities.
• I have the opportunity, if I play my cards right, to become a leading scholar in a field I love.
• I don't have to go into debt to pay for graduate school.
• I get to teach blues dancing and earn money doing it.
• I still have plenty of free time to do the things I want and learn new skills as I prioritize.

There are so many other things, but I'll just go with this twelve to start. I'm a person who values progression over almost all else in my life. It makes a lot of people uncomfortable. But I know that for me, getting better at lots of things, and learning new things, is something that brings me personal fulfillment, and I'm not going to let bad blood and emotions get in the way of that. 

I couldn't ask for a better life.

A Long Hiatus, but Back because Reminded

I saw my best friend Megan this last week because it was her sister Erin's wedding (wonderful wedding, wonderful people!) and she mentioned that I hadn't updated my blog in a long time. Well, that's mostly because of two things: a) dance and school and work (yes, I got into grad school at Weber State and got hired there as an adjunct to teach English 1010) and b) I utilize wordpress now more than anything, and I have a craft blog where I do my updates for that. So I haven't even thought to update anything. But there have been several big things that I feel like I want to say, but that I hate to say very publicly (as in FB) because there are people that would feel bad or hurt about it.

But first: goals update.

1: I've been trying to communicate with people better, especially when it's pertinent. The problem has become for me, is there any way to determine the best time to communicate the things that are pertinent? More on this in a minute.

2: Because I'm in graduate school, the idea is to get something, or actually somethings, published and so you look good for PhD programs when you're finished with graduate school. So, this semester I'm trying to write a killer paper to get into a conference, and I'm also going to be writing a book review to hopefully get published. We'll see how it goes.

3: My job isn't full time, really, but I'm teaching in college. And it's paying for my college. And paying me on top of that. Can I ask for better right now, really?

4: I read one philosophy book off my list and bought a few more, but Randall Munroe's What If book is currently taking up all my time. He's the guy who writes XKCD, in case you didn't know.

5: HAHAHAHAHA I'm never going to be good at exercising.

Now, onto the rest.

Some of you know I was dating someone semi-seriously. His name is Jeremy. You may have noticed the was. This is why I asked the question I asked about #1. He had been pretty aloof, and then one night I went to kiss him goodbye and he pushed me away, then asked me to call him when I got home. I told him, "Well, thanks for the good times," because I knew he was going to break up with me there, or end things, or whatever you want to call it, but he said, "Won't there be more good times?" Instead of confronting him right there and making him communicate with me, I went home crying. Then I called him before I got home to talk, and that's when he decided to tell me he was no longer interested and that I shouldn't be upset because we were never exclusive, and that the reason he was leaving was because he wasn't happy with me (and hadn't been for months, apparently) and because I obviously had too much skin in the game.

I was distraught, and then told him a bunch of things I thought and had thought. I spent the next few days crying and angry, and then told him we couldn't be friends (which hasn't really worked out the way I thought because I still see him all the time at dances and I decided to work with him to create a blues dance lesson series, which is more of a business relationship, but one he takes advantage of for friendship, and me too on occasion, if I'm being honest), and it caught him off guard, because he thought it could just go back to the way it was before I'd been his girl. When he keeps trying to break ground rules I've set, it leaves me sad. Also, wondering why it is that he couldn't just be straightforward and break up with me in person. Am I really that scary that he has to make sure I'm miles away before he tells me?

Today was his birthday. I couldn't help myself: I made him a card and some roasted pumpkin seeds and thought I'd ask him if he wanted to grab dessert for his birthday so I could give them to him. He said thanks, but that he had already met with [insert girl's name here] for lunch and he probably didn't want to. But thanks anyways. So I was hurt. I wasn't important enough to want to spend time with. But he had to meet me on my birthday and by me dessert and make me work on an image I didn't want to work on and be with someone I didn't want to be with on my birthday because I had certain expectations for how we would spend my birthday and those weren't going to happen now. But no, he gets to say no to me because it all has to work the way he wants it. So it leads me back to the same hurtful questions:

1. If he wasn't happy with me, how much of the relationship is a lie because I was happy and he was faking?
2. If he was never romantically involved with me (in his mind) then why did he decide to lead me on by doing all those romantic things with me?
3. Was I, and have I always been, just someone he saw as useful and figured it would be good to get me personally invested so I'd stick around?
4. Does he just not see how much his actions continually hurt me?

And I want to ask him these questions all the time. But the couple of times I've tried to ask him he skirts around the questions with the answer of: "Me telling you why this relationship, which wasn't even exclusive, is no longer working for me isn't going to change anything. You trying to talk about this isn't going to fix it. I can't give you any closure, because I don't see that this is a permanent thing, and just because it's ending now doesn't mean it won't pick back up in the future." Which is essentially him telling me, in my mind, I want to try out another girl right now, but when it doesn't work, I'll come pick you up off that shelf I put you on just now, so don't go anywhere. I might want you again as a rebound.

And it makes me feel worthless and sick. Sick because I felt happy for the last year and a half with him. Sick because I had healing moments with him that now I feel like could have easily meant nothing to him. Sick because I question the legitimacy of those healing moments now. Sick because I shared intimate things with him I haven't shared with anyone and now he has that as ammunition if he really wanted (although my rational mind knows he wouldn't do that). Sick because the last year of my life is possibly a lie. Sick because the first man I've ever felt like I could truly say loved me actually didn't have any feelings for me. Sick because I told that man I loved him and it was really scary, and it turned out he didn't care. Sick because it's been a month since he did this to me and I still cry at least once a week over it.

I've been trying to stay busy with a lot of things to keep happy, but it's the hours I'm alone that it makes me sad. Want to see what I wrote in the birthday card? I thought a lot about it, and I heard two Doctor Who quotes from this latest season that really fit what I wanted to say to him, so I just used them:

Jeremy, 

I know I’m breaking my own rules, but since you’re never finished with anyone while they can still make you angry, I guess I figured we’ve got some more interacting to do. I mean, hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone you don’t like, right? So, here’s to seeing what another year of interaction brings. And for God’s sake, don’t stop dressing well just because I’m not around to choose what looks best on you. Happy birthday. We’re still not dancing.

Love, 

Chelsea

Not dancing is one of my rules that's probably going to have to stay for a long time. I cry after every time I dance with him. Which is bad if you're driving home at night. Or driving period. And I can't say I don't feel hate almost every day I think of my favorite memories and realize that he probably didn't feel anything like what I was feeling. 

I don't know. Should I feel angry and upset? Or should I just take the moments as what I felt and be happy I actually, for the first time since I got divorced, was able to open up to someone and enjoy life in love for a year and a half? Probably the last one, and maybe eventually I'll get there. I'm just really upset now. So you may see me post memories or frustrations or random things and thoughts here as I progress through this. It seems to be what I did here for my divorce, so why not just continue to post life realizations here? Don't see why not. Then I'll have THREE BLOGS! My blues dance blog, my craft blog, and this. Guess it's not too crazy, right?

Also, a parting thought from Doctor Who: “You only find out what someone thinks of you when you find out what lies they’ve told you.”

The Hardest Part of Life

Because large groups are scary, new people are scary, relationships are scary, small groups are a little less scary, talking with people is scary . . . all the things are scary.

But yay for dancing!

Come Over

"I want to write 'I miss you' on a rock and throw it at your face so you know how much it hurts to miss you."

There's always going to be that someone who's no good for me, but who I just keep going back to.

Realize

Quick update. So, after over a week up at Bear Lake, I'm pretty relaxed and ready to buckle down and get to where I can take my psychology midterm. I'm also to the point where I've realized something. My feelings are worth more than what I most recently had my heart set on. I've decided that I'm going to take a few chances, get to know someone new, play by my own rules, and enjoy life a little bit more than I have before. Yup. That's definitely on my top five priority list, right behind finish up my psychology class and pay for Austin Blues Party.

One Person

I've had a really huge range of emotions that I've swung back and forth through this past week. I think it has a lot to do with me brooding over not being able to get a date. And I'm not talking about a serious "I really like you and want you to be my boyfriend" type of date. I'm just talking about going out with a guy as friends.

I realize that I shouldn't be upset over it, and I get over it and get really happy. And then I think how fun it would be if I had a guy friend that wanted to go dancing with me on Thursday nights, and I get upset again. What is so wrong with me that I can't even have a guy go out with me as a friend to have fun?

I've asked myself that a lot lately.

For awhile I thought it was because I just didn't make myself available to do things, so I made myself more available. Then when nothing happened I thought it was because I wasn't outgoing enough, so I tried to be more outgoing. And then when nothing happened I thought that I just needed to ask guys to do stuff with me every now and then, so I did. And every guy tells me no. Something must be seriously wrong with me; that's my next thought.

It really comes down to finding one person that wants to go do things with me. And I really hate that it is one person that can make a difference for better or for worse. My friend James posted this on his facebook, and I thought it seemed appropriate.

Hmph

Whenever I tell a couple that I'm happy for them when they get into a relationship, engaged, or married, I feel a twinge of guilt somewhere in the back of my mind because I know I'm not being completely honest with them.  A part of me is extremely jealous.

When I take the time to examine this part of my thought process, I feel extremely upset about it, because by being jealous, that means I'm rooting for the relationship to fail simply because I don't have one.  What right do I have to deny another person happiness, especially if I'm friends with that person?

I've asked myself that a lot lately.

Not to say that I don't really, truly mean it when I tell a couple I'm happy they're engaged.  I was truly happy to hear my friend Kim Welch was engaged to Victor Doroghian.  And I was really happy when my friend Jen Weston got married to Nick Taylor.

Still, the more likely response is a smile and a "I'm so happy for you!" But in reality I'm thinking, that makes me so depressed.  Go be blissfully happy somewhere not around me.  When someone has lost in love, I'm much better able to deal with that.  I can handle sad people.  Not that I want people to lose in love all the time, but I don't really like to see other people succeeding in love when I can't get a date to save my life.

Most of the time it really doesn't matter to me that no guys want to date me, but surges of new relationships, engagements, and marriages throw me into a broody mood.

And I thought I'd share that broody mood with everyone today, because I felt like it needed to be said, or I was going to go insane.

The List

I just watched this show called Beauty & The Briefcase.  It was a good show, albeit an ABC Family cheesy show.  I've been into watching Netflix streaming movies.  I've watched a couple ABC Family ones now, including My Future Boyfriend.  I also watched According to Greta.  That was a good one, not ABC Family, but still really good.  Back on point.  I realize that this post hasn't made a move toward a point yet.  It's getting there.

Most people I know--girls and guys--have a list.  I mean, everyone makes lists, but this is The List.  The qualities for a partner list.  I've yet to meet a girl that hasn't had one.  My friend Megan and I used to joke around in junior high with mottos such as "foreign is better," "foreign + guitar = hot," and "nice guys finish last."  I still have a note full of the sayings that she came up with.  I know we worked on some together, but her ability to turn a phrase is amazing.  Always has been, always will be.  Actually, I don't really know that I've ever sat down and asked her what her serious list is.  Before I got married, I was pretty shallow.  The list was one, foreign, two, good looking, three, smart.  I'm sure there were more, but those are the main ones I remember.  Maybe they're the ones I remember because I think that they define how shallow of a person I can be.

And I took a breath, and I got my hot, smart foreign guy--and I ruined my life.

So, how do these last two paragraphs tie in with the first one?  Well, Beauty & The Briefcase had to do with finding the right guy.  Finding the guy that met everything on her list.  And she gets a guy in the end, but he has zero out of ten of the qualities on The List.  The guy that met the qualities on The List, that she falls in love with in the middle of the show, was a complete liar.  He pretended to be what she wanted so he could get in bed with her.

That's how stupid we are.  We all want some dream match; the love of fairy-tales.  It doesn't exist.  Real love is hard, and you have to work at it every day if you want it to last.  You can't lie your way through it, and the qualities that you're looking for are often you lying to yourself about what you want.

If you never tell the truth about yourself when you meet someone you like, you're headed for trouble.  I know everyone always says that.  I don't think everyone who says that has experience like mine to back it up.  If you're honest with the someone you want to date, then if that someone really likes you, he/she will like you for your honesty.

Get rid of The List.  If you must have The List, let only two things be on it.  One, he/she is the same religion as you.  Two, he/she has the same morals as you.  These two things, I believe, could be grouped into one if you want.  However, just because someone shares the same religion as you doesn't mean that they share the same morals.  Example, my aforementioned marriage.

There have been men who have come and gone in my life that weren't foreign or hot, but who shared my values and treated me well.  And I let that slide because I had a list of what I thought was important.  I've missed chances I should have taken.

What now?  There are guys that I want to be friends with.  Just friends.  I am just socially awkward enough that I don't know how to initiate friendship without making men think I'm hitting on them.  Realistically, I realize that I can probably only ever be friends with the guys in my community.  I believe I had my chance, and I botched it.  I'd still like to associate with guys.  I'm fantastic at not doing well at that.

And in my dream world, I'd like to date a certain someone.  I want a guy to come in and sweep me off my feet.  To let me know that it doesn't matter that I've been married before.  That he still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  He doesn't have to have any particular qualities.  I believe that what most people would call a spark, is all it'd take.

My dating life is a no-go, though.  If I'm just socially awkward enough to have trouble in the friendship field, I'm running from the cops in the dating field.  I make every mistake possible.  I'm sure I break all the laws of initiating a relationship.  I blush.  I sound like an idiot.  I stare.  I try being a bit forward.  Then I back off.  I stop talking to the guy.  I avoid said guy because he never asks me out, and things are unavoidably awkward because I think he knows I like him and would like to date him.  Obviously he doesn't want to date me.  A bit of despair.

Thank goodness I was able to get away from that last bit by actually running away home for a couple months.  We'll come to the "what happens when you get back to Provo and see him again" bridge when we have to cross it.

The Thing About BYU...

I really like going to school at BYU, but the thing about it is, relationships!  All of a sudden a bunch of people in my ward are dating, in a relationship, or getting engaged.  It is really, really awkward for me.  Why?  Well, there's a number of reasons, including me not being asked out.

Not getting asked out on dates really doesn't bother me, but it is awkward when I'm talking to a roommate or friend and I ask them what they're doing that evening, and they tell me, "Oh, I'm going on a date!"  Usually whoever I'm talking to is excited to go, and in the course of their answer I get asked, "So what are you doing tonight?"  And of course, I get to answer, "Well, I'm going to do homework and probably go to bed after."  And inevitably, my friend gets a look on his/her face that says Oh, I feel like a jerk now because I was so excited about getting asked out and she never gets a date.  I've been on two dates this semester where I actually went out with people.  One was a blind date, and the guy never called me again.  The other was a "tie date" which was also sort of a blind date, and I now have a friend dating that guy.  If you count making dinner with my friend Anthony as a date, then that makes three.

Really, that's not too bad considering my recent annulment.

Another reason is the awkwardness of walking down my stairs.  My roommates really never tell me when people/boyfriends are coming over, and so, since I usually shower and get into pajamas early in the evening, I'll walk down the stairs in my pjs and no makeup on with my hair a mess to find a guy on the couch waiting for one of my roommates to come downstairs.  AWKWARD.

And then, I am always the one to walk in at the wrong moments.  My roommate Shayla had a boyfriend a couple months ago, and I walked down the stairs to see them kissing.  And that wasn't as awkward for me as it was for her, because they broke up a few weeks later.  And then, last night I walked down the stairs to get a drink, and her and her new boyfriend were kissing on the couch.  Once again, terrible timing on my part.

Oh, and then I'm miss "stick my foot in it" when it comes to keeping up with what's going on.  My roommate Victoria was dating this guy Jeff, one of my friend Anthony's roommates, and so I thought I'd invite his apartment over and Danielle (Steve, that guy that I went on the tie date with is also one of Anthony's roommates, and now my friend, Danielle, is dating him, so it's only right to ask his girlfriend to come) so we could have pizza and play games.  And when I said, Torie, then you and Jeff could make a date of it, she said, "Oh, um, we're not dating anymore.  I broke up with him.  I thought I'd told you that."  Nope, she hadn't and of course I'd bring up a painful subject.  I never went about pulling that game night idea together after that.

So, here I am, being okay with being single, because I don't really want to seriously date someone until at least a year after my annulment, but feeling awkward and pressured to find someone because apparently that's important here.  Really, I do enjoy going out, and I wouldn't mind casually dating a couple people, but truly, I don't think I want a serious relationship right now.  In fact, I don't think I want a serious relationship until after I've gone to study abroad in London next summer.  So, BYU, I'm declaring that I don't think that dating and relationships should be as big of a deal as you make it.

There, I dun said it.

The Most Awkward Subject

Guys.  It always seems to come up.  Whether I want the subject to come up or not.  Sure, the general talk about them isn't hard.  There's general responses for that.  It's when I need advice on guys that it sucks. Or, when I have to give advice.  I really don't know which is worse.

When you have to ask advice about a certain guy, then you run the risk of the person you ask being indiscreet in their actions after you ask them.  So, then, who do you ask?  Well, if you want to ask girls that he's friends with, which you would think would be best because they know him the best, then you run the risk of them just out and telling him.  Is that a good or bad thing?

Also, I feel really awkward asking anyways.  It seems a rather frivolous activity, looking for a relationship. Especially when the guy is silent unless you talk first, and then the silence gets so loud you don't think you've ever heard it quite that loud, but you still like him.  It's like a game of cat and mouse, but you don't know who's who.

Then, when people ask me about relationships.  Well, we already know how that goes with me, as evidenced here.  Still, lately I've tried to answer.  The tough thing about that is that you have certain things you want to say, but you can see in the girl's eyes, or hear in her voice, that she thinks that she's heard it all before and that I'm just saying things to try and make her feel better.  Why do we even ask each other for advice on guys, then?  Why don't we just ask other guys?  Well, I don't get any good answers from other guys.  It usually consists of the words, "Um, I dunno."  Or, there's the general, "You're over-thinking things."  Sometimes I think the second answer is warranted, but sometimes I think it's just a fallback answer.

I hope Ryan doesn't mind, which I guess he shouldn't because he posted this on facebook, and I don't even think he reads this.  Still, I think that his answer to why this time in life is hard was a good one.

The Challenge of this stage in life is finding someone you can do everything with and share everything with. Someone who's goals and ambitions will be your goals and ambitions which you will work toward together. Someone with which you can work out happiness, just as the Savior has asked us to. Someone with the courage to tell you when you are falling short and then reaches out to help lift you back up and loves you in the process. If you can find one with which you can do that and you will find yourself working to build an eternal relationship and an eternal family. Be mindful, this will be the one with whom you will be tried, tested, burdened, purified and exalted with. This will be one who will come to see you as you really are, all your faults, imperfections, habits, and insecurities yet they will love you despite them. You will come to find yourself doing the same for them. You will work with them, make decisions with them, cry, mourn, and stress with them; laugh, love and rejoice with them. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Just be the person you need to be and be grateful. Do all things in wisdom and in order.