A Long Hiatus, but Back because Reminded

I saw my best friend Megan this last week because it was her sister Erin's wedding (wonderful wedding, wonderful people!) and she mentioned that I hadn't updated my blog in a long time. Well, that's mostly because of two things: a) dance and school and work (yes, I got into grad school at Weber State and got hired there as an adjunct to teach English 1010) and b) I utilize wordpress now more than anything, and I have a craft blog where I do my updates for that. So I haven't even thought to update anything. But there have been several big things that I feel like I want to say, but that I hate to say very publicly (as in FB) because there are people that would feel bad or hurt about it.

But first: goals update.

1: I've been trying to communicate with people better, especially when it's pertinent. The problem has become for me, is there any way to determine the best time to communicate the things that are pertinent? More on this in a minute.

2: Because I'm in graduate school, the idea is to get something, or actually somethings, published and so you look good for PhD programs when you're finished with graduate school. So, this semester I'm trying to write a killer paper to get into a conference, and I'm also going to be writing a book review to hopefully get published. We'll see how it goes.

3: My job isn't full time, really, but I'm teaching in college. And it's paying for my college. And paying me on top of that. Can I ask for better right now, really?

4: I read one philosophy book off my list and bought a few more, but Randall Munroe's What If book is currently taking up all my time. He's the guy who writes XKCD, in case you didn't know.

5: HAHAHAHAHA I'm never going to be good at exercising.

Now, onto the rest.

Some of you know I was dating someone semi-seriously. His name is Jeremy. You may have noticed the was. This is why I asked the question I asked about #1. He had been pretty aloof, and then one night I went to kiss him goodbye and he pushed me away, then asked me to call him when I got home. I told him, "Well, thanks for the good times," because I knew he was going to break up with me there, or end things, or whatever you want to call it, but he said, "Won't there be more good times?" Instead of confronting him right there and making him communicate with me, I went home crying. Then I called him before I got home to talk, and that's when he decided to tell me he was no longer interested and that I shouldn't be upset because we were never exclusive, and that the reason he was leaving was because he wasn't happy with me (and hadn't been for months, apparently) and because I obviously had too much skin in the game.

I was distraught, and then told him a bunch of things I thought and had thought. I spent the next few days crying and angry, and then told him we couldn't be friends (which hasn't really worked out the way I thought because I still see him all the time at dances and I decided to work with him to create a blues dance lesson series, which is more of a business relationship, but one he takes advantage of for friendship, and me too on occasion, if I'm being honest), and it caught him off guard, because he thought it could just go back to the way it was before I'd been his girl. When he keeps trying to break ground rules I've set, it leaves me sad. Also, wondering why it is that he couldn't just be straightforward and break up with me in person. Am I really that scary that he has to make sure I'm miles away before he tells me?

Today was his birthday. I couldn't help myself: I made him a card and some roasted pumpkin seeds and thought I'd ask him if he wanted to grab dessert for his birthday so I could give them to him. He said thanks, but that he had already met with [insert girl's name here] for lunch and he probably didn't want to. But thanks anyways. So I was hurt. I wasn't important enough to want to spend time with. But he had to meet me on my birthday and by me dessert and make me work on an image I didn't want to work on and be with someone I didn't want to be with on my birthday because I had certain expectations for how we would spend my birthday and those weren't going to happen now. But no, he gets to say no to me because it all has to work the way he wants it. So it leads me back to the same hurtful questions:

1. If he wasn't happy with me, how much of the relationship is a lie because I was happy and he was faking?
2. If he was never romantically involved with me (in his mind) then why did he decide to lead me on by doing all those romantic things with me?
3. Was I, and have I always been, just someone he saw as useful and figured it would be good to get me personally invested so I'd stick around?
4. Does he just not see how much his actions continually hurt me?

And I want to ask him these questions all the time. But the couple of times I've tried to ask him he skirts around the questions with the answer of: "Me telling you why this relationship, which wasn't even exclusive, is no longer working for me isn't going to change anything. You trying to talk about this isn't going to fix it. I can't give you any closure, because I don't see that this is a permanent thing, and just because it's ending now doesn't mean it won't pick back up in the future." Which is essentially him telling me, in my mind, I want to try out another girl right now, but when it doesn't work, I'll come pick you up off that shelf I put you on just now, so don't go anywhere. I might want you again as a rebound.

And it makes me feel worthless and sick. Sick because I felt happy for the last year and a half with him. Sick because I had healing moments with him that now I feel like could have easily meant nothing to him. Sick because I question the legitimacy of those healing moments now. Sick because I shared intimate things with him I haven't shared with anyone and now he has that as ammunition if he really wanted (although my rational mind knows he wouldn't do that). Sick because the last year of my life is possibly a lie. Sick because the first man I've ever felt like I could truly say loved me actually didn't have any feelings for me. Sick because I told that man I loved him and it was really scary, and it turned out he didn't care. Sick because it's been a month since he did this to me and I still cry at least once a week over it.

I've been trying to stay busy with a lot of things to keep happy, but it's the hours I'm alone that it makes me sad. Want to see what I wrote in the birthday card? I thought a lot about it, and I heard two Doctor Who quotes from this latest season that really fit what I wanted to say to him, so I just used them:

Jeremy, 

I know I’m breaking my own rules, but since you’re never finished with anyone while they can still make you angry, I guess I figured we’ve got some more interacting to do. I mean, hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone you don’t like, right? So, here’s to seeing what another year of interaction brings. And for God’s sake, don’t stop dressing well just because I’m not around to choose what looks best on you. Happy birthday. We’re still not dancing.

Love, 

Chelsea

Not dancing is one of my rules that's probably going to have to stay for a long time. I cry after every time I dance with him. Which is bad if you're driving home at night. Or driving period. And I can't say I don't feel hate almost every day I think of my favorite memories and realize that he probably didn't feel anything like what I was feeling. 

I don't know. Should I feel angry and upset? Or should I just take the moments as what I felt and be happy I actually, for the first time since I got divorced, was able to open up to someone and enjoy life in love for a year and a half? Probably the last one, and maybe eventually I'll get there. I'm just really upset now. So you may see me post memories or frustrations or random things and thoughts here as I progress through this. It seems to be what I did here for my divorce, so why not just continue to post life realizations here? Don't see why not. Then I'll have THREE BLOGS! My blues dance blog, my craft blog, and this. Guess it's not too crazy, right?

Also, a parting thought from Doctor Who: “You only find out what someone thinks of you when you find out what lies they’ve told you.”

Year-End Goal Review

I did a lot this year. I didn't succeed at everything, but I learned a lot of life lessons. And without further ado, I'm going to post my goals for 2013 for the last time. Next month I may set new ones, since for a few years now this has been a successful venture.

1. Exercise at least once a week outside of dancing.

This didn't go over so well. However, I did exercise today, and I was thinking that now that I have easy access to an elliptical and stationary bike and weight system, this might be easier for me to do.

2. Read one book a month outside of required reading.

I lost track of what I read, but I know I made the goal.

3. Get all my great works papers written.
Done.

4. Save around $50 a month.

I've tried to be really good at this. I think I mostly succeeded.

5. Get my Honors Thesis written.

This was possibly the hardest thing I did all year. But it's done, and it is published. 

6. Graduate.

So nice to be done.

7. Get an internship.

The internship will most likely turn into a job. I'm interning with Jolly Fish Press, a national publishing house based out of Provo, but with a virtual office so I can work anywhere!

8. Get an editing job.

Did that.

9. Apply for Grad school.

Done and done! This was only slightly frustrating.

10. Cook 10 new things.

Probably did it. Didn't keep track of new things cooked.

11. Have at least a 3.59 GPA by graduation.

3.6 final GPA!

12. Crochet something new.

Plenty of new things, including a shawl, minion hats, and a cardigan in the works.

13. Take a recreation class.

meh . . .

14. Eat out less.

If we don't count late night Denny's runs.

15. Manage my time better.

Mostly good.

16. Read the New York Times at least twice a week.

Like I said, the Guardian.

17. Go to at least two dance conventions.

Still going strong. Denver Fusion Exchange in January!

18. Index at least 200 names.

...

19. Scrapbook at least 10 pages.

No excuse. I made cards.

20. Make handmade cards for all the major holidays.

Goal accomplished! So much fun.

21. Do something I've never done before.

Plenty. I named some in my previous post, but I'd like to add to the list becoming a DJ for west coast swing and blues dancers. I never would have ever thought I'd do that in my lifetime.

So, total: 17/21

That's proof enough for me that writing my goals down and keeping a monthly account of my progress works for most things I plan to do. I think that I'll probably change certain goals in my next year depending on if and where I get into graduate school. 

Here's to a fabulous year, and a fantastic year to come!

Goals Update . . . Long Overdue

I decided that, on this, my birthday, I would look at how well I've done on my goals. I think I've done decently!

1. Exercise at least once a week outside of dancing.

I haven't really done this. I suppose it's never too late to start, but sometimes it seems a little futile.

2. Read one book a month outside of required reading.

I've been in and out on this. Some of the books that I am required to read, such as Their Eyes Were Watching God, were on my "to read" list anyway, so I feel like I want to double count some books. Is that fair?

3. Get all my great works papers written.

My honors portfolio has been submitted and passed!

4. Save around $50 a month.

I've been really good at making sure I do this.

5. Get my Honors Thesis written.

I defend my thesis in two weeks!

6. Graduate.

If all goes as planned, this happens in December.

7. Get an internship.

I've applied for an internship, but haven't heard back.

8. Get an editing job.

I have three editing jobs right now, and that feels great.

9. Apply for Grad school.

In the throes. I need to take the GRE. Yikes!

10. Cook 10 new things.

I'm pretty sure I've done this. The last new thing I made was Caribbean rice.

11. Have at least a 3.59 GPA by graduation.

It will actually be difficult to get this, but I should only be one or two hundredths of a point short.

12. Crochet something new.

I've been enjoying crocheting for awhile now. Over the summer I crocheted a shawl, and I'm making a shirt now.

13. Take a recreation class.

I bailed out on this . . . yeah yeah, I know.

14. Eat out less.

I've been pretty good about this, minus late night Denny's runs.

15. Manage my time better.

I think that finishing my thesis and work forced me to manage time a lot better.

16. Read the New York Times at least twice a week.

I was good at this for awhile, but not so much lately. I do read a bit of news online, but I could be better.

17. Go to at least two dance conventions.

Nocturne Blues, Sweet Molasses Blues, and I'll be going to the Denver Fusion Exchange in January.

18. Index at least 200 names.

Haven't even started (face of shame).

19. Scrapbook at least 10 pages.

Haven't even started . . . (more shame).

20. Make handmade cards for all the major holidays.

I made lots of Halloween cards! Maybe pictures later?

21. Do something I've never done before.

I think I want to 

Goals Update April 2013

I didn't do as much this month, but I did do some things. And this month was the last month of school, so my focus was really on that.

2. I read The Spirit War by Rachel Aaron. The Eli Monpress series is a great quick, fun read if you're looking to relax and enjoy a good book.

4. Rough month for money. I bought my ticket to Nocturne Blues and my ticket to Sweet Molasses Blues, so that definitely put a dent in things, but then I had some unexpected expenses as well, like a parking ticket . . .

5. My research for my honors thesis is done. Now to get to writing.

11. I should have jumped my grade average quite a bit because I got all As and A minuses in my classes this semester. All the grades havent been posted yet, but I'd guess that my grade point average should be between a 3.55 and a 3.57. I'm hoping for the higher end.

12. I crocheted a couple of rugs, and I made two belts.

13. I registered for a volleyball class in the fall. We'll see if I decide to keep it in my schedule.

16. I haven't read the New York Times twice a week, but I did spend quite a bit of time on the BBC Arabic news site so I could practice my reading skills. I got to read about what was going on in a different language, and that was cool, so I'm counting it.

20. I made cards for Easter. Fun stuff.

Goals Update March 2013

So, here goes nothing. I did stuff this time!

2. I read Small Gods by Terry Pratchett. Fantastic read if your looking for something fun or if you're looking for something deep. Great commentary on religion if you choose to read it that way.

4. I technically met my savings goal, but then I pulled it out of savings to go to Mile High Blues in Denver. Totally worth it, and what I've been saving for anyway.

5. Got more research done for my thesis. Hope to really get into the meat of this next month.

8. I got a job in acquisitions with Covenant Communications, Inc.

11. I jumped my grade point average a bit after getting an A in my psychology course.

12. I found this pattern for a crocheted belt that I'm going to try out next month.

17. I went to Mile High Blues, and I just paid to go to Swing Diego.

20. I made cards for St. Patrick's Day. I didn't send them all out, though. I guess next year?

Goals Update February 2013

It's that time again. I don't think that it's going as well as I'd like to believe.

1. I really need to get a gym membership to 24 hour fitness or something if I'm going to get this goal off the ground. Dancing is generally the only exercise I do outside of walking all over campus.

2. I read Armageddon in Retrospect by Kurt Vonnegut. Great book.

4. I met my savings goal again!

5. I got the first ten pages of my honors thesis written.

20. I made cards for Valentines Day. And I'm ending on this goal because the other ones are either in progress or aren't happening until later.

Pictures!

Goals Update January 2013

So, I realize that it isn't quite the end of January, but I don't think I'll have much time to update my blog in the next couple weeks, I have so much stuff going on. Here goes nothing.

I haven't exercised outside of dancing, but I hope to be better at this goal next month.

I read Dreamspinner by Lynn Kurland.

I've been too focused on getting my honors thesis proposal rewritten, I haven't done any great works papers. It'll happen, though.

My honors thesis proposal got accepted, and so now I'm gearing up to write the thesis. It's really happening!

I'm making a trivet out of pop bottle caps (you know, the ones that come off the glass bottles) and crocheted covers. Should be an adventure. Pictures to come.

I made Shawarma, and me and Nathan are going to start this thing where I surprise him with what I cook when I want to cook something new, so then I don't have tons of leftovers.

I went to LVFX and had a blast, and I bought my ticket to go to Mile High Blues in March.

Considering how much I ate out last semester, this month I've been fantastic with not eating out as much.

I've picked up a copy of the New York Times about four times a week this entire month. Not bad.

I have a friend who still owes me money for the hotel room at LVFX, so if I get that, I should be able to save about $50. It would be nice if I did because that would mean that I get to put that toward Mile High Blues hotel, food, or whatever.


So, I got lots accomplished. This is amazing to me, considering all that's gone on this month. If I've seemed completely distant, sorry. My Grandpa June almost died in the hospital the second week of the month, now he's paralyzed from the waist down, my brand new computer broke, my honors thesis proposal was rejected, and then the next week I had a relationship go downhill, I didn't get a job I wanted, I had a professor who wouldn't give me extra time to do work so I could help my family in this sad time, and then this last Tuesday my Grandma Vickie (Grandpa June's wife) was admitted to the ICU with bacterial spinal meningitis.

Yeah, that was my month. The highlight is simply that my thesis proposal got accepted yesterday. Well, and LVFX. But I don't think those two things necessarily outweigh all the other stuff. It's thrown off my schedule to be done with my Psychology course by the end of the month. I got all the coursework done, but I still need to take the final. Oh well, maybe on Sunday I'll study like crazy for it and take the test next week. Or the first week of February. I keep telling myself I have time. One step at a time. Nathan tells me that next month will be better.