A Long Hiatus, but Back because Reminded

I saw my best friend Megan this last week because it was her sister Erin's wedding (wonderful wedding, wonderful people!) and she mentioned that I hadn't updated my blog in a long time. Well, that's mostly because of two things: a) dance and school and work (yes, I got into grad school at Weber State and got hired there as an adjunct to teach English 1010) and b) I utilize wordpress now more than anything, and I have a craft blog where I do my updates for that. So I haven't even thought to update anything. But there have been several big things that I feel like I want to say, but that I hate to say very publicly (as in FB) because there are people that would feel bad or hurt about it.

But first: goals update.

1: I've been trying to communicate with people better, especially when it's pertinent. The problem has become for me, is there any way to determine the best time to communicate the things that are pertinent? More on this in a minute.

2: Because I'm in graduate school, the idea is to get something, or actually somethings, published and so you look good for PhD programs when you're finished with graduate school. So, this semester I'm trying to write a killer paper to get into a conference, and I'm also going to be writing a book review to hopefully get published. We'll see how it goes.

3: My job isn't full time, really, but I'm teaching in college. And it's paying for my college. And paying me on top of that. Can I ask for better right now, really?

4: I read one philosophy book off my list and bought a few more, but Randall Munroe's What If book is currently taking up all my time. He's the guy who writes XKCD, in case you didn't know.

5: HAHAHAHAHA I'm never going to be good at exercising.

Now, onto the rest.

Some of you know I was dating someone semi-seriously. His name is Jeremy. You may have noticed the was. This is why I asked the question I asked about #1. He had been pretty aloof, and then one night I went to kiss him goodbye and he pushed me away, then asked me to call him when I got home. I told him, "Well, thanks for the good times," because I knew he was going to break up with me there, or end things, or whatever you want to call it, but he said, "Won't there be more good times?" Instead of confronting him right there and making him communicate with me, I went home crying. Then I called him before I got home to talk, and that's when he decided to tell me he was no longer interested and that I shouldn't be upset because we were never exclusive, and that the reason he was leaving was because he wasn't happy with me (and hadn't been for months, apparently) and because I obviously had too much skin in the game.

I was distraught, and then told him a bunch of things I thought and had thought. I spent the next few days crying and angry, and then told him we couldn't be friends (which hasn't really worked out the way I thought because I still see him all the time at dances and I decided to work with him to create a blues dance lesson series, which is more of a business relationship, but one he takes advantage of for friendship, and me too on occasion, if I'm being honest), and it caught him off guard, because he thought it could just go back to the way it was before I'd been his girl. When he keeps trying to break ground rules I've set, it leaves me sad. Also, wondering why it is that he couldn't just be straightforward and break up with me in person. Am I really that scary that he has to make sure I'm miles away before he tells me?

Today was his birthday. I couldn't help myself: I made him a card and some roasted pumpkin seeds and thought I'd ask him if he wanted to grab dessert for his birthday so I could give them to him. He said thanks, but that he had already met with [insert girl's name here] for lunch and he probably didn't want to. But thanks anyways. So I was hurt. I wasn't important enough to want to spend time with. But he had to meet me on my birthday and by me dessert and make me work on an image I didn't want to work on and be with someone I didn't want to be with on my birthday because I had certain expectations for how we would spend my birthday and those weren't going to happen now. But no, he gets to say no to me because it all has to work the way he wants it. So it leads me back to the same hurtful questions:

1. If he wasn't happy with me, how much of the relationship is a lie because I was happy and he was faking?
2. If he was never romantically involved with me (in his mind) then why did he decide to lead me on by doing all those romantic things with me?
3. Was I, and have I always been, just someone he saw as useful and figured it would be good to get me personally invested so I'd stick around?
4. Does he just not see how much his actions continually hurt me?

And I want to ask him these questions all the time. But the couple of times I've tried to ask him he skirts around the questions with the answer of: "Me telling you why this relationship, which wasn't even exclusive, is no longer working for me isn't going to change anything. You trying to talk about this isn't going to fix it. I can't give you any closure, because I don't see that this is a permanent thing, and just because it's ending now doesn't mean it won't pick back up in the future." Which is essentially him telling me, in my mind, I want to try out another girl right now, but when it doesn't work, I'll come pick you up off that shelf I put you on just now, so don't go anywhere. I might want you again as a rebound.

And it makes me feel worthless and sick. Sick because I felt happy for the last year and a half with him. Sick because I had healing moments with him that now I feel like could have easily meant nothing to him. Sick because I question the legitimacy of those healing moments now. Sick because I shared intimate things with him I haven't shared with anyone and now he has that as ammunition if he really wanted (although my rational mind knows he wouldn't do that). Sick because the last year of my life is possibly a lie. Sick because the first man I've ever felt like I could truly say loved me actually didn't have any feelings for me. Sick because I told that man I loved him and it was really scary, and it turned out he didn't care. Sick because it's been a month since he did this to me and I still cry at least once a week over it.

I've been trying to stay busy with a lot of things to keep happy, but it's the hours I'm alone that it makes me sad. Want to see what I wrote in the birthday card? I thought a lot about it, and I heard two Doctor Who quotes from this latest season that really fit what I wanted to say to him, so I just used them:

Jeremy, 

I know I’m breaking my own rules, but since you’re never finished with anyone while they can still make you angry, I guess I figured we’ve got some more interacting to do. I mean, hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone you don’t like, right? So, here’s to seeing what another year of interaction brings. And for God’s sake, don’t stop dressing well just because I’m not around to choose what looks best on you. Happy birthday. We’re still not dancing.

Love, 

Chelsea

Not dancing is one of my rules that's probably going to have to stay for a long time. I cry after every time I dance with him. Which is bad if you're driving home at night. Or driving period. And I can't say I don't feel hate almost every day I think of my favorite memories and realize that he probably didn't feel anything like what I was feeling. 

I don't know. Should I feel angry and upset? Or should I just take the moments as what I felt and be happy I actually, for the first time since I got divorced, was able to open up to someone and enjoy life in love for a year and a half? Probably the last one, and maybe eventually I'll get there. I'm just really upset now. So you may see me post memories or frustrations or random things and thoughts here as I progress through this. It seems to be what I did here for my divorce, so why not just continue to post life realizations here? Don't see why not. Then I'll have THREE BLOGS! My blues dance blog, my craft blog, and this. Guess it's not too crazy, right?

Also, a parting thought from Doctor Who: “You only find out what someone thinks of you when you find out what lies they’ve told you.”

What Do You Think?

Love seeketh not itself to please,

Not for itself hath any care,

But for another gives its ease,

And builds a heaven in hell's despair.

Love seeketh only self to please,

To bind another to its delight,

Joys in another's loss of ease,

And builds a hell in heaven's despise.

—W. Blake: Songs of Experience

I read this in the book Middlemarch, and couldn't help but think of a comment one of my friends made back in December when we were listening to "All I Want For Christmas Is You." He said, "Love is so selfish. That's really what it is. Don't let anyone tell you differently."

I didn't know exactly what I thought of that. I still don't. I fear that all I do is take from the ones that I love. That I unintentionally hurt them by my actions, thoughts, and words. It seems to me that it is always the case that one person benefits more from love than another, or at least in different ways.

My friend Nathan has an exact opposite view of love. He told me about this song the other day, and it's stuck with me.

Love is something if you give it away, 

Give it away, give it away.

Love is something if you give it away,

You end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny,

Hold it tight and you won't have any.

Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many

They'll roll all over the floor.

For love is something if you give it away,

Give it away, give it away.

Love is something if you give it away,

You end up having more.

—Malvina Reynolds "Magic Penny"

Does loving fully fall somewhere in the middle, do you think? I'm an idealist at heart, outwardly a cynic. So I think I would really like to believe love falls somewhere in the middle for everyone, for every kind of love.

Just musing, and wondering what you wonderful people think.

Where the Romantic and Practical Meet

Young Noah: You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing. 
Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch. 
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me? 
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'. 
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. 
Young Allie: So what? 
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out. 
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt. 
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT? 
Young Allie: It's not that simple. 
Young Noah: What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want? 

This is one time the practical part of me appreciates the little bit of romantic in me. All because Noah says, "It's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you."

I'm not saying that people in love have to fight all the time, but I'm certain that people in love don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, and that causes a lot of disagreements. I'm saying that love isn't always happiness. There are a lot of rough spots. I told this to my friend Megan: love has to do with mutual respect and helping each other learn about life, about helping each other become better individuals. And that's hard. People in love fight all the time. It's not easy. It's not about money or careers; it's about finding someone whose character you like, and deciding to tough it out through thick and thin with them. It doesn't have to last forever, but we're meant to learn from it.

This isn't my complete idea of love, it's just scratching the surface of my idea. It may not be an elegant, an experienced, or even a right idea of what love is, but it's a start at what my idea of love is. It will change with time, I'm sure, but I will never believe that real love is purely physical, and I will never believe that it's all about beauty.

Same Love

I'll let this speak for itself.

The List

I just watched this show called Beauty & The Briefcase.  It was a good show, albeit an ABC Family cheesy show.  I've been into watching Netflix streaming movies.  I've watched a couple ABC Family ones now, including My Future Boyfriend.  I also watched According to Greta.  That was a good one, not ABC Family, but still really good.  Back on point.  I realize that this post hasn't made a move toward a point yet.  It's getting there.

Most people I know--girls and guys--have a list.  I mean, everyone makes lists, but this is The List.  The qualities for a partner list.  I've yet to meet a girl that hasn't had one.  My friend Megan and I used to joke around in junior high with mottos such as "foreign is better," "foreign + guitar = hot," and "nice guys finish last."  I still have a note full of the sayings that she came up with.  I know we worked on some together, but her ability to turn a phrase is amazing.  Always has been, always will be.  Actually, I don't really know that I've ever sat down and asked her what her serious list is.  Before I got married, I was pretty shallow.  The list was one, foreign, two, good looking, three, smart.  I'm sure there were more, but those are the main ones I remember.  Maybe they're the ones I remember because I think that they define how shallow of a person I can be.

And I took a breath, and I got my hot, smart foreign guy--and I ruined my life.

So, how do these last two paragraphs tie in with the first one?  Well, Beauty & The Briefcase had to do with finding the right guy.  Finding the guy that met everything on her list.  And she gets a guy in the end, but he has zero out of ten of the qualities on The List.  The guy that met the qualities on The List, that she falls in love with in the middle of the show, was a complete liar.  He pretended to be what she wanted so he could get in bed with her.

That's how stupid we are.  We all want some dream match; the love of fairy-tales.  It doesn't exist.  Real love is hard, and you have to work at it every day if you want it to last.  You can't lie your way through it, and the qualities that you're looking for are often you lying to yourself about what you want.

If you never tell the truth about yourself when you meet someone you like, you're headed for trouble.  I know everyone always says that.  I don't think everyone who says that has experience like mine to back it up.  If you're honest with the someone you want to date, then if that someone really likes you, he/she will like you for your honesty.

Get rid of The List.  If you must have The List, let only two things be on it.  One, he/she is the same religion as you.  Two, he/she has the same morals as you.  These two things, I believe, could be grouped into one if you want.  However, just because someone shares the same religion as you doesn't mean that they share the same morals.  Example, my aforementioned marriage.

There have been men who have come and gone in my life that weren't foreign or hot, but who shared my values and treated me well.  And I let that slide because I had a list of what I thought was important.  I've missed chances I should have taken.

What now?  There are guys that I want to be friends with.  Just friends.  I am just socially awkward enough that I don't know how to initiate friendship without making men think I'm hitting on them.  Realistically, I realize that I can probably only ever be friends with the guys in my community.  I believe I had my chance, and I botched it.  I'd still like to associate with guys.  I'm fantastic at not doing well at that.

And in my dream world, I'd like to date a certain someone.  I want a guy to come in and sweep me off my feet.  To let me know that it doesn't matter that I've been married before.  That he still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  He doesn't have to have any particular qualities.  I believe that what most people would call a spark, is all it'd take.

My dating life is a no-go, though.  If I'm just socially awkward enough to have trouble in the friendship field, I'm running from the cops in the dating field.  I make every mistake possible.  I'm sure I break all the laws of initiating a relationship.  I blush.  I sound like an idiot.  I stare.  I try being a bit forward.  Then I back off.  I stop talking to the guy.  I avoid said guy because he never asks me out, and things are unavoidably awkward because I think he knows I like him and would like to date him.  Obviously he doesn't want to date me.  A bit of despair.

Thank goodness I was able to get away from that last bit by actually running away home for a couple months.  We'll come to the "what happens when you get back to Provo and see him again" bridge when we have to cross it.

What is This "Love" You Speak of?

I am constantly surprised by people's definition of love, and how fast they fall in and out of it.  This "love" that people speak of, in my mind, is infatuation.  You see someone, and there is an extra release of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine in the brain that makes you physically attracted to a person.  This is all fine and good and whatnot, because that's what brings you to want to get to know a person, but you have to wait a few months (at least) to see if you "love"that person, because that's around when infatuation wears off.

To truly love a person, you have to like them despite their faults (like not liking Michael Jackson's music... yes, that equates to a fault in my eyes and makes me question one's judgment) and love them for their funny little quirks.  You not only love a person for what they have the potential to become, but for what they are now.  You realize that you're not always going to get along or see eye to eye, but that it's okay, because there's more than one way to solve any problem.

So, when young people get married after only knowing each other for two or three months, I worry.  I worry that they don't understand the commitment they are making to one another, and that they may just be feeling infatuation that hasn't worn off yet.  Truly, I think that a lot of divorces could be prevented if partners spent at least a year getting to know each other before they decided to get married.  Then each individual would know somewhat of who they are committing their life to before marrying.   Knowledge is power, so they say, so why shouldn't that apply to who you date and who you marry?

Sure, I knew my ex-husband for two and a half years before I married him, and it didn't save me from being divorced.  Some people are great at hiding important facts and lie their way through life, but I'm convinced this isn't the case with most people.  Most people, when looking for a mate, are upright and honest because they don't want to have to hide who they are from the one they love.  So please, my friends, don't make me worry about you because you jump into a relationship and forget to take time to get to know the person you say you "love."  And I'll stop lecturing now.

The More I See You

I sat in church today behind a friend of mine.  As I stared at the back of his head in hopes to be able to see through it to the pulpit, I thought on something that a girl I know said.  Once, on her blog, she spoke of her boyfriend stating that when he and his friends spoke of women, they spoke of them with reverence.  It got me thinking.  When it comes to relationships, love shouldn't be a giddy thing, it should be a thing of reverence.

This train of thought led me to consider a man I know, who I've been trying to define for some time now.  I've known him off and on for a few years, but never formed much of an opinion over the good-looking nice guy one.  That was, until I had a missionary friend of mine ask me to describe him.  It took me nearly two hours to write him a letter back, and most of that time was spent in deciding how I would describe this man.*

This man isn't afraid to share his beliefs with other people; he is bold in his actions, and is not ashamed to let others know what his morals are.  He doesn't skew the lines for one or two people; he is always upright and honest in his dealings with his fellowmen.  He sets his goals high, never taking his eyes off of what is most important in life.

Women should be treated with respect, and he goes above and beyond when he comes in contact with one.  Never is he impolite, even in his teasing.  Never is he undercut or cruel.  When he's out with a girl, he opens doors for her, and reprimands her when she doesn't wait for him to do so.  He teaches women that they are worth that extra effort and deserve that respect from men.

He is mindful of his actions around others, only speaking of things sacred or personal when in a one on one setting and the occasion is right.  He understands the importance of keeping up an appearance, and that one believes what a person says based on their actions.  Truly, integrity and charity make up the core of his moral system.  When he works, he gets the job done right the first time and in the most efficient manner he knows.  I never hear him complain about responsibilities he has taken on.  Work ethic like this shows true quality in a person: true potential.  That potential carries through when you see him studying for school.  He works hard in the summer so he doesn't have to hold a job through the winter; this enables him to focus fully on his scholarly pursuits. He isn't blinded and led away by the masses of people that don't believe in the importance of hard work to get an education.  Sometimes he may be too hard on himself, always striving for perfection, but he has a good family to let him know of his worth.

People say that you can tell a person's true character by the way they treat their family members, and you can truly tell what kind of guy this man is by the way he reverences his family.  He speaks sweetly about his mother, and honors his father.  He is kind (with brotherly teasing) to his youngest brother, and stays interested in all his siblings' lives.

He sees the good in people, but recognizes their weaknesses.  Although sometimes he is cynical in his ideas of growing as a person, he cares about the well-being of those people he criticizes.  As such he is ready to help out when asked.  I'm sure if you needed it he would listen to your life story and advise you on how to fix some things, even though he now understands the necessity of not making other people's problems his own.

When it comes to bridling his passions, he is a master at it.  Sure, he enjoys himself with a good friend of his every now again (stealing girls' car keys and hiding their cars, occasionally leaving messages on the windows of said cars), but he knows that such things done in moderation ensure long years of enjoyment.  He won't settle for anything less than what he wants, because he wants what is right.

He is never quick to anger.  In fact, I don't think I've ever seen him angry.  I've seen him hurt, upset, unsure, self accusing, and reflective, but never have I seen him angry.  He isn't mocking or rambunctious in his giddiness, and understands that not all times are for laughter and smiles.  There is a time for everything, and he understands that.

With light in his eyes and ambition in his voice, I hear him gladly talk about temple work and regular temple attendance, and I know he goes with no grudge to his God for the sacrifice of time.  The core of his religious beliefs is Christ, and truly one could call him a good Christian.  In all regards, this man is worthy of glory in my eyes, faults (few of which I can discover) and all.

I know most of this about him from a combined two to three months of observing him.  I'm sure that as I continue in my association with him I will find small flaws and faults, but the basis of this man that I see is surely only more amazing the more you get to know him.  As the great Frank Sinatra once sang, "The more I see you..."**

*I wish I would have kept a copy of that letter, because it was the basis of what I've founded this description on.
** The Frank Sinatra version of this song is actually very difficult to find.  The song was first sung by Nat King Cole, and then redone by many artists, including Michael Buble, to speak of recent artists.

Expectations

Just ten minutes ago I was upset at my computer, because the mouse froze.  It only took me approximately three minutes to reboot it, but there I was, frustrated that the item I wanted to use wouldn't work just when I wanted it to.  In the middle of being frustrated, I stopped myself, and came to the realization that if I live my life wanting to get things right now, then I'll end up with nothing to show for it in the end.

Everything takes time.  Back when I was little and there was only dial up internet I never complained at the time it took to view a webpage, or if my mouse froze, I would never be worried that I was wasting time by having to reboot things.  Back when, oh I miss back when.  I need to get back to that somehow.  Looking at my life, back then I didn't worry about having relationships appear right when I wanted them.  Things take time, and I need to quit being so demanding upon what I get for my time.

I can want a relationship with a guy I'm interested in, but I should want said relationship to take time to develop.  There are plenty of girls who expect a kiss/make out session on the first date.  I don't want to be one of those girls.  There are plenty of girls that just want a relationship for the physical benefits.  I don't want to be one of those girls.  There are plenty of girls that just lead guys on.  I don't want to be one of those girls.

I want to be as perfect as I can be for the guy that is a perfect gentleman for me.  A girl can't ask for more than that.  If the guy comes up to the door to get you and meet your parents, asks when to have you home, opens doors for you, pays for the entire date, walks you to your door after the date is over, and only gives you a hug, be grateful for the hug, and don't read into it that he doesn't want to date you again.  Be grateful that he isn't trying to take advantage of you by kissing you on the first date.  For heaven sakes, he doesn't even know you well enough yet to know if he wants to make that commitment!  Because girls, we all know that a kiss is a commitment.  It means that you should spend more time with that guy, that you are "his girl."

It may sound cheesy, but it is like that country song that goes, "There might be a little dust on the bottle, but don't let it fool ya, about what's inside.  Oh!  There might be a little dust on the bottle, but it's one of those things that gets sweeter with time."  For those of you who have never heard this song, which I don't think anyone hasn't, but you never know, it came out in 1994 and was sung by David Lee Murphy.  I'll post the video.  I've decided that it has to be one of my favorite all time country songs, just for the truth it speaks.

Finale Time

It's the final day up here at Bear Lake for the YSA ward, and we decided to take our boat out one more time for them all.  Things went well; I got the boat off the trailer just fine and I was able to tow two groups of people on the chariot tube we have.  Then, when I went to let my dad pull Travis behind the boat, it wouldn't move.  The engine worked just fine, but the propeller wouldn't engage.  We waited for twenty minutes for my dad's counselor to come and tow us in.

So much for a final boating day.  Every single boat we own is broken now.  It is also ironic that we would have to tow the boat home, because my dad noticed that there was a nail in the boat trailer tire yesterday.  Before he tows it home he will have to change a flat tire.  If it weren't for bad luck, the Adams Family wouldn't have any luck at all.

Also, you know when you see people who are older than you when you are young, and you admire them?  Well, I did that with some of the people up here, but now that I am grown up, they are less impressive.  I hate that, mainly because it lets me know that I am growing up.  Having no reason to find that person more special is definitely proof to me that people are enchanted with those that they find better/more mysterious than themselves.  It also makes me wonder if that is why we fall in and out of infatuation with people, because we find out that they are normal.  If so, how does anybody ever stay with one person for their entire lives?  Those two people must always stay equally mysterious to one another or continually feel that their partner is better than they are.  That's the only way I can see marriage working, because each person strives to be just as good as the other their entire married lives.