On Talks and Friends

I like to read what other people have to say.  As such, I sometimes follow the blogs of people that I don't know very well because I like to see what they have to say.  One of these blogs I read is called Fish Out Of Water, written by Blake Fisher.  I've only met him once, by accident, when I was looking for Megan Nield.  We talked for about two minutes, and then he went back to work and I went back home.  


Anyways, on his blog, he wrote about how making new friends is tough.  I really related to the ideas he presented.  I really felt that I needed to comment on the post.  I usually don't comment on serious posts unless I have something that I feel needs saying.  


This is what I said:
Emotional roller coasters, they just happen, and I think that goes in correlation with the friends roller coaster for me. One of my friends is leaving on a mission in a week and a half, and now that it has hit me that she's leaving, I am somewhat depressed. I realized she was the only real friend I had made since I got back to Utah, and that I'd let my other ones fade out, which means when she leaves I'll have to make an actual effort again. I begin to think, "Well, there's all those people that I go to parties with, but they always look at me like I'm crazy when I talk, and then ignore me. There's no one for me to pair off with in the groups, so I often am not invited, because no one wants to deal with me." 

I even expressed this to my mom today, and she just said, "I really do think you're a lot like Temperance Brennan from Bones, and that's why people don't know how to deal with you. Maybe if you stopped acting like her people would want to associate with you. Since you say you don't go off talking about your ex-husband or rant about other things in your life that aren't so great, then that is the only reasonable answer to your problem." That's the reason making new friends is hard, right there. It is hard because you have to find people who will accept you for you. You shouldn't have to change who you are to be accepted and loved.


The more I thought on that post he wrote, and what I said in return, I decided that I need to stop--stop trying to be something I'm not.  If I don't belong, then I need to find somewhere where I do belong.  When I went to stake conference this morning, the first speaker was one of the counselors in the stake presidency.  He was wearing a football jersey, and we all didn't know exactly how to take it (his white shirt and tie were under the jersey).  It was inevitable--he spoke on appearances and why they matter.  


In the area that I am currently living in (and probably in most other areas), it matters that I've been previously married.  Being me, I feel that potential friends should know that I'm divorced, because if they are sincere they will be my friends despite it.  However, the associations that come with the word divorced are not good ones.  It implies that something went terribly wrong, and so no one wants to ask if I was the problem.  Many assume that it had to have been me that did something, or that I'm a complete wreck and basket case.  So, they just say, "Oh," and move on.  Generally, after that, I'm ignored, and must start the process all over again (this situation is particularly true when it comes to dating).


By the end of the counselor's talk, I felt that I needed to get away: to move out of the area in my life of worrying about people judging me based off of my relationship status and how much money my dad makes.  I'm not going to be gold that makes itself look like brass to fit in.  One day I'm going to find some amazing people that will accept me for who I am.  I already know a few, but I expect to know more as time goes by.