Do you remember what someone says in response to something you've said? Do they remember what you said to elicit that response? Sometimes I feel like I should go hide in a cave for a couple decades when I think about that. What you say and do defines you, and often what you say betrays what you really think or are going to do. Occasionally I reflect upon this, and think it a miracle that anyone at all likes me. I think that the only reason I have most of my friends is because I don't say what I think. However, I still get to hear what I think, and I believe that is what always makes me surprised that people like me.
I let one of those secret thoughts out today on my way home from church with my roommate Ashley, a girl (no clue who she was) that just got engaged, and Annalee, a girl who is on the music council with Ashley and me and is going on a mission soon. We were all talking about guys and marriage and whatnot (unsurprisingly, that is a large topic around here). Ashley and Annalee were saying that they feared they would never get married; that marriage was a faint star in the distance that they felt they would never reach, or if they did, it would be late in life. In a moment of cynicism, and forgetting that I wasn't alone, I said, "I've been to that star, passed it, and am through with it. I don't know that I ever want to get married again. Marriage didn't treat me well the first time I entered into it. Why would I go in a second time?"
Ashley looked at me, skepticism and slight horror in her eyes, and said, "Chelsea, you can't let that experience be your judge for every guy you date. You can't assume that all guys are the same."
At that point, I realized that I shouldn't have said anything, because I hadn't set up my huge basis for my belief system. I tried to recover, saying, "Yeah, I know that's true, but I'm at that stage of moving on with life where I'm just not sure of what I want. I like going out on a date occasionally. It's fun, but I don't want to consider marriage again for awhile." The statement pretty much ended the subject.
Of course, I have been wondering for the past several hours what all those girls think of me, but especially my roommate, since she's the one that rebutted my statement. And then I think,
I just revealed a large part of my character in a thoughtless speech. ANYONE could tell that my response to Ashley's rebuttal was just a quick way out of an awkward situation. And, I have to live with the person that looked at me like I was possessed by a devil. Now I remember why I never say what I think. Memo to me, never do it again.
I am cynical. I remember what people say, and I watch them. From my observations, I've concluded that people are shallow and selfish. There's always an ulterior motive for someone doing something nice for another person. Don't ever let someone tell you differently. My thoughts of people have been based on this for a long time. I was meanly fooled into believing differently by my now ex-husband, who also had his own set of ulterior motives for marrying me (obviously, I believe this based on my prior belief and because of the way the string of lies that was my marriage fell apart). I am not going to let myself be fooled again.
Upon this base, my judgement of other people tends to be harsh, as is my judgement of myself. Therefore, I do remember what people say, and listen to them contradict themselves over and over again as they flip flop from what they say to what they do. Everyone does it. I do it. The difference is that I hate myself when I catch myself flip flopping. And this is the type of musing I do when this time of year comes around.
