Mixed Feelings

There've been a lot of good things happening for me lately:

• I got into the Blues Experiment
• I'm working as a teacher at the college level and loving it.
• I'm studying what I want to study: mainly blues and jazz music to get a better understanding of the dancing I love.
• I'm teaching dance.
• I'm getting work as a transcriber.
• I'm crafting all sorts of things.
• I'm getting to travel.

Things I'm worried about:

• I've got a lot to do, and I feel that I don't have enough time to do it.
• I get stressed dealing with people all of the time.
• My relationships with people tend to suffer when I get things going well in my professional life.
• I'm getting really tired and don't know when I'll have time to slow down.
• I've already got to start thinking about if I want a PhD, and if I get it, where I want to apply.
• How I'm going to manage the big papers I have to write with the little time I have.

Right now, I'll just go one day at a time. I get overwhelmed if I look ahead even just a week.

A Newfound Attitude

I've been really angry, specifically at Jeremy, for the last six months or so. That's a long time for me. I think the only person I've been angry at longer was my ex-husband, for obvious, probably deserved and undeserved, reasons. It got to the point that it was affecting almost everything else in my life, because I was spending so much time upset.

Just over a week ago, I came to a realization after many a talk with him and many memories and conversations relived: Jeremy's his own person, and his needs and wants are different than mine. He's deciding between comfort and progress. Who am I to blame him if he chooses comfort?

And with that realization, all of my anger disappeared. My life has gotten so much better in one week, it's incredible. I have an amazing life.

Why?

• I have a supportive family.
• I have a few friends that really care about me.
• I have the means to travel all over for dance events.
• I got into the Blues Experiment, which gives me a week in a mansion in NC with other motivated dancers.
• I got into an academic conference in Florida.
• I have been commissioned to write a book review, which will make me, officially, a published author.
• I am teaching college starting in two days!
• I am in a graduate school that offers me some amazing learning opportunities.
• I have the opportunity, if I play my cards right, to become a leading scholar in a field I love.
• I don't have to go into debt to pay for graduate school.
• I get to teach blues dancing and earn money doing it.
• I still have plenty of free time to do the things I want and learn new skills as I prioritize.

There are so many other things, but I'll just go with this twelve to start. I'm a person who values progression over almost all else in my life. It makes a lot of people uncomfortable. But I know that for me, getting better at lots of things, and learning new things, is something that brings me personal fulfillment, and I'm not going to let bad blood and emotions get in the way of that. 

I couldn't ask for a better life.

Miscellaneous

I'm officially hired at Weber State as an adjunct instructor. I have the fancy key card and everything. Now it's just figuring out what the heck I'm doing with the rest of my time before I teach, which will include figuring out what the heck I'm going to teach. Yikes!

Pomegranates are amazing this time of year. If you haven't had one, I suggest going and buying one right now and eating it. Fantastic stuff. I have one almost every other day anymore.

I went to Portland for a dance event with three other people. We drove. I like two of them. I really struggle not to hate the other girl, Annie. She takes pleasure in telling everyone all her "I'm a Mormon but a bartender" stories, and she also likes to tell all her, "I made out with this guy" stories. And on the way home she made a point to tell her "Jeremy tried to score with me but I turned him down" story. I mean, she didn't know that I had dated him (open-relationship style) so I don't know that she intentionally told me that to hurt me, but I get the feeling she did because she at least knows Jeremy and I are/were friends.

The two worst things are that when I talked to Jeremy about it, he didn't deny it. He didn't even correct her story. He just said, "Oh, so is that how she tells it? It's interesting, people's perceptions of events." So I know it happened. Secondly, back in July, Annie was talking about how things had gotten pretty awkward with Jeremy and she didn't know what was going to happen with him. JULY. I was seeing him in July. I understand that it was an open relationship, but I at least told him about the people I went out with. Open relationships have to function on honest communication about what's going on. Of course, we've already established that he isn't good at that. In the name of his privacy. Whatever.

But with the girl I absolutely can't stand? Seriously.

I have several friends who are what I would qualify as Mormon Whores; they make out with a lot of different people for fun and do lots of stuff just short of sex (which I don't always believe, either). Annie falls under that label. Nathan falls under that label. Hailey fell under that label until she was married. The idea here is that I want to establish that, friends or not, I am willing to label someone who gets around a lot under that label, and it doesn't mean that I dislike them. It just means that I think it's interesting that people condemn women more often than men for doing the same things, and I don't want people to think that I condemn Annie but not any other people, especially men, for doing the same thing.

So, when Jeremy says that he prefers lips with a little less mileage on them than Hailey's, I no longer believe him, because he went for Annie. Seriously, Annie?

Now, for a happier ending. My first Drag Blues class for my new blues lesson series, Bonafide Blues, went fantastically well. I'm more worried about the next two weeks, but we'll see how they go!

I got into the graduate class I really wanted to take: Witches and Magic. It counts as my British Literature requirement for my program. And, my directed reading focusing on the Blues has also been accepted. So, I get to take some awesome classes next semester on top of teaching. Woot woot!

(I've tried to start and end this with positive notes so I don't always have negative stuff on my blog)

A Long Hiatus, but Back because Reminded

I saw my best friend Megan this last week because it was her sister Erin's wedding (wonderful wedding, wonderful people!) and she mentioned that I hadn't updated my blog in a long time. Well, that's mostly because of two things: a) dance and school and work (yes, I got into grad school at Weber State and got hired there as an adjunct to teach English 1010) and b) I utilize wordpress now more than anything, and I have a craft blog where I do my updates for that. So I haven't even thought to update anything. But there have been several big things that I feel like I want to say, but that I hate to say very publicly (as in FB) because there are people that would feel bad or hurt about it.

But first: goals update.

1: I've been trying to communicate with people better, especially when it's pertinent. The problem has become for me, is there any way to determine the best time to communicate the things that are pertinent? More on this in a minute.

2: Because I'm in graduate school, the idea is to get something, or actually somethings, published and so you look good for PhD programs when you're finished with graduate school. So, this semester I'm trying to write a killer paper to get into a conference, and I'm also going to be writing a book review to hopefully get published. We'll see how it goes.

3: My job isn't full time, really, but I'm teaching in college. And it's paying for my college. And paying me on top of that. Can I ask for better right now, really?

4: I read one philosophy book off my list and bought a few more, but Randall Munroe's What If book is currently taking up all my time. He's the guy who writes XKCD, in case you didn't know.

5: HAHAHAHAHA I'm never going to be good at exercising.

Now, onto the rest.

Some of you know I was dating someone semi-seriously. His name is Jeremy. You may have noticed the was. This is why I asked the question I asked about #1. He had been pretty aloof, and then one night I went to kiss him goodbye and he pushed me away, then asked me to call him when I got home. I told him, "Well, thanks for the good times," because I knew he was going to break up with me there, or end things, or whatever you want to call it, but he said, "Won't there be more good times?" Instead of confronting him right there and making him communicate with me, I went home crying. Then I called him before I got home to talk, and that's when he decided to tell me he was no longer interested and that I shouldn't be upset because we were never exclusive, and that the reason he was leaving was because he wasn't happy with me (and hadn't been for months, apparently) and because I obviously had too much skin in the game.

I was distraught, and then told him a bunch of things I thought and had thought. I spent the next few days crying and angry, and then told him we couldn't be friends (which hasn't really worked out the way I thought because I still see him all the time at dances and I decided to work with him to create a blues dance lesson series, which is more of a business relationship, but one he takes advantage of for friendship, and me too on occasion, if I'm being honest), and it caught him off guard, because he thought it could just go back to the way it was before I'd been his girl. When he keeps trying to break ground rules I've set, it leaves me sad. Also, wondering why it is that he couldn't just be straightforward and break up with me in person. Am I really that scary that he has to make sure I'm miles away before he tells me?

Today was his birthday. I couldn't help myself: I made him a card and some roasted pumpkin seeds and thought I'd ask him if he wanted to grab dessert for his birthday so I could give them to him. He said thanks, but that he had already met with [insert girl's name here] for lunch and he probably didn't want to. But thanks anyways. So I was hurt. I wasn't important enough to want to spend time with. But he had to meet me on my birthday and by me dessert and make me work on an image I didn't want to work on and be with someone I didn't want to be with on my birthday because I had certain expectations for how we would spend my birthday and those weren't going to happen now. But no, he gets to say no to me because it all has to work the way he wants it. So it leads me back to the same hurtful questions:

1. If he wasn't happy with me, how much of the relationship is a lie because I was happy and he was faking?
2. If he was never romantically involved with me (in his mind) then why did he decide to lead me on by doing all those romantic things with me?
3. Was I, and have I always been, just someone he saw as useful and figured it would be good to get me personally invested so I'd stick around?
4. Does he just not see how much his actions continually hurt me?

And I want to ask him these questions all the time. But the couple of times I've tried to ask him he skirts around the questions with the answer of: "Me telling you why this relationship, which wasn't even exclusive, is no longer working for me isn't going to change anything. You trying to talk about this isn't going to fix it. I can't give you any closure, because I don't see that this is a permanent thing, and just because it's ending now doesn't mean it won't pick back up in the future." Which is essentially him telling me, in my mind, I want to try out another girl right now, but when it doesn't work, I'll come pick you up off that shelf I put you on just now, so don't go anywhere. I might want you again as a rebound.

And it makes me feel worthless and sick. Sick because I felt happy for the last year and a half with him. Sick because I had healing moments with him that now I feel like could have easily meant nothing to him. Sick because I question the legitimacy of those healing moments now. Sick because I shared intimate things with him I haven't shared with anyone and now he has that as ammunition if he really wanted (although my rational mind knows he wouldn't do that). Sick because the last year of my life is possibly a lie. Sick because the first man I've ever felt like I could truly say loved me actually didn't have any feelings for me. Sick because I told that man I loved him and it was really scary, and it turned out he didn't care. Sick because it's been a month since he did this to me and I still cry at least once a week over it.

I've been trying to stay busy with a lot of things to keep happy, but it's the hours I'm alone that it makes me sad. Want to see what I wrote in the birthday card? I thought a lot about it, and I heard two Doctor Who quotes from this latest season that really fit what I wanted to say to him, so I just used them:

Jeremy, 

I know I’m breaking my own rules, but since you’re never finished with anyone while they can still make you angry, I guess I figured we’ve got some more interacting to do. I mean, hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone you don’t like, right? So, here’s to seeing what another year of interaction brings. And for God’s sake, don’t stop dressing well just because I’m not around to choose what looks best on you. Happy birthday. We’re still not dancing.

Love, 

Chelsea

Not dancing is one of my rules that's probably going to have to stay for a long time. I cry after every time I dance with him. Which is bad if you're driving home at night. Or driving period. And I can't say I don't feel hate almost every day I think of my favorite memories and realize that he probably didn't feel anything like what I was feeling. 

I don't know. Should I feel angry and upset? Or should I just take the moments as what I felt and be happy I actually, for the first time since I got divorced, was able to open up to someone and enjoy life in love for a year and a half? Probably the last one, and maybe eventually I'll get there. I'm just really upset now. So you may see me post memories or frustrations or random things and thoughts here as I progress through this. It seems to be what I did here for my divorce, so why not just continue to post life realizations here? Don't see why not. Then I'll have THREE BLOGS! My blues dance blog, my craft blog, and this. Guess it's not too crazy, right?

Also, a parting thought from Doctor Who: “You only find out what someone thinks of you when you find out what lies they’ve told you.”

Transition Phase

Everyone asks me, "Isn't it great to be done with college?" whenever they see me.

Here's what's nice:

1. No homework.
2. No tests.

Here's what's been rough:

1. No job.
2. Searching for a job.
3. Waiting to hear from grad schools.
4. Getting rejection letters.
5. Never hearing back from companies for jobs.
6. Going back living with family after having your own place because you're not in college and have no job.


And there's a list of more things, like that my computer broke, it cost a lot to fix, it took two months for management to fix my room, that means that I couldn't get it up for sale (although Nathan helped me find someone who wants my contract), I keep getting hives and spider/insect bites that have caused me a lot of grief, etc. I realize those are just little things, but on top of the bigger things, the last two months have been awful. So, is graduation nice? No, not really. It hasn't been. But do I hope that graduation will be better after I can get a job? Yes.

And hopefully I don't screw anything else up along the way.

Feel Good Food

I haven't just cooked for my family in a long time. It feels good to be back.

The spread

Lemon Chicken

Creamy potatoes

yummy salad

The appetizer

2014: A New Chapter

Yeah yeah yeah, New Years resolutions again? I hear ya. But it really does help me. And I think it's important now more than ever for me to make them. Why? Well, because I'm waiting to see if I made it into any graduate school. And that means that for a few months, I won't know if I'm going to grad school. This also means that if I don't get into grad school, I'd better have one killer backup plan ready—otherwise known as a life plan. I probably won't have many goals written down like I have in the past. So many of those were school oriented, and now that I'm not in school, they're gone. I am not going to put down so many small ones like I did before; it seems silly for me to write down things like "be more religious" or "make so many of this and that" when it seems to me that those goals are either just for the sake of saying I did it or too vague to actually measure progress. So my goals are going to be specific this year. And I am going to give explanations for these goals because then I will remember exactly why I chose to be that specific. More things may or may not be added to this list over the course of the year. But these are the five main goals:


1: Communicate what I'm thinking and feeling to people when pertinent.

• Yes, the word pertinent needs to be there. I will always subscribe to privacy and decency in regards to what I tell people and when. The key here is that I have caused myself, and others, a lot of problems in the recent past because I have been unable to communicate what I am thinking and feeling even though I recognized I needed to. Recognition may be the first step to change, but I've recognized this for almost all of last year, and it really has always been out of hand. I need to realize that I am not being ridiculous when I feel or think something that I legitimately am having a problem with, or even simply enjoying. If I don't communicate, then the people I care about will never know.

2: Write something and try and get it published: novel, essay, short stories—something.

• If I don't keep up my writing, then I'll be rusty if I get accepted into graduate school. And if I'm going to use writing as part of my livelihood, then there's no better time like the present to get started on something. I did put my short stories from my thesis into different competitions, and they'll be published for the public to read if I win, but if I don't then I really ought to keep trying. And if I do get published, well, then that's good! And I can add that to a list of firsts. The point is, if I don't keep writing, I'll have a harder time picking up the pen, or the keyboard, if you will, again.

3: Get a full time job.

• I do freelance. Also known as odd jobs. The work isn't consistent. When I get it, it pays well. However, it would be fantastic to secure something that will ensure I get a steady paycheck so I could possibly move into my own flat without roommates—or choose my flatmate. The point is, while I do have a housing contract that doesn't end until August, if I had a better job then I wouldn't be so worried about where I'm going in life. Also, if I don't get into graduate school, then this will make me feel loads better about my situation.

4: Read more philosophy books.

• I had a fantastic Shakespeare professor who gave me a list of philosophy books to read when she found out I had read some Althusser, Heidegger, Adorno and Horkheimer, Saussere, and other literary criticism. The thing is, no matter which way I slice it, I'm going to have more time. I have work, and that work will be done between certain hours, but there is no homework, per se. I get to choose what I do. And this is something I really think I'll not only enjoy, but benefit from. Even though I'm not in school anymore, I fully intend to continue my education, and this will be a great way to do that.

5: Exercise

• I don't have a once a week or twice a week put on the end of this for a reason. I don't like the stress of thinking that I should stop trying if I'm not going to buy a gym pass and use it regularly. I have a friend who wants me to get a 24 Hour Fitness pass so I can go there and we'd have a workout buddy system, but I'm not sure yet. I do know that my family has an elliptical and bike I can use, as well as a weight system. When I'm visiting them, I do use those. Consistently. But when I'm not visiting, well, it's harder to want to exercise in the winter months. It's cold outside so I don't want to go for long walks and bike rides. So when I say that I have a goal to exercise, it's more of a goal to maintain weight than to lose it; it's more of a goal to enjoy time doing things I like instead of torturing myself about not being able to bench press such and such a weight. It's about staying active and enjoying life, whether that is dancing, biking, walking, swimming, or any other activity that I enjoy.