Alone

There comes a time when you realize that you have no one, and sometimes when it comes to losing it you really want someone.  Someone to tell you that there's a future, no matter how hopeless you feel now.  Sometimes you just need a person to look at your work and tell you that there's one thing, just one thing, that you did right, no matter how small it is.

When your gut feeling that the class is going to be brutal to your work is true, that's when you want someone--someone to offer a hand for you to squeeze tight so you don't cry in front of everyone--so you don't walk out on something that is supposed to be helpful.  You want someone to tell you that it is okay to cry after everything is over, and that they will be your shoulder to cry on.

It's when you don't have anyone that you are forced to be strong and do everything in the proper order without help--to realize that you managed to not cry in front of everyone, and that surely there's someone who will workshop something that was just as terrible as your piece.

Sometimes we're not as strong as we'd like to think we are.  I need to know that it's okay to cry--that occasionally my physical state should be taken into consideration before I go in, so I know how much I can take.  Being sick today wasn't the best state to be in before going into class to take an emotional beating.  I need to realize that most people don't know how to give constructive criticism, and that when people are harsh they are really just trying to help out.

I'm not going to have anyone for a long time, so I might as well get used to it, grow up, and get over these ridiculous feelings. I either have to face that my writing is crappy and try to fix it, switch genres and work in something that I am less emotionally invested in so the fact that my writing is crappy doesn't bother me, or quit.  The fewer things that people take personally, the happier they are.

Don't worry too much, I just needed to bounce that off someone in a way that didn't involve actually speaking to another person.  Every now and then it is good to be able to work through things in writing.  The emotions disappear into the words, and then I'm able to function again.