The Fun and the Ugly

As I said in my last post, I've been gone to Bear Lake for the past two weeks.  A lot has happened in those last two weeks.  I think I'll start with June 30th, the day before we left, and move on from there.  

My Dad was released as Bishop of the YSA 7th Ward about a month ago.  He was called to the high council in the Ogden YSA 2nd Stake.  My Mom was called to the same stake as a relief society adviser.  I figured I would just go to the ward they went to so I could go to church with family.  So, on Thursday the 30th, I decided to go to the ward BBQ with my parents.  The food was good, the company wasn't.  About five minutes there, and in walks my ex-husband.  I managed to stay for most of the time so my parents could get to know kids (although when my Dad saw my ex, he asked me if we needed to leave).  Nik never spoke to me, but he knew I was there.

I was pretty upset when we got home, and it showed when I was helping my Dad hook the flatbed trailer to his truck.  My parents told me I could just go in and relax, that they could handle the rest (my cousin Bailey was there to help them, too).  I went in and worked on the 1500 piece puzzle that has been up for months.  My cousin walks in not five minutes later and says, "You have a visitor."

I was surprised, looked up, and asked, "Who?"

Nik walked in the room.  "Me!"

I looked back down at my puzzle.  I was so angry that I was sick to my stomach.  When I get emotionally stressed, I usually don't cry or freak out.  That stress exhibits itself through physical pain.  My family, either my Mom, my Dad, or Bailey, was there with me the whole time he was.  Still, he wouldn't leave!  Two hours later, I'm still standing over my puzzle, not speaking to him, hoping he'll leave.  What makes him think he has the right to come see me anyway?  He asked if I'd be around.  I told him I'd be at Bear Lake for most of the summer, and then in New York.

At about 11:30 PM, my ex-husband says, "Oh, well, I guess I'll go now.  But Chelsea, I want to talk to you, so will you walk out with me?"

Absolutely NOT! is what I was thinking, but I walked out with him.  He told me he missed hanging out with me.  I don't miss hanging with you.  He said he didn't want me as his wife anymore, but he wanted me as a friend. I don't want you for a friend.  GET OUT OF MY LIFE!


"And um, I never said sorry to you.  I was a real jerk."

"I know."

"You agree with me?"

"Well, I wasn't going to offer it, but if you're going to say it, I'm not going to disagree with you."

My Mom yelled out the front door that someone was on the phone for me.  I thought, Who's calling me at 11:30?  She must be just trying to get me away from Nik.


I said bye to Nik, and he said, "See you around!"

I turned around, and at this point so much profanity has run through my brain that if I look back I'm afraid it will all come out.  I pride myself on being able to keep my temper.  There's few people that ever bring the worst out in me.  Up until Nik, I didn't know that kind of fury existed.  I walked in the house.   I was sick for the next two days.

We went up to Bear Lake the next day.  I calmed down from the previous night's incident.  Nik wouldn't follow me up here.  I'm safe from him.  So, the weekend went well, as did the week after it.  I've got some fun pictures of people from up there.  My Dad has this really nice Nikon camera, and I used it a lot, but then the SD card got corrupted somehow, so we've got to send it in so I can get all my pictures back.  When that happens, I'll post those pictures.  I have some pictures on my little digital camera, though, that are pretty fun, and I'll post as the highlight of this post, because there's another downer part coming.

Jason Jr., my cousin Page's kid.  He's only one, but look how big he is!

Tajsha, my cousin's other kid.  Tajsha will be three in September.

Junior on the boat for the first time.

When we went four wheeling, we encountered a wall of snow that we couldn't get around. 

So much for going to Gators in Randolph for lunch!

Snow is all over on the mountaintops.

Flowers on the road.

Mom and Bailey

The mountainside.

Bailey after the ride.

Bailey and Mom after the ride, all dirty.

Me after the ride.  You can barely tell I went, I didn't really get dusty leading the pack.

The view from our house.

A chipmunk at Minnetonka Cave.

In Minnetonka Cave.

Me and Bailey after the tour.  She'd never been in a cave before.

And guys, she's fourteen, so back off...

Then Friday came, and Bailey and I decided to make jewelry.  She was beading, and I was working on a chain mail bracelet, when I heard, "Hey guys, what's up?"  I knew the voice, but I hoped I was just dreaming.  Nope, it was Nik.  He decided to drive up to Bear Lake so he could "take me to lunch."  See, the thing about that is, I'd already told him over both email and the phone that it would never be okay for him to take me to lunch, ever.  I thought I'd sent that message very clearly.  Apparently, not.

I nearly finished my bracelet, and then changed into decent clothing (at this point I was still in pajamas).  My Mom said, "Why don't you take Witter (my cat, Lex) on a walk down the beach?  He's been wanting to go all  morning."  Side note, yes, I do take my cat up to Bear Lake with me.  He doesn't really care for the car ride (what cat does?) but he loves it once he gets to our cabin.

Well, my Mom told Nik he should go walk with me.  We went for an hour, and no more than twenty sentences were spoken, and most of them were voiced by him.  He told me he missed Bear Lake.  I told him I knew he missed the lifestyle my family afforded him.  That shut him up for awhile.  I called the kettle black.  On our walk, he picked up a stick, and then broke it up into small pieces and started throwing them at my cat!  I was really angry, and I'm pretty sure it showed, because when he saw my face he stopped throwing them until later.  The fact that he even threw another stick at Lex again after a few minutes should be a testament to how thick my ex-husband can be.

We got back to the cabin, and I tethered Lex and sat outside on a picnic table.  He finally asked, "You really think that I miss the lifestyle your family afforded me?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I don't miss it.  I'm happy with my life."

"I hope you are.  I hope you get your life put back together."

"It is put back together."

"Okay."

"So, do you want to go to lunch?"

"No."

"Oh, okay."

"You realize that the first time I told you no--over the phone--that meant no, never?"

"Well, yeah."

"Then what's all this?  You know you're never going to win me back."

At this point he got a little upset, and said, "Chelsea, I was done trying to win you back the moment I started dating Andrea."

Andrea is his ex-girlfriend now.

"Good." I said.

And that was pretty much it.  We went inside, and he talked a little longer.  I told him that the best place to get a shake in Garden City was still Hometown Drive In, and he left.  So, he drove 2 1/2 hours to come talk to me for 1 1/2, and then get a shake and drive back.  I hope he's learned his lesson.

The rest of the day was nice, however.  We went on a boat ride, and I got ridiculously sunburned.  Most of me is now tan, but there's still a bright red spot on my chest that I think is just going to peel and not tan. Oh well.  Next time I'll know to apply that 90 SPF once every two hours instead of once every four.  Saturday was full of Waverunner riding, tubing, and packing things up to leave.

Overall, it was a good trip.  I got to tan, eat good food, play in the water, oh, and I forgot to mention light some fireworks.  Then there was crocheting, watching good shows and introducing Bailey to Pinky and the Brain and the Animaniacs, laughing with family, and making jewelry.

And what else besides write this awful long post did I do today?  I made Rosemary Lemon Chicken, Rosemary Lemon Thyme Potatoes, and a Garden Salad with an herb dressing.  Tomorrow, I'm going to make a Kiwi Lime Sorbet.  I'm going to make some more mint lemonade, too.  And I plan on trying to make a Mango Sorbet and a Lemon Sorbet.  So, if you read to the end of this long post, good for you, you got to read a list of the yummy stuff I've made and will make.

And Megan, if you took the time to read all this after already hearing the narrative, bless your heart.  I'm sure that the written narrative was much easier to read, and follow, because it was minus all the profanity.

Why'd You Email?

Every few months, I'll get an email from my ex.  I feel like this, tweaking the lyrics a bit to put email where call is and name where number is, and trying to win me back where "make love tonight" is*.  He used to call me all the time, until I changed my cell number and avoided phone calls to my parents' house.  And I felt like that song a lot, and I thought that maybe I was over feeling that way, but yesterday's email made me feel that way again.  It's probably lame of me to connect myself with a song.  Teenageresque, maybe?  Still, it's how I feel.

He emailed me to tell me he got his driver's license.  Good for him.  He wants to meet up and play catch-up over lunch.  No thanks.  I can't; for my own sanity I can't.  Occasionally, I feel like I am going to have to move across the country just to get away from everything.  I don't care for living in a constant state of annoyance.

So, I'm going to make sure that I really enjoy myself over the weekend.  Plenty of movies, books, and finishing up crochet projects and gardening.  Oh, and I guess I'll have to add homework in there somewhere.  Still, it promises to be a great long weekend, and I'm not going to let my ex get me riled up and ruin it.

*Why’d you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it’s just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.

Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we hang up it’s almost like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

I get so tired of living like this.
I don’t have the time, neither do my friends,
To stay up at night, to pull me through,
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.

So, now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Did you call to say you’ve find someone and I’m a used- to- be.
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
If you’ve moved on why does it feel like I’m losing you again?
Can’t you see? So what do you want? What do you want from me?

What do you want me to say?
That I’m content? That I’m on the fence? That I wish you would’ve stayed?

Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?
To come here and make love tonight cause you’re feelin’ lonely.
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we wake up and say goodbye it’s like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
What do you want, what do you want from me?

Kick Me When I'm Down

I feel like I've been punched in the face and then kicked while I'm down. I hate it when one person decides to make you feel like crap and they successfully do so not just for one day, but for several. That's what my husband, soon to be ex-husband if the hearing goes my way, has done to me. Between telling me that I'm a terrible Christian and that if I "get married again the man [I] marry better be damn near perfect or he's gonna be miserable for the rest of his life," I feel fantastic. Was it too much to ask for someone to live the same standards as me, and for a husband that doesn't harbor same sex tendencies and not tell his wife about it? Was it too much to ask that I have money for food so I didn't starve while he was away? Was it too much to ask that when I found out about all the lies he told me that I wanted reparations through the tax money, (which just ended up going for the lawyer and the move anyway) or I would make him pay for half of the move and his half of the lawyer (he told me I was blackmailing him over that. The guy must not know the meaning of the word, possibly?)? Right now I'm so upset that I hope my lawyer rips my husband to shreds in front of the judge when he comes to the hearing.

Nik has done this kind of thing several times to me since I've decided that I'm going to leave him, and I don't think it's right. I haven't called him except for on official business, and I've not been slanderous or harassed him in any way. What he's doing is harassment. I could take him back to court over that. I've been debating on getting a restraining order over it. I'd probably have to add his family members to it too, as his Dad is complaining that my entire family is twisting and perverting gospel principles to get this annulment granted. I dare-say his son's actions allow me to not "submit" like a good wife should and let him continue in his habits. I should not be forced to live with someone that uses me simply for the stab at normalcy. He says he loves me: he's done a bang up job at showing it with all the harassment. He says he wants me to not go through with the annulment and stay with him to help him work through all his problems. Sorry bud, but you had the problems before the marriage and you told me that you had all those problems solved and behind you. Obviously they were right behind you and came back to bite you in the butt. Oh, and not to mention that you lied about going to church and following the standards that you professed to believe in so I would marry you. THAT was a huge one, dude.

I don't feel like I'm going to burn in hell for my decision, but I do feel like I'm in hell now. Not a day goes by when I don't cry over some terrible remark that Nik has said to me since I've chosen to leave him. Mr. "I Never Verbally Abuse You. I'm Always In Control." Obviously isn't in control of himself AT ALL. His addictions and his neurological disorders control him. If he fixes those, great, but he can't expect me to be the one pushing him to do the things that are right. Especially when every time I tried to make the right decisions in our marriage before I knew about the problem I got my head bit off. He is so mentally ill he can't see what he does and doesn't do, so how am I supposed to speak reason into the head of someone that messed up?

In the midst of all this, I feel like everyone has forsaken me. As I stand in the gall of bitterness, I do so alone. My mother doesn't even know how to comfort me, and she's gone through almost the exact same thing. Even with my beliefs at my side, how am I not to crumble over all the stress, harassment, and pain? The first time the harassment happened to me I broke down and did not function period. Did Not function for over an hour. My mom had to physically move me up the stairs and get me in a warm bubble bath and read a couple chapters out of a science fiction book to me to even get me to barely function. I didn't break right down when he harassed me (first paragraph description) on Saturday, but it's finally sunk in to the point that I'm once again barely functioning. Soon I might not be functioning at all.

Sure as Hell No.

My husband says he wants kids... before we turn 20. Uhh.... NO! I asked him what's wrong with waiting until about age 25 to have kids. He says that's too old. Uhh... NO!

"Why is that too old?" I ask.

"Because my dad was 22 when I was born." Says he.

Why the hell does that matter? My parents were 30 when they had me, and I had just as much fun with my parents as he did with his, if not more. Being able to have fun and raise kids has nothing to do with whether you are 20, 25, or 30 when you have kids. My husband sure as Hell doesn't understand this. We will never understand each other's logic in this matter.

In my mind this creates the equation: Chelsea's idea + Nik's idea - Chelsea's unwillingness -Nik's misunderstanding= NO KIDS.

I would be just peachy with this, but he is really upset with my prognosis.

"We're LDS," he says, "and people are going to start asking when our first one is on the way. We're expected to start having kids soon, and you're going to have to get used to getting asked that question."

Why in the Hell should I have to get used to being badgered about when I want to have kids? ESPECIALLY by other people? And just because I'm LDS? Isn't the decision on whether to have kids or not a personal matter? Come on people. If being LDS means I have to start having kids before age 20 then I'll just start telling everyone I'm atheist and believe that as the world is overpopulated already we don't need to bring more children into the world. UGH. I now remember why I said I was never going to get married.

And how did this whole conversation get started between me and my husband? A seven year old girl asked me today if I was pregnant (This, to me, just means that I really need to get back in shape). Then she asked me when I was going to get pregnant. I told this to my husband, thinking he would just tell me that I was right about needing to get back in shape, and this whole damn conversation started.